A Movie Script Ending
by Jugband Arnold
Summary: First 19 chapters are oneshots that are to be correlated as given. At Chapter 20 begins All Night. I'm a bitter bitter bitter person. Read it if you will. La di da. Vent all you want I shall still be bitter.
1. How do I loathe thee?

Gail Peck stared at the equipment before her, she was the lone person sitting at the top of the bleachers of the school grounds, waiting eagerly for the signal from Dov about the band. She could see Holly playing on the field, and she licked her lips looking at the young brunette. Gail Peck didn't normally go to these lengths for anyone, but when the brunette had scorned her for her advances; it had only spurred Gail to try harder to impress the nerd.

Meddling with the various controls for the public announcement system, Gail gave Dov the stink eye as she saw him scrambling about the field, waiting for Dov to give her the signal to put her master plan into action. Finally, Dov looked up to her and nodded and Gail smirked. It was time.

Adjusting the various knobs, and setting the volume at max, Gail took the mike and started her little serenade.

_"You're just too good to be true._

_Can't take my eyes off of you. "_

Holly, who had been goofing with her friends for a while after her game, stopped to look around to find whoever it was singing like this.

Gail decided to show off a bit, grabbed the speaker-post that was next to her, and slid down the pole, down to the lower steps of the bleachers, singing all the while. Holly saw Gail, clad in her usual leather jacket and ruffled up short hair, standing at the bleachers, holding a mike and singing.

_"You'd be like heaven to touch._

_I wanna hold you so much._

_At long last love has arrived._

_And I thank God I'm alive."_

Gail crooned as tenderly as she could, her eyes never leaving Holly. She gave Holly a genuine smile and Holly was trying her best to hide her absolute glee, failing quite a bit. Gail slowly walked about the bleachers and pointed a finger at Holly as she sang, just in case the brunette tried ignore her after this, and Holly grinned lopsidedly at her. Holly was unable to muster her usual indifference at everyone's attempt to impress her, as this was something out of her wildest dreams.

_"You're just too good to be true._

_Can't take my eyes off of you."_

_Now for the plan._ Nodding to Dov, who was sweating and waiting for her signal. Dov saw her and whistled to the rest of the marching band, which had assembled while Gail was serenading Holly. The whole marching band started playing and marching, and Gail couldn't resist seeing the joy on Holly's face. Holly was completely amazed at the marching band and she and let out a laugh. She had to admit it now; Gail Peck wasn't someone she could ignore anymore. Gail let herself go now, knowing she had nothing to lose now.

_"I need you baby, if it's quite all right,_

_I need you baby to warm a lonely night._

_I love you baby."_

Holly looked around at her friends and Holly walked towards the bleachers, not believing this was all actually happening.

_"Trust in me when I say, OK."_

This was all out of character for Gail, she didn't go about singing to nerdy brunettes in public announcement systems, but she had to admit, this was the most fun she had in a long time especially seeing Holly lopsidedly grinning at her and laughing at her goofiness. Gail was dancing about the bleachers the best she could, busting out all moves she could with the little space she had. Holly was immensely touched. No one ever made a fool of themselves this bad for her.

_"Oh pretty baby, "Don't let me down," I pray."_

Gail was putting her heart and soul into her singing, not caring about anything at all. She pranced down the steps, staring at Holly, who was trying to hide her face, but kept bursting into laughter everytime she saw Gail dancing so joyfully.

_"Oh pretty baby, now that I found you, stay. "_ Gail sat on one of the benches, and stared at Holly longingly, and lost herself in the song.

_"And let me love you, baby let me love you,"_

At that, Holly knew the cheeky, snarky blonde had gotten under her skin, and was going to stay there, and Holly was feeling increasingly comfortable with letting her guard down with the blonde.

As the marching band kept playing on, Gail noticed that two security guards were now hauling her away and Holly finally gave in. She was impressed, she and all her friends started clapping and cheering as they hauled her away and seeing this only spurred Gail to be more mischievous. Fighting out of the hold of the two guards and escaping, only to run back and prance about more for Holly's eyes.

Holly doubled up in laughter at her antics, and Gail ran about the bleachers, running from the guards who were now chasing her, and got behind one of the guards, spanked him as he struggle with chasing her and ran off again, all this eliciting more cheers from the watching crowd, all while the marching band still still played on.

As Holly saw Gail finally get hauled off the bleachers, Holly bit her lip and looked around.

_Damn you, Peck._

__A.N: I just love this scene so much this way.__


	2. Buy a bedside lamp!

_A.N: Biggest Dilemma: Who to write as whom. Man this scene has a lot of dialogue._

* * *

"I know I should know this, darling, but are you mad at me?" The couple had just had dinner with Gail's mother and were now walking together back down the streets to their apartment. Gail was walking furiously while Holly tried to keep up.

" Gail. I did something, right? I did something bad, right? Should I know what it is?" The blonde just kept charging up the stairs to their home, not waiting for Holly to catch up at all.

"Or is it something maybe you just think I did?" At this, Gail stopped to look at Holly, giving her the typical Peck glare.

"Nope, no. I did it. I did it. It was a bad, bad thing I did, and I'm so sorry, love." The blonde huffed and continued up the stairs again.

"Gail, come on, will you? Gail, wait. Baby" Holly had finally caught up to her furious wife and gripped her shoulders.

"You have to let me in on it. Or are you waiting until we're in the apartment before you talk to me?" Gail nodded in silence and Holly sighed in defeat.

"Are you gonna make me sleep in the bathtub again?" Pushing past her wife, Gail unlocked the door, getting ready to lash out. Holly knew she was in for a bit of rough night, tonight.

" I don't know what I said!" Holly slammed the door as Gail stormed into the bedroom of their tiny yet comfy apartment.

"You said it. You know you said it!" The blonde made her way over to her dresser gearing up for bed.

"No, I don't know what I said but I didn't mean it."

"You mean everything you say."

"Gail, sometimes I mean nothing when I say something." The blonde scoffed at that reply, pacing about the room, undressing at the same time.

"Something is never nothing, Holly. It's always something."

"Well, most of what I say is nothing. Just something to say." Holly said, undressing herself and making her way to the dressing table. This was how things usually were. The blonde usually jumped off the deep-end over the most random incidents, and Holly normally took it on herself to calm her down. This time however, things seemed to be getting out of hand.

"No, people say it's just something to say to get away with saying something but they know they're saying something."

"Say what? What did I say?"

"You said at my mother's, you would have a baby but that I'm not ready. To my mother! You might as well have said that I hate babies."

"Well.." The blonde picked up the boot she just removed and hurled it at the brunette, before she could say anything more.

"Hey!"

"You told my mother I didn't want children!"

"I did not. I didn't say that."

"Uh yes, but a little bit you did."

"I did not."

"I didn't say that you weren't ready to have a baby, Gail. I said that you wanted to wait!"

"Which means I don't want one right now!"

"Right!"

The two of them had undressed by now and clad in their underwear, were having the biggest outburst they had in a while.

Gail laughed. "Thank you!" she quipped,finally proving her point.

"Wait a minute. I'm confused." Holly said to the apartment, "Can I get a ruling on this? Anyone?"

"No, you're not confused, you're just wrong. We had a plan, Holly! To wait to have children until we could buy an apartment put 25 percent of each paycheck into a separate joint account with a 6.25 interest for 5 didn't you tell my mother that, huh?" Gail rattled off, her perfect plan coming to memory. She turned and headed into the bedroom with Holly close on her heels, laughing.

"Ha! Each paycheck? Babe, you only just started getting regular paychecks. You quit five jobs in two years, remember?"

"Yeah well, I can't work for idiots."

"They can't all be idiots."

"Yes, they can. They can all be idiots. And they are." Turning to switch on the lamp, she tried to defend her stand.

"And why didn't you tell my mother about the business loan you and Lisa took out without asking me?" The blonde pointed a finger at her wife's face, venting out a lot of pent-up emotions as she did.

"Aha! You see, You finally said it. I knew that's why you're angry."

"No that's not the reason. It is not the reason."

"Oh I think it is the reason."

"We should have waited."

"Waited for what? What? I've been driving limos for four years, Gail. So Lisa and me, we wanna start a business. We buy a few cars, we get a few clients. That's a career right there. What is your problem?!"

"What if it doesn't work? What if we always have to live here? And what about what I want, huh? You think I wanna be a real estate agent? Showing apartments to buy that I can never live in? There may be other things I wanna do with my life." Holly was realizing this fight was turning serious and she sobered a little, learning that this wasn't just another of Gail's random outbursts.

"Okay. Like what?"

"I don't know. Other things."

"Then quit, all right? The job makes you cranky at home anyway. You wanna have a baby? Let's do it!" Holly yelled out, trying to make sense to her stubborn wife.

"See? I hate when you do that."

Gail grabbed one end of the bedsheet to make the bed, while Holly grabbed the other. As much as they were fighting, their nightly habit of making the bed was something they couldn't simply disregard

"Ha! Do what?"

"'Let's have a baby. La-la-la! In a five-floor walkup we can barely move in. I'd change diapers on the windowsill. You have to have a plan, Holly. You can't act like everything's just gonna work out by itself." Gail was now clearing the bed, throwing the pillows harder with every word she said. "Why do I have to be the responsible grownup who worries? Why can't I be the cute, carefree brunette who sings all the time?"

Holly's face broke into the smallest lopsided grin, remembering the blonde's previous attempt at singing, "Because you can't sing without making dogs bark…Ooh!"

"Look, Gail, people have babies with no money all the time. If you're so worried about it, why don't you stop buying designer clothes?" she said, holding up the shoe that Gail had just thrown at her.

"I buy everything on eBay! It doesn't count when you're wearing Marc Jacobs from Minneapolis!" Gail rushed into the bathroom, Holly close on her heels. Looking deep into crystal blue eyes, Holly finally decided to ask the obvious question.

"Do. You. Want to have a baby?

"Do you?" Gail's looked up to catch Holly looking at her reflection in the mirror.

"Yes, I do."

"See?"

"See what!?"

"I know what you're really saying even when you don't say it. You said that to my mother because you're mad at me for not wanting children because I'm no fun anymore and we don't have enough hot, nasty sex because I'm always bitching about bills. Why don't you just be honest and say it? Say what you mean."

"All right, fine. I wish we had more hot, nasty sex." Holly ducked before another shoe could hit her. "Or the other kind is fine." Holly finished, staring at her wife pace back into the bedroom.

"What you're really saying is this isn't the life you wanted, is it?" Holly's face lost all playfulness and she looked at Gail in shock.

"Well, that's not what I'm saying. Is that what you're saying?" Holly was visibly broken to find herself saying this, but she knew she needed to get this out.

"And what if this is it, Holly? What if this is all there is to our life?"

"What do you mean?"

"I means this is it. We're a married couple who own a limo company...who may or may not have children, end of story."

"Well, what other story do you want, Gail?

"I don't know"

Holly was now completely enraged and she grabbed Gail by the arm and started yelling at her.

"What do you want!? What? Because I'm tired of trying to figure it out. You want a bigger apartment? I'll take a second job. You want a child, you don't want a child. What! I know what I want because I have it in my hands right now. Do you? Do you know what you want? Because you better tell me now if I'm not it."

"Or what? You gonna leave?" Gail shook herself free from Holly's grip and walked back to the bedroom.

"Do you want me to leave?" yelled Holly.

"If you wanna leave."

"Don't use me as an excuse. I'll leave if you want me to."

"Then leave if you wanna go."

"Don't push me," Holly warned the blonde.

"If you wanna leave, just say goodbye."

"God damn it, Gail." Holly cried out, grabbing Gail's t-shirt which was on the couch. Hastily pulling it over her head, Holly stepped out of the apartment and slammed the front door. Gail, in turn went to the bedroom door and slammed it shut. However, a second later, she opened the door, hoping to find Holly back home. Holly of course, opened the door and entered the house again, all her anger forgotten and left outside.

"Are we finished now, love? Can I come back?"

"Yeah. Yes you can." Gail raced towards Holly as she approached her, wrapping her legs tightly around the brunette. The two tried to forget all the anger they were just harboring and Gail kissed Holly as hard as she could. Holly broke into a soft smile as Gail kissed her, slowly walking and carrying Gail to towards the bedroom,kissing her the whole while.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Gail breathed against Holly's lips.

"No. I'm sorry, baby." Gail kissed her again, Holly still held Gail close, apologizing over and over for the outburst.

"I'm sorry I said the wrong thing to your mother. God, I still get nervous around her. I still think after nine years, she doesn't like me. I know I'm being stupid." Gail laughed a little and Holly felt better again seeing her wife smile again.

"No, you're not being stupid, baby. She doesn't like you."

"Really? And I thought deep down, she really loved me." Holly pouted a little at Gail, and Gail kissed her again.

"Sorry hon, she doesn't. I was 19 when we got married and you corrupted me with sex and charm and the longer it takes you to make your fortune, the less sexy and charming you are," Gail said, teasing her and Holly grinned her lopsided grin and was glad to see Gail be her normal self again. Grabbing Holly's face, Gail kissed her again, and started rambling.

" My mother said it was a mistake marrying you because I loved you too much. 'It won't last,' she said. I don't wanna make any mistakes, Holly." Holly wrapped her hands around Gail's neck, soothingly explaining her explanation for the universal truth.

"Well, you're in the wrong species, babe. Be a duck ", Gail snorted at that, while Holly continued "We're not a mistake just because we don't have any money. And we are gonna last. You know how I know?" The blonde shook her head no. "Because I still wake up every morning...and the first thing I want to do is see your face."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Holly. I see people buying bigger apartments and having babies. I get so afraid sometimes that our life's never gonna start."

"No, baby. We're already in our life. It's already started. This is it. You have to stop waiting, baby. And you can't keep biting my head off and telling me to leave. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not like your dad. Or don't you know that yet?" Gail smiled at Holly and gave her one last peck on the lips.

"I should get my 're all over the place. They're gonna think I don't love them." Holly let go of her wife, hoping her wife was feeling better after the whole incident, and then decided that making her wife laugh would be the best now. After Gail scrambled into bed, Holly decided a little strip-tease would be perfect.

Slowly and quite adorably dorkish, Holly started undressing for Gail, who was laughing at her wife's antics.

"Whoo! Shake it, baby. Do the stomach shake!" Bursting out in laughter, Holly complied and lifted t-shirt and doing her sexy stomach roll.

"Whooo go baby!" Holly ran into her closet and pulled on a pair of shorts with suspenders over her t and entered the bed room yet again, eager to complete her routine.

During a particularly seductive move however, the suspender's clasp snapped and hit Holly in the eye before falling with a clatter under the bed.

"Oh! Ow! My eye! I'm blind." Holly climbed into bed on top of Gail and began kissing the laughing blonde.

"Oh, wait! The light. You were up last!" Gail groaned, realizing the bedroom light was now on.

"The light?"

"Yeah, you were up last."

"But I'm not up now, am I? Gail, look, I'm injured. My eye."

"God. A pain in my ass I tell you," the blonde said as she stumbled to turn out the lamp, and made her way back to the bed.

"Aw thanks babe. Come on, get back to bed or I'm gonna start without you."

"Aah! Shit."

"You okay?"

"Shit, no! My toe!"

"I'm telling you. Someone should get a light on that side of the bed. It's ridiculous."

"I'll get my next wife to do it," the blonde joked with a cheeky grin.

"Next wife, my ass." Holly muttered half asleep, grabbing Gail into a tight embrace before falling asleep, as they did, night after night.

_A.N__ I mean her name in this movie is Holly for Christ's sake. And his is Gerry. That's G+H yet again. _


	3. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind

A.N: Apologies if I spoil this movie for you, but this is the movie I would rank as the most romantic thing ever. Chances are there 'd be a few chapters based on scenarios from this movie. I think I left this for someone as prompt to fill, and they never did .So, here goes. I actually figured I'ld write this a little written into the who don't know this movie, it is The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Since I'm not messing with "Meet me in Montauk." for the sake of this fic, let's assume Montauk is in Toronto. Please?

* * *

Holly looked around the dark forest, the rustling of the leaves sounding extremely loud in the night. She knew this was the last of her memories with Gail, or rather, the first memory of the blonde and smiled. The memories had somehow been warped and Gail had managed to grab a bottle of bourbon from a cabinet somewhere and was drinking from it. Holly looked around the crime scene, the Robby Robbins case, and she remembered every inch of their first acquaintance again. Holly knew however, these memories were being erased from her mind as she was reliving them and long hours of running with Gail through her own memories in desperate hopes for escape, only to fail every time had made the brunette lose hope in ever escaping. Realizing this was the last time she would ever recognize the blonde, ever remember her and after this, she would never be a part of her life anymore. Holly gave into the finality of the whole situation and sighed, realizing the only thing to do now was to relive this moment in time.

"This is it Hol." Gail stated, from a nearby log she was perched on quite comfortably, bottle of bourbon in one hand. She was dressed in her police uniform and with her hair long and blonde, just as Holly remembered her. This was Gail talking to her conscious through her memories and she knew, soon all this would fade away into nothing.

"I know." Holly was devastated at the whole outcome of things. She had thought erasing the blonde from her memories would make things better, but somehow in reliving all the happy moments she had shared with Gail had made Holly fall in love with her again. She didn't know what to feel,all she knew was that this was the end.

"What do we do?" Gail asked, staring at Holly's 'lunchbox' which was on the ground next to Holly. She had been kicking herself for erasing the pathologist from her own memories and was hoping that if she could somehow salvage the brunette's memories, she would be saved.

Holly turned to look at Gail, a bright light illuminating just her and sending the rest of the forest in darkness. This whole Lacuna procedure was really messing with her memories. She smiled her lopsided grin at Gail and turned to look back at the crime scene.

"Enjoy it."

The two of them sat on the log, sharing the bottle of bourbon, as the memory played out in Holly's mind for the last time, consequentially being erased at the same time. She turned to smile at Gail. The trees were falling down, and the whole scene began to shake. Holly knew this was it. She stared at Gail and smiled softly.

"Bye Holly." Gail smiled, darkness flooding into every corner of Holly's vision as the memory was slowly erased from her mind.

"I love you." Holly said, not willing to leave without saying it, even if it was just a memory which was to be erased anyway.

Gail leaned forward towards Holly as if to kiss her, but then whispered in Holly's ear as she herself now faded away from her memory.

"Meet me in Montauk."

* * *

The next day, Holly woke up alone and was flabbergasted at the inconsistencies there seemed to be in her living. She couldn't recollect much from the past 2 years. Nothing about the way she lived made sense to her. Writing everything off as random inconsistencies that popped up into her head, Holly found herself impulsively driving to the train station, for now reason in particular and she stood there, waiting for a train to Montauk, instead of driving to her job at Toronto PD. Rushing through stubborn people standing in her way, Holly made it on the train to Montauk.

After she boarded the train, she stopped to think at her own actions. Why had she not gone to work? Why was she on this train to Montauk? Who was in Montauk for her to meet? Holly had no idea as to what she had actually done, but she decided her sub-conscious was in the right place and was probably steering her in the right way. Getting off at Montauk, for some reason cosmic reason, Holly hiked up the lonely trail up a hill to end up and an abandoned clearing. She didn't know why she was here, but here she was, trying to comprehend why her brain had led her to this random forest all of a sudden, in such a rush at that.

Holly suddenly caught sight of a blonde, short-haired cop who seemed as if she appeared from nowhere. The blonde was surprised to see anyone on the lonely hillside and she was extremely confused with her own behavior today. They both stared at each other and knew this definitely wasn't their first meeting. The blonde cop nodded at the red forensic analysis kit which Holly always carried with her and Holly acknowledged the blonde and then scurried off back to the town. Holly stopped for a moment at a local cafe where she spotted the cop again and again at the lonely train station, she noticed they were the only 2 people there.

On the train back, Holly looked around the half empty compartment, and noticed the short-haired blonde was on the train as well. She looked at the blonde, who stared back at her with slight hesitation, then grinned at Holly and approached her, hoping to strike up idle conversation with this intriguing brunette. Settling for the seats in front of the brunette, she started the conversation.

"Hi!"

"Hello. Hi."

"So, how far are you going?"

"Umm, Toronto."

"Me too! What are the odds?"

The two of them seemed to be having this mindless conversation, but they were trying to understand why the other person seemed so familiar to them.

"Do you work at the Toronto Police Department or something?" the blonde asked, wondering why she was drawn to this reserved brunette. She smiled at Holly, who however socially awkward she seemed, was calm having this conversation with her.

"Yeah."

"That's where I know you from!" The police officer snapped her fingers and looked at her, staring at the brunette with a grin.

"I don't remember you at all." Holly stated back, looking at her with confusion all over her face. The blonde, realizing that the conversation was probably over, slumped into the seats, while Holly tried to collect herself and understand why she was so open with this complete stranger.

"Hi! I'm Gail, by the way."

Gail could not understand why she kept talking to this brunette, why her brain would not shut up and let her ride back home in peace, but something in her subconscious was calling out to this woman and she grinned and Holly grabbed her extended hand and shook it.

"I'm Holly." Holly replied, grinning back her lopsided grin and she knew that there was definitely something underlying the whole encounter, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it.


	4. A chance meeting

Sitting at the train station, Gail frowned, waiting for the next train home. Trouble was, it was past midnight and the next train home was due in 2 hours. Stuffing her hands into the pockets of her leather jacket, Gail pushed her head back and rested it hard on the wall behind the bench she was seated on. It was pretty dark, only a few lights were on at the station and these lights threw the rest of the station in darkness. There was absolutely no one at the station, not a soul in sight and Gail began to wish she had charged her phone before leaving her parent's house.

Frustrated with not knowing what to do for the next 2 hours, Gail closed her eyes to try and sleep for a while, but in vain.

Opening her eyes to gaze up at the station's roof, she tried to clear out her mind, but all her thoughts seemed to be running into the other and she decided now was as a good a time as any to contemplate on what her life had become. Taking a deep breath, Gail had unwittingly decided that this lonely little train station was where she would make up her mind on her life-changing choices.

That seemed too loaded to think off, however. For some reason, whenever Gail thought about her life, no happy memories came to mind. All that came to mind were moments of solitude and being left in the cold. Nothing else. Gail began to wonder if she would ever have happy memories to look back at when she did grow old. Gail wasn't wild; she hadn't done anything on a whim. All that Gail had done in her life - was do what she assumed was expected of her and when that got too hard for her to do - she lashed out in rebellion. Gail had never done anything her heart had told her to do, to the point where she

wondered if she ever longed for anything anymore. Gail was now deep in contemplation.

Had she managed to lose herself in the process of being everything she was expected to be? Did she have anything to show for herself, in a way that didn't involve rebellion against authority? Gail groaned at her memories. Ran away from home to refuse going to camp, dying her black to in an

attempt to be Goth and annoy her mother, even now , she was sitting stubbornly at the station as she had refused to apply for a promotion and her mother had been admonishing her about the fact that she wasn't a child anymore.

Digging her hands harder into her pockets, Gail closed her eyes and willed her brain to shut up and get some shut-eye.

However a nearby rustling noise made Gail alert and Gail sat up to see what exactly it was that was moving closer.

Gail noticed a tall brunette woman giving a soft smile and this woman settled herself on the other end of the bench she was on. Gail eyed her with the suspicion she regarded everyone with and after assuming this woman wasn't going to bug her, Gail resumed her position of staring the roof and crossed her legs, in an attempt to ward off any attempt of conversation this brunette might start. The brunette however had come prepared to wait it out at the station and had opened a book she had brought with her. Gail looked away from the brunette, feigning disinterest in the brunette. After roughly five minutes of staring at the darkness in the station, spotted with a few lights here and there, Gail decided that perhaps the most interesting thing at the station was this person sitting next to her.

Hands still in her pockets, Gail turned to look at the brunette. A sole light was on over her head and Gail looked at the brunette who was deeply interested in her book. Gail studied the woman, who didn't move an inch and was now wearing a pair of spectacles which gave her an extremely bookish look. Her brown hair fell down her shoulders ruffled and slightly disheveled and Gail couldn't help but think the woman was extremely beautiful and a tad mysterious. This woman completely ignored Gail and didn't even seem to notice the staring.

After eyeing the brunette till she was bored, Gail again looked up to the roof and began her contemplative thought processes yet again.

After reading a dense paragraph, Holly looked up from her book and turned to see a blonde who was sitting like a five year old who had just been scorned. The blonde was pouting up looking at the roof and managed to look beautiful sighing and occasionally mumbling at the roof of the station.

"Do you mind? I'm trying to read here." said Holly, turning to frown at the stranger, a little annoyed at the presence of someone else at her favourite spot at the station.

Gail hadn't even realised she was muttering to herself and glared at the brunette. After a moment of glaring at each other in silence, Gail huffed out and resumed staring at the roof, her mouth shut this time and Holly returned to her book.

* * *

Gail jerked awake at someone shaking her, she looked up to see the mysterious brunette jostling her. Pulling herself away from the brunette's grasp, Gail groaned at being awoken from a short and uncomfortable nap.

"The train will here in a minute," the brunette mumbled at her, and Gail in her half-awake state looked at the brunette. She looked gorgeous and Gail was surprised at just how amazingly beautiful this woman was. Sitting up straight, she noticed this woman was ready to board the train. A few more people were scattered in the station and all the lights were on now, which made the station look extremely different from what it did in the half light of the night. Perhaps that's why the brunette looked so different. Gorgeous even.

Waking up thoroughly as the train rumbled into the station, Gail stood up, quickly pulling her hands out of her pockets to set her hair right. As the train slowly came to a halt at the platform, Gail stared as the brunette quickly scurried onto the train and Gail slowly shuffled towards the empty train compartment.

Sitting down at one of the seats, Gail noticed the brunette had already gotten a seat and was already pulling the book out of her bag. Gail studied the woman as she looked at the window to see the station moving away before bending down to her book.

Gail was now quite awake and knew there was no way she would sleep now. Sneaking one last glance at the brunette, Gail decided that perhaps some interaction would entertain her on the half- hour long train journey home. Moving to a seat opposite the brunette, Gail noticed that this brunette wasn't only deep in her book, she was pointedly ignoring her.

"What was a woman like you doing at a lonely station like that?"

Holly looked up from her book to see the blonde was sitting opposite her and was mesmerized with how blue this blonde woman's eyes were. Taking a deep breath and closing her book, Holly looked at the woman who was opposite her and thought perhaps actual conversation would do her some good.

"I could say the same thing to you now," Holly replied, glancing at the blonde a moment longer before turning to look outside the window to see the city rushing by.

"I can defend myself, you on the other hand don't seem the kind that spends nights at a train station." Gail jibed back, slightly glad this woman hadn't exactly shot her down for the conversation.

"I manage quite fine by myself, no need to worry yourself sick about that."

Gail winced at that reply and then looked out the window herself, not really sure what to say anymore. Biting her lower lip, Gail squinted to look outside as the train was slowly pulling to a stop at the next station.

"Where do you get off?" Gail started, in a hopeful attempt to renew the conversation.

The brunette gave Gail a lopsided grin - "None of your business" the brunette replied back and

Gail was surprised at the snark this brunette was throwing her. Fine, two can play at that game. Shrugging her shoulders and thinking perhaps this brunette wasn't going to share much with her, Gail stuffed her hands in her pockets yet again and sunk low in her seat.

"That's a sign that you're not exactly a talker, you know?" the brunette blurted out, before she could stop herself.

Gail looked up at the other woman and frowned as if to say what. She wasn't going to talk to this woman anymore than she could help it, now that she had been scorned anyway.

"Sticking your hands in your pockets is a typical sign that a person doesn't prefer social interaction." Holly ratted off, as if from memory.

Raising an eyebrow at the brunette, Gail shook her head and looked out the window and decided it was her turn to ignore the brunette.

Holly sighed and turned to look out the window. " I always take the 4:20 to Toronto when I'm out here. I've never seen you out here however."

Gail sneaked a glance at her and smirked. Not turning to look at the brunette, Gail started her reply

"I just thought the best place to think about stuff would be the train station."

" Well, was it?"

Gail shrugged her shoulders and now looked at the brunette who was opposite her.

" I guess in the process of becoming what I'm supposed to be, I've forgotten what I wanted to be."

"In what sense?" Holly questioned back, slightly thankful the blonde seemed to have gotten over her sarcastic reply.

Gail snorted at that questioned and thought for a minute before replying "In every sense there is."

Holly smiled at the blonde, who seemed to be quite collected for all the worrying thoughts she put out here.

"Well?" Gail asked seeing the brunette smiling and noticing it was lopsided.

"Everyone's nowhere they want to be. That's kind the point of life. Living on to get to be where you wanna be."

"Yes, but at some point you learn that you're never going to be where you want to be. That's depressing. "

The brunette nodded, not knowing what to reply to the apparently philosophical blonde.

"It's like being on a train like this you know. And it's going on and on, and you don't know where to get off. So you keep riding it, on and on, hoping someone will tell you where to get off and take you to where you want to be."

The brunette chuckled at that statement, liking where the conversation was heading.

"That's a lot of expectations from the world – besides you don't seem the romantic type."

Gail shook her head and looked outside yet again.

"It isn't romantic. It's what we expect from life."

" And now you're disappointed that you haven't gotten that?"

"Well, are you happy where ever you are?

Holly pondered the question from a moment and sighed.

"Perhaps not."

"See! It's all pointless. " Gail exclaimed, shifting in her seat to sit upright.

"But I'd like to think I'm getting where I want to be." The train was slowly stopping at the station.

"False hopes. That's all there is." Gail muttered, as Holly stood up to get off the train. Gail absent-mindedly stood up herself and followed the brunette to the train door. Holly also didn't notice that Gail was following her and was thinking off a point to think off to come back to the blonde's pessimism with existence.

"That's not true. There are people who are satisfied with where they are." Holly started, getting off the train and began walking home, while Gail followed her, walking by her side, hands still stuffed in her jacket pockets.

"See, that's where I think you're wrong. No one's happy. Everyone just pretends to be happy and beneath this façade, they're all miserable."

"I don't believe that. " Holly shook her head and they both slowly strolled over to her house, Gail walking with her.

"That makes you the romantic here."

"It does not. It makes me the optimist here. I'm not waiting for anyone to save me."

"I never said I was waiting for anyone to save me." Gail stated back, surprised the brunette that said that.

"Well it was implied," Holly defended,

"Sorry to tell you it was not. Besides, who can you trust in this world?"

"Strangers in the train station clearly," Holly laughed back, walking up the alleys n they both stopped in front a 2 story house, while Holly walked up to the front door, while Gail stood a few feet away looking at Holly as she stood in front of the door.

"Well, guess this is goodbye." Gail said, coyly kicking the ground and shifting as Holly smiled a little as she opened the door and turned to look at Gail.

"I guess it is.", she smiled as she went inside and shut the door.  
Gail looked at the door and shook her head; she hadn't even gotten the other woman's name.

Shrugging, Gail walked back to the station to get to where she actually had to go.

* * *

Standing guard at the crime-scene, Gail groaned as a tall brunette hurried past the yellow tape, completely ignoring her.

"Hey Lunchbox, you're not allowed down there."

When the woman turned around to see who exactly had called her a lunchbox, Holly was just as surprised as Gail to see her.

_A.N: In case you didn't notice - this isn't from a movie. This was just my brain playing with a scenario. (If it is – I've never seen it! Let me know if do let me know if my imagination sucks or not. Thanks.)_


	5. Faded

_AN: I don't know what possessed me to write this. I SWEAR. I don't even know if this is from a movie I've repressed or something? Or just a scenario that played out in my head?_

_Consider yourself warned._

You don't want to get up. You don't want to stir an inch. It's been a horrible month. Horrible doesn't begin to cover it. It's been a month. A month since some mobster in a mad-dash of craziness and revenge had gunned down your police officer girlfriend. It's been a month and the memory doesn't leave you.

You are staring at the ceiling and all that crosses your mind is the fact that she isn't there. Next to you. She's supposed to be next to you, with her blonde hair a complete mess and all sexed up from the night you should have had together. But she isn't. And the other end of the bed is as cold as ever.

What really engulfs you is this massive hole she's left here. You hadn't expected to fall for someone this hard. This bloody hard. You were an independent woman. You knew how to tackle life on your own. What really hits home is that all the independence and confidence you are can't make up for the basic fact that you can not just function without her. You find that absolutely insane. This woman's absence has broken you. What's worse is you don't want to revert back to the woman you were. You want to cling on to every bit of the person you were with her. You want to so badly just have her by your side. And you can't. And that kills every sliver of hope that emerges in your mind.

You toss and turn in the bed. A month back, the sheets still smelled of her. And you had reveled in the little solace they brought. Now, all that you had were dirty sheets, that gave you nothing to remind you of the woman you once shared those sheets with. You knew you had to get up and wash those sheets. But not now. Not now.

Your phone rings and you barely move. You don't want to talk to anyone but her. Anyone but her can go to hell now. It continues to ring which makes you want to check who it is that is calling you. A lot of friends have been calling you every other day - and while you appreciate their concern, but you really can't take them now. Mornings were always the hardest. You just want to fade into oblivion till something or the other forces you out of bed. To the point where you're wondering what exactly it is that will pull you out of bed today.

Grabbing your phone to see who it was that was calling you, You see the call end and the screen flashes back to the date and time.

It's today. It's Saturday the Thirteenth. Which makes it today. And a part of you wants to sink deeper into the sheets and never resurface again.

So you don't move. You close your eyes and try to focus on this day, a year ago.

And you can't. No matter how hard you try, your focus keeps shifting to the last month. And you're scared that you can't recall any of the good times you had with her. A lot of your friends had warned you that you probably loved her more than she did, and you had rubbished them as unawareness on their part. But you had to admit, you had consoled yourself with that petty thought. You felt that lack of love you would experience in the forthcoming weeks wouldn't be as comparable to the fact that you didn't have anyone to love anymore. You know that's a selfish thought. You feel guilty that your thoughts are this twisted - but you give into the tiny bit of relief it brings.

A knock on the door brings your mind back to the room you refuse to leave under any circumstances. You can hear the alternating sounds of the doorbell and knocking and you do not budge - hoping whoever it was would take the hint and go away. That doesn't seem to be happening however.

After ten minutes of someone relentlessly making their presence known at the front door, annoyance finally overcomes you and you get up in a huff to reach the front door. As you do so, you wonder why it is so hard to do something as trivial as opening the door, your mind flashes back to all those times you opened that very door and there would be your gorgeous blonde. You had to now brace yourself every time you opened the door. This made living even more terrifying. You had to brace yourself while doing the most mundane of things as everything you did, you were reminded of her. Every drab task had now turned into an uphill battle, and this was probably what wore you down the most. Because as broken as you are, you don't like to be perceived as such. You like to put up a brave face, a mask behind which to hide. You find the irony of the situation that your girlfriend was the Queen of wearing masks, and now you had to resort to wearing one too.

You open the door, expecting one of your friends or one of Gail's friends. It's not uncommon that they come to check up on you. And you don't mind that much. It helps you have a moment or two of sanity, as they make the coffee and bring you over some breakfast - tasks you still haven't ventured out to do again. To your surprise you see a pale-faced rookie you've never met before. He's visibly trembling before you - and you don't blame him. You probably look like a monster on the loose and you must have scared the guy when you didn't open the door for so long. He holds up a clear plastic zip lock bag and you recognize its contents immediately.

Gail's phone and wallet.

These two items had been taken away as evidence - and had been holed up there - till today. You reach out to take the bag and rookie gives you it to you without a word, before slinking away. You go inside and sit on the couch, an achievement of sorts for you. You've not sat on the couch unless someone was over - and you reassure yourself that you can get through this. You can.

You fiddle with Gail's phone and you realize it's been wiped clean. It's as if it is brand new - and you check every conceivable app to see anything Gail might have left but you find nothing.

Emptiness fills you yet again and you are about to go back and sink into the bed again when you notice the wallet. It was one of those things you've never really noticed about anyone. Sure, everyone has a wallet. It wasn't something she had remembered seeing Gail having particular affection for. It was what it was - just a wallet.

You pick up the wallet and dig through it. You don't exactly know what you're looking for - but you're looking anyway. You find various ID's, Driver's License and other random cards. A few bills are stuffed here and there - the bill at the last pizza place you both shared a meal is there and you take the little piece of paper with such care. You know it's insane - but this piece of paper feels like that last thing that reminds you of her and you prize it. Digging around further in the wallet till you find nothing else - your heart sinks a little more. You had wanted these two things to give you some sort of closure on this day- and so far - except for the bill - the wiped-phone and the wallet were probably the dullest parts of Gail that had been handed to her now. Fumbling with the wallet for the last time, you come across a hidden flap with something inside. You are immediately surprised at this. You hadn't thought of Gail as someone who would keep something away in a tiny pocket of her wallet. You dig into it with much difficulty and pull out a thin, old photograph and gasp.

It's a photograph you recognize easily - it's a picture of your younger self - grinning widely with a few teeth missing and staring so happily into the camera. You immediately think off the time you had taken Gail to your parents for dinner - where the weather had taken a turn for the worse and you had to spend the night in your old room. It was decidedly difficult for any hanky-panky so you both decided that rummaging through your old stuff would have to do. She had laughed at every single picture of you - claiming you were definitely nerdier back then. You can't remember Gail showing any special attachment to the photograph you have in your hand right now - and try as you might - you can't remember her doing anything but teasing you adorably. You turn the photograph over and find something scribbled in Gail's handwriting.

_Little Lunchbox._

At that, any tiny bit of resolve you had in your heart breaks.

This woman loved you more than you had known. More than you would ever know.


	6. Where would I be without my woman?

_Is it horrible that when the producers said 'We would get to see some of Gail's growth' – I envisioned something like this?_

Gail wasn't used to getting up in the night in her warm, comfy bed to find the other end bare. In fact - it had never been like this with Holly. Gail always loved waking up with Holly next to here - no matter what time of the day it was. So when she couldn't find her girl next to her in the middle of the night, Gail was decidedly annoyed about it. Pulling the sheets a bit, Gail waited for Holly to return back to bed soon - thinking the brunette had gone to fetch a drink of water or something. After ten minutes of waiting in the dark for Holly to return, Gail began turning anxious. Holly wasn't the kind who randomly woke up in the middle of the night. Thinking something must have happened ,Gail forced herself out of bed to seek out her out.

Searching everywhere she could think of - from the kitchen to the bathroom, Gail began to panic a little as she couldn't find her anywhere. Adrenaline pumped through her blood now, she was thoroughly awake - and at the slightest hint - was ready to do some serious damage to any intruder. Tip- toeing around the house and worried about her girlfriend's whereabouts, she suddenly caught sight of her. Gail was about to heave a loud sigh of relief at the sight of her girlfriend, but she stopped short seeing Holly standing alone at the balcony, staring into space, seemingly deep in thought. Quite dumbstruck, she wasn't sure what to do - and in usual Gail fashion - blew everything out of proportion in her mind. Thinking off tangents –Gail thought that perhaps Holly wanted a little time alone, thought that if Holly had needed her she would have woken her up. Gail had to admit it now - as much as she wants to talk to the brunette and coax her back to bed - a part of her doesn't know if it's the right thing to do. Gently leaning against the door frame, Gail bit her lip wondering what her next move ought to be. Gail usually on being confronted with a situation she isn't sure what to do next - does what she does best - climb trees, run away, make up excuses, whatever. Gail could come up with a million euphemisms to represent what is it she does so well - but none of them diminish the basic fact – she's helpless when it comes to situations where she's expected to take charge, make a stand, and lead the way (in romantic situations that is). However, Gail's thought processes as usual led her back to her primary insecurities - perhaps that was why she would forever be a beat cop - and nothing more. Staring at the brunette as she slowly shifted - Gail decided to do what she normally does - walk away. Slipping away and silently wishing she was better at people, Gail slinked back into bed, realizing she was probably the worst girlfriend in the history of humankind.

It was about half an hour before Holly came back to bed; Gail had been counting the minutes. _This is insane,_ she thought to herself - but there was no way she would rake up the courage to ask Holly what was wrong. Feigning sleep and feeling Holly slide into bed next to her - Gail didn't do anything that would give away the fact that she wasn't actually asleep. Waiting till she was absolutely sure the brunette was comfy and asleep, Gail sat up in bed, doing her best to not wake the sleeping brunette. Gail racked her brains to think of anything that might have affected Holly, but couldn't. Her day was normal - no news of any sort from anywhere - so Gail was at a loss of what to think. She didn't know what had gotten to her girlfriend - and was definitely worried - about both her girlfriend and her own capabilities to deal with her.

Gail wasn't used to helping people through their emotions - she could barely make it through her own - and she had always thought of herself as the person who was emotionally dependent on Holly (as much as she liked to publicly deny it). Gail could feel the blood stilling in her veins - she was sure if she had to be there for Holly (whatever that meant) - she was going to be pretty pathetic at it. Horror gripped Gail as her exe's words came back to haunt her. She wasn't girlfriend material of any sort. There was a reason for that. It was romantic to think that Holly had changed that notion - but the truth was still plain to see - Gail wasn't one for processing emotions and feelings - something that's an integral part of relationships.

Needless to say - it took Gail quite a long while to get back to sleep that night.

Morning came - and Gail was watching Holly like a hawk, looking for any sign that the brunette might be feeling a little blue. Failing miserably at that – Gail couldn't do much as the two left for their day's work. All day, Gail was worried about was Holly and anything that might have been bothering her and she had to fight the urge to text the pathologist every half-hour, enquiring if she was alright or not. That wasn't too hard as she was later pulled in for a chase after a petty arms dealer whom the 15 division had managed to snag at the right time. Exhausted after a tiring and rather annoying game of cat and mouse - Gail had been sent off home for the rest of the day. Gail was glad to get any time off as the lack of sleep the previous night and the now tiring chase had drained her - and she rushed back home and promptly fell asleep on the couch.

Holly wasn't exactly blue for any particular reason. She just hadn't been able to sleep and she couldn't exactly say what had gotten to her - but she knew she wasn't her usual self. She had assumed a little alone time in the night would have helped her a bit, but it hadn't. She had badly wanted to wake up the blonde and talk to her - about something , anything - from forensic pathology to sloppy T.V. shows - just a random talk with her girlfriend which would take her mind of whatever that was getting her down. But Holly was terrified of waking the blonde. She knew Gail would immediately know something was wrong with her and Holly wouldn't know how to say to the blonde. She knew Gail's tendency to go off the deep end - and didn't want to trigger that reaction for something was so seemingly pointless. What alone time in the night had revealed to Holly was that she was horrified of feeling vulnerable in front of Gail. Holly knew she was the default emotionally strong one - and letting Gail see the vulnerable side of herself was something Holly was dreading. She had been hoping to be the strong one forever after - but after all - how long do hopes normally last.

It took Holly a lot of energy to be normal the next day - she knew Gail was eyeing her every movement with such intensity - and it was all Holly could do but fake normalcy. Thinking that Gail must have picked up on something - Holly went about her day in her normal way - but all the while feeling a little guilty at Gail's occasional messages asking about her. Holly knew the logical thing to do would be to ensure to her girlfriend that she was okay - but her messages didn't seem to be bringing Gail any relief. After her day was done - Holly drove back home knowing that she would have to do something to make her girlfriend relax.

Walking into the house - Holly stopped to see Gail fast asleep on the couch. All her inhibitions from the previous night fell away and Holly had the overwhelming urge to snuggle up in her girlfriend's arms. Not thinking twice - Holly dropped her coat and bags on the floor and tried to lie down in the little space next to Gail. Gail stirred instinctively in her sleep and moved a little - making space for the brunette to lie down next to her. Holly rested her head on the blonde's shoulder and her body melted into Gail's frame, a smile slipping on to her face as she closed her eyes and immediately felt drowsy in the blonde's arms. Gail woke up slowly - a little surprised at the turn of events. She tried moving a bit to see Holly was comfy and almost half asleep in her arms. Gail could feel her fears slowly fading away. This wasn't so bad - this was actually nice. They seemed to be a perfect fit no matter. That hadn't made Gail worry any lesser however.

"Hey are you -"

Gail was cut short but Holly pressing a finger against her lips and softly shushing her.

"You can only make it worse from here." she softly whispered in Gail's ears and slowly falling asleep, with a sleepy grin on her face.

Gail huffed at that reply but was glad. That was more like her cheeky, smart girlfriend. Smiling that she had somehow managed to make her girlfriend better, Gail felt better. Maybe this wasn't as bad as she had thought it out to be after all.


	7. Free to be Me

Gail fumbled with the nearly empty packet as she pulled out a half-crushed cigarette out of the pack. This was pushing it a bit - even for herself - Gail did go to glorious lengths to be a rebel - and usually drew the line at silly yet sufficiently obnoxious enough to piss of her mother just the right amount. However, her mother had gone overboard this time - and Gail was stopping at nothing to rebel - even if it meant clogging up her lungs. She hadn't a freaking clue how to smoke - but hey - how hard could it be. Lighting up the cigarette and taking in a drag - Gail immediately coughed it out. No one told her it was smoking was this horrendous to the smoker themselves. It took Gail a couple of tries but she managed to get the hang of this.

Trying to quell the burning sensation in her throat, Gail spotted a dark, brunette strolling towards her, with a sling bag and carrying a couple of books. The brunette regarded Gail with a frown, but ignored her for now and sat one the other end of the long bench, in the empty grounds.

Holly could make out she wasn't exactly a pro-smoker. She kept coughing at every drag - and clearly didn't realize she was wasn't quite smoking the cigarette in the process, giving her second-hand smoke in anyway.

"I wouldn't continue that if I were you."

Gail turned to eye the brunette with a distasteful look of scorn. Gail felt she had had enough mothering for a while now, but this brunette next to her piqued her interest a bit.

"And it's none of your business."

"I don't see why you're smoking. You don't seem the type."

"And you don't seem the type who talks to strangers after dark." Gail snickered. Damn this brunette for taking away this one moment of solitude she had managed. But Gail wasn't as quite annoyed as she would have usually been.

Holly moved closer to the blonde, quite prepared to deliver a sermon on the ill-effects of smoking.

"Did you know smoking can cause a variety of diseases from lung infections to -

"Cancer. Yeah, Nerd - I can read the pack as well" Gail replied - waving the crumbled-up pack in Holly's face. As much trouble as she was having with smoking the cigarette, she wasn't going to let that affect her cool points.

Holly sighed, she couldn't believe people would put their bodies through all kinds of hell - just for a momentary high.

"I never understood why people smoke." Holly muttered, shaking her head at the blonde who was trying hard to appear relaxed spite the urge to cough every other minute.

Gail had of course thought of an answer which she had planned to give her mother in the event she posed the same question to her. Placing the cigarette in her mouth in an attempt to be cool - Gail decided to talk with the cigarette in her all, she couldn't let the brunette know she was just an amateur.

"Well, for starters it's a really cool habit -"

Gail didn't have the time to finish that sentence as the brunette had already pulled the cigarette out of her mouth and threw it away.

"HEY!"

"I would have taken anything else as an answer - the high it gives, the temporary pain relief - but THAT was a stupid answer."

"Well, Nerd - you forgot I've got a pack right here." Gail sneered back, pulling out the last cigarette and placing in her mouth, knowing pretty well the brunette was giving her such an icy glare, but disregarding her all the same, Gail lit up the cigarette and took another drag and raised her eyebrows at the brunette.

"Well, I hope you die a painful death then!" Holly spat and got up in a huff, quite hurt at the blonde's absolute disregard for her words. Gail knew she was quite over the line and she had to make amends. Besides, no one on Earth dared pull a stunt as blatant as pulling a cigarette out of her mouth - and that had for some twisted reason placed the brunette in the list of people Gail liked.

"Hey! HEY! NERD!" Gail called pulling the cigarette out of her mouth and standing up, hoping the brunette would stop and turn back. She did turn back ,giving her a look of scorn and indifference.

"Look!" Gail threw the cigarette on to the ground and smothered it with the sole of her shoes. Who was she kidding, her lungs and throat felt like something had died inside and the smoke had only made her flushed and a bit out of breath rather than high and cool as people make it seem.

Holly raised an eyebrow and gestured towards the blonde's hand - which was holding the empty packet. Gail crumpled it up and threw it away - and took a few steps towards the brunette. Screw the cigarettes, this brunette seemed more intriguing than anyone she had ever come across.

Holly saw Gail throwing the pack to the ground and smiled. Atleast she wasn't a total failure at convincing the blonde to stop smoking - though she couldn't comprehend why she would throw her cigarette to the ground after she had gotten up in anger.

"So, Nerd, Can I have your number?"

Gail would have gladly eaten the pack of cigarettes after she heard herself mouth those words. She convinced herself the smoke had gotten to her brain and had muddled some stuff there.

Holly let out a little laugh, "Yeah, I don't go out with smokers." she replied, walking away.

"But I just quit!"

All Gail heard in reply was a laugh. She would be damned if she didn't come across the brunette again.

* * *

Gail did later manage to get out of the grounds after a while to visit a nearby cafe. If she wasn't going to smoke - she needed turn up at home smelling of tobacco anyway. Besides, she had to come up with a better plan to show her mother she wasn't going to buckle down in any situation.

Stepping into the cafe, the first thing Gail saw of course was the brunette who had gone out of her way to help her, and now Gail had to go out of her way to get her number.

Pulling a chair from a nearby table and dragging towards the brunette's table, she saw that brunette was nose deep in a book of anatomy. No wonder she was going all out to stop smokers.

"So, I don't know if it's the smoke that's left me a bit confused or something - but you're the girl who pulled a cigarette out of my mouth, right?"

Holly looked at the blonde, whose chair was very close to her own, but she wasn't worried. She liked this blonde who was hell-bent on getting her number - but that didn't mean she was going to go easy on her.

"Yeah. That was me. Or as you know me - Nerd."

"You know,if I knew your name - I wouldn't have to call you that."

"I think Nerd is good for now."

Gail couldn't help it - but the more this girl kept turning down her advances - the more she was intrigued with her.

"You know, I've got to thank you, you know."

"Thank me? For what?" Holly replied, knowing pretty well where this dialog usually goes. But she would be lying if she said wasn't interested in the blonde herself.

"Well, the death wish for one."

Holly hadn't expected that of all the answers. This blonde seemed to be a whole different deal. But she wasn't going to give in now.

"Well, I'm sorry about that but -"

"Well you can apologize by giving me your name" Gail cut in - trying to be as smooth as possible.

"Do you even realize how obnoxious you are being?"

Gail internally winced at that, damn the brunette was calling her out on all her stunts. But that wasn't deterring her. Not one bit.

"Says the woman who snatched a cigarette from my mouth."

"Well, you weren't smoking it exactly." Holly jibed back, taking the last sip from her cup of coffee and getting ready to leave.

"So then, how do I thank you, Nerd?" stressing the Nerd, in her attempt to annoy the brunette and at the least get her name.

"Well, I don't really expect anything in return, but thanks."

Gail knew she had lost the battle, but as the brunette was putting away her books, Gail caught her name on the cover of one of the text books and grinned to herself.

"Besides, as you know, I don't date smokers." Holly finished as smoothly as she could, gathering up her stuff and leaving the blonde by herself. Holly would have loved to learn the blonde's name - but that was going to wait a bit now - due to her incessant need to play games.

Holly swiftly walked out of the cafe, leaving Gail at the table. The score was 0-2 in her favor.

Gail sat at the table with a silly smile on her face. Oh, she was definitely smitten by Holly S.

* * *

The next day, Holly was considerably surprised to find a short and to-the-point note stuffed in her locker.

_Hey Nerd,_

_This is my number. Text me when you want to curse someone ever again._

_'Smoking' Hot._


	8. Meet the Stewarts

Meet the Stewarts

'Hol, where's my tie?' Gail called out. She wasn't quite used to the feeling of being this nervous. Nope, not one of her top - ten emotions.

'Gail, you're going to meet my parents, not marry me!' Holly replied with a chuckle, finding a very flustered looking Gail absolutely adorable. Gail wasn't one to easily get nervous - and the fact that Gail was going all out to impress her parents touched Holly immensely.

'I don't think the occasion warrants a tie Gail, it's just a nice quiet meal with my mom and dad - '

'I want your parents to like me. And parents don't usually like me. So excuse me for being just a tad worried about tonight.' Gail sighed, deciding that perhaps the tie would be a bit over-board in the 'I'm qualified to date your daughter' department.

'Gail, honey - my parents are going to love you. Just as yours loved me.'

Gail rolled her eyes at that. Of course Elaine Peck loved Holly, quite possibly more than she loved Gail. Gail still couldn't forget the memory of both Holly and her mother laughing and chatting at 100 miles per hour, about her. Trust Holly to have Elaine Peck wrapped around her little finger.

'That doesn't count when you're as adorable as you are.' Gail muttered, falling back into the bed. She was definitely going to need some alcohol to get through her evening.

'Aww, thanks babe.' Holly smiled back, giving Gail a quick peck on the cheek before getting up to leave.

'Can we stop at the bar for a few drinks?'

Holly scoffed at that, 'Sure, Gail - I'll just tell my dad - a man who values punctuality as much anything that we'll be late because you needed a few drinks.'

Gail frowned at that.

_ Should have had the alcohol beforehand._

—

Walking from the car up to the front steps of the Stewart residence, Gail immediately felt sick. This was all turning too real, too fast. Who was she kidding, parents did not like her, her own parents barely liked her - and here she was going to meet the most important and intimidating person ever. Nope, no way was this evening going to be anyway the way she wanted it to be.

'I think I'm going to be sick.' Gail whispered in Holly's ear as she rang the doorbell_. Great timing on that, Peck._

'Well, don't.' Holly replied, knowing that her father would never approve of that.

Gail took a deep breath and centered herself.

_Come on Peck, you can do this. You're a police officer for Christ's sake. You deal with thugs everyday - this should not throw you off._

No sooner than 10 seconds since Holly rang the doorbell, the front door opened and a huge man stepped out.

'Daddy!' Holly exclaimed in joy, giving her dad a tight hug as Rob Stewart wrapped his arms around his daughter as well.

Gail had heard plenty about Colonel. Robert Stewart - but nothing prepared her for the sight she faced. Towering well over 6 and a half ft, Rob Stewart looked like a man who could crush bones with his bare hands. Clean-shaven and impeccably dressed, Rob Stewart still looked like he was ready to march off into war at the first sign of it. Gail had to try really hard to not visibly gulp at the man, who for all his machismo, was smiling gleefully as he hugged his daughter. Rob Stewart looked like the man who never bent his will, but was willing to go to the ends of the world for his daughters.

_If I wasn't terrified enough._

_Oh shit, what do I do now? _Gail was trying to figure what to do next._Handshake? Hug? What do I call this guy? Sir? Colonel?_

'Daddy this is Gail.' Holly started, turning to introduce Gail to her father, who outstretched his hand towards Gail.

_Handshake it is._

'Pleasure to meet you, Sir.' Gail replied, hoping her nervousness wasn't obvious.

'Oh please,' Rob Stewart laughed, shaking Gail's hand vigorously, 'Call me Colonel.'

Gail's eyes widened at that.

_Off on the wrong foot from the start. Terrific._

'Daddy!' Holly exclaimed, knowing her father was being playful.

'Fine, fine you can call me Rob,' the Colonel replied with a little twinkle in his eye as he let go of Gail's hand and ushered the two girls inside. Holly ran in to greet her mother, as Gail stood at the threshold of the house, removing her coat.

Monica Stewart was a kindly, no non-sense woman, who was at that time busy preparing setting up the table for dinner. Holly gave her mother a tight hug and introduced Gail as she stepped into the dining room.

'Good evening Mrs. Stewart' Gail started and stopped short as Monica pulled her in for a tight hug.

_ Oh God, hugs._

Gail internally groaned and Holly grinned at seeing Gail and her mother.

'You seem nervous dear! Don't let him get to you.' Mrs. Stewart told Gail with a wink. Gail immediately steeled her mind. No way she was going to get through this evening if she seemed nervous already.

'You two!' Colonel Stewart called out with a loud laugh, 'Stop that! Besides, what joy does an old man have other than terrifying the people his daughters bring home hmm?'

Holly and Mrs. Stewart laughed at that, Gail on the other hand didn't know whether to be terrified of the man's words or to take him for his playful tone.

Holly, of course started helping her mother with everything, leaving Gail and the Colonel alone.

_Holly Stewart, don't you do this to me._

'So, Gail, what's your poison?'

Gail turned around as quickly as she could, her mind half wondering if the Colonel actually had a vial of poison somewhere. She was immensely relieved when she saw the Colonel holding up a bottle of scotch.

_Alcohol! Yay!_

'Scotch, neat.' deciding that perhaps her usual choices of Bourbon or Tequila were not good for this time.

The Colonel nodded, clearly impressed with Gail's choice. For once, Gail felt her high tolerance of alcohol had a good use.

Gail accepted the clear glass which Rob offered her and the two of them moved towards the living room.

The house was extremely cozy, without being showy. A show-case filled with various plaques and awards the Colonel had received over the years was at one end of the room. The walls were filled with various pictures - both family ones and ones for the sake of adorning the house. Numerous photos of Holly and her sister were scattered over the wall, giving the room an extremely homey feel. The furniture over the room was simplistic as well. An arm-chair - which was clearly reserved for the Colonel was at the centre of the room, flanked by sofas on both sides. On the whole - the house was definitely comfy for the elderly couple.

Rob took his glass of scotch and sat on his arm chair, motioning to Gail to take a seat on one of the sofas. Gail was still considerably shaken up from the Colonel's previous words and would have loved to guzzle all the scotch that was in her glass in a gulp. Deciding that would be indecorous, Gail held the glass in her hand, trying her best to feign casualness, hoping her usual mask was just as it always is.

'So, Gail, Holly tells me you're a police officer?'

Gail decided to stick to the safe side and address the Colonel as sir anyway.

'Yes sir, 15th division. Toronto PD.'

'Ahh.' Rob replied, taking a sip of his drink. Gail too decided she needed the hit of booze, took a heavy gulp from her glass.

'Wasn't that division involved with a shooting last year?'

'Yes Sir, It was -' realizing that being an officer at a precinct that had lax security in itself wouldn't be exactly heartening to the Colonel.

'Utter madness' the Colonel exclaimed, and Gail noticed that the Colonel hadn't exactly opposed her referring to him as Sir.

_I'm not in the good books._

'What happened?'

Gail proceeded to elaborate on the happenings of that day, explaining about the officers that were shot - leaving out the part where she stuck her tongue down his daughter's throat.

_This is her father Gail, the man looks like he could strangle a bear in his sleep._

The conversation flowed on, and the two were deep in conversation about the various weapons the force was using when Mrs. Stewart called them to the dining room.

Gail was a little relaxed, either because of the alcohol or the talk, or both.

As Gail sat at the table, the others took their places as well - Holly was opposite to Gail, the Colonel on her right, and Mrs. Stewart on her left. It was a snug fit.

Gail sat motionless as Mrs. Stewart served them all the food. Holly gave her a reassuring smile.

_You're alive so far._

The Colonel was the first to break the silence - after taking a sip from his water - decided to start with his interrogation of Gail.

'So, Officer - what does the future hold for you?'

Holly gave her small father a sideward glance before looking back at Gail, continuing to eat.

_This is worse than when my mother asks that._

'I do plan for applying for Detective rotations, and working my way up from there.'

The Colonel nodded at that, as he swallowed his food.

'Isn't that a late start, Officer?'

_Mother would have said the same thing._

'Well Sir, I didn't want to be pushed with the crowd blindly, and I assure it is a carefully considered decision - not one for the sake of moving on.'

Gail felt pretty pleased with that answer and smiled at Holly who was grinning her usual lopsided grin back at her.

_Finally opened score Peck. Well done._

Suddenly, an all too familiar tune came on, and on hearing it both Gail and Holly looked up at each other in absolute horror.

_Don't go there, Peck. DON'T go there._

It was too late.

_Da doo. Da doo._

_Do. Da doo._

_Da doo wop._

_Do. Da doo._

Gail immediately coughed, almost gagging on air as some extremely inappropriate imagery scrolled past her mind.

_You're having dinner with her parent's Gail. Pull it together._

Holly of course had dropped her fork and was running her fingers across her was insanely turned on at a blushing Holly, who was looking anywhere but up.

'That must be your sister calling. I've told her umpteen times to not call during dinner - ' Mrs. Stewart muttered as she got up to take the call. Holly of course had turned a bright red and was willing to go hide beneath the table for the amount of embarrassment she was feeling. A minute later, the Colonel followed his wife to talk to his daughter.

The duo sat like a pair of kids who were trying to hide their shenanigans. Holly was trying her best to regain her composure, but Gail was extremely amused seeing Holly so red, burst out into laughter. Holly gave her her best glare - which only served to make Gail laugh more.

Soon, the couple did come back to finish their meal, and Gail hoped against hope her interrogation was done.

'Mom - who told you about that song?' Holly questioned, wondering when did her mother become a fan of to Indie Music.

'Oh your sister set that song dear, It sounds nice and soothing.'

Gail was on the verge if bursting into laughter once again but remembering the Colonel was just behind her, decided to play it cool.

'Tell me about your parents, Officer.' the Colonel addressed Gail as he sat back down at the table.

_This isn't going to end soon is it?_

Gail started about her police dynasty of a family - not going too deep into specifics.

'Your mother is the Superintendent?' the Colonel exclaimed in surprise and Gail internally rolled her eyes.

_This isn't going good is it?_

The worst part of it all was Gail couldn't make out if she was doing well or not. So far, the Colonel was just taking in all she had to say.

_When will the results of this test be out already?_

The rest of the meal went on quite peacefully with Mrs. Stewart asking Gail various questions about her job.

After dinner, the Colonel stepped out to the porch to have his nightly cigar while Holly and her mother disappeared somewhere into the house leaving Gail alone.

_Now or never Peck._

Gail stepped out to the porch and joined the Colonel. Gail had been waiting for this moment for a long time and was bursting with impatience to have a private moment with the Colonel.

Gail approached the man and stood beside as him as he leaned over the little parapet that looked over the decided the Colonel wasn't one for beating about the bush lightly - and decided to be as direct as possible.

'Before you say anything', the Colonel began, 'let me put it out there that I don't care who you or your parents are. If you dare hurt my Holly, I will make you feel extremely sorry for it.'

Gail nodded, knowing well that the man was quite capable of carrying out his word. Then again - Gail wasn't surprised at that. She had been waiting for this all evening,

"I wouldn't expect any less Sir. But I swear to you that I would never do that. I love your daughter, and I intend to marry her someday.'

The Colonel turned to look at Gail with a look of surprise and anxiety. Gail of course misconstrued that as anger.

_Oh my God he's going to throw me over this wall isn't he?_

'She'll be constantly worried about you.' he stated, softly remembering the times his little girl had cried in his arms every time he had to leave for an assignment. Gail shook her head as well. That was something she really wished she could change.

'I know, Sir.'

Gail was surprised at the Colonel's words. She suddenly remembered Holly's description of him.

'He's like this big bear. Intimidating to look at, all fuzzy once you get to know him.'

The Colonel looked at Gail with a little smile. 'Call me Rob, Gail. '

_Did I just pass?_

'And I certainly have no apprehensions with you marrying my daughter. You're a good person Gail and that's all that matters to me. I trust that my daughter knows best - but I have no doubt you will be a good wife for my Holly.'

Gail's joys knew no bounds - she was grinning the hardest she had ever in her life.

_I passed!_

Gail was sure even if the Colonel hadn't given her his blessing she would have proposed to Holly anyway - but it was good to know her family approved of her.

'What you two doing out here?' Holly asked, sticking her head out into the little porch.

The Colonel winked at Gail and replied.

'Oh I was just telling Gail here about the time you decided you could fly because you thought you had 'turned-off' gravity.'

Gail chuckled at that and at Holly's look of horror.

_All that's left is to pop the question._


	9. Empty Spaces

**Consider yourself warned**_**.** Ooh Jumping Timelines again!_

You can feel the faint heat from the sun on your arms, and you're standing there, as if someone drained all the blood and life from your body - your slumped shoulders and tired, your eyes too weary to even look up. It's a gorgeous day, with the faint sunshine and a mild breeze in the air, a day you know for sure she would have enjoyed. A day you would have enjoyed with her - with pointless activities planned out. The sound of her laughter is still ringing in your ears, and if you close your eyes, you can feel her breath on your skin, her lips on yours, and as if by magic - she's back in your arms again. It's a cruel trick - and you don't know what to do. Should you give in and live forever desperately holding on to a dream - or never dare to sleep again - for the feeling of the dream shattering to reality is too bitter a picture for you to bear. But it's a glorious day, one she would have loved. Loved to share with you, loved to spend with you - laying her eyes on you, dragging you outdoors by bribing you - getting you to do things you in your sane mind would have never dreamt of, but you would have done all along - just because it always gave her this joy - her lopsided smile stuck on her face all day, and you would have done any lame deed in the world, just to see her smile.

You truly can't gather enough strength to even raise your gaze, you've lost. You have finally given in, the weight of finality finally weighing on your shoulders, something you believe you would never shake off. Your hands are stuck in your pockets, and you're tugging at the material lining the pockets, you're digging into them hard enough, you can feel the material give way as you're tugging harder and harder. You want to run away - far away from this reminder, this marker of all that you've lost, yet you're rooted to the spot - your eyes never leaving the words inscribed on the marker, and reading them over and over and over, each time you do - the feeling sinks in deeper, and you feel smaller, more insignificant than you did, and even more miserable. The only thing that's running through head is three simple words, and no matter what you do - the words echo in your mind, growing louder each time, each time haunting you worse than it did before.

_Come back, Hol._

* * *

As you reach the hospital, you don't remember the car ride much, but it doesn't matter. You're in denial. The news you got? That wasn't true? How could it be true? She was just there - she was right there when you woke up, and all of a sudden you're here in the hospital - people giving you sad looks of sympathy, and your brain hasn't really grasped anything at all. That car ride did nothing to make your stupid brain accept it. And before you realize it - people are flocking to you - strangers, friends, the rookies, everyone - they're all swarming around you to comfort you, and your brain feels short circuited. You know what happened, you were promptly informed of that - but _you_ don't know. It's all too surreal, too fast - it all feels like an extremely realistic nightmare. You don't understand how you're functioning even - but you know as much that you are functioning. You suddenly feel breathless, everyone's smothering you too much, and you know why - but you're brain isn't able to process that. It feels like a weight pressing on your chest, something gripping you by the neck and wringing the breath out of you, and that's enough to send your brain to over drive.

You want her by your side, she would make it all better, she would swoop right in from absolutely nowhere, and explain all the neurochemical processes in your brain - in the hope that understanding what was going on your brain would calm you down. It wasn't so much as the elaborate explanations, as much as her little mannerisms, the way she would gush and get so excited about random facts, the way she would explain it - expecting you to meet her halfway - except it all normally would go right over your head, this twinkle she got in her eye whenever she went into nervously passionate teacher mode. That was what always calmed you down, not the reasoning behind mundane chemical reactions.

So, you're still dumbstruck, waiting for her to come along and explain to you what just happened. And the next logical thought that pops into your brain is that - she can't. She can't.

* * *

This is heaven. You - wrapped up in your sheets, it's warm outside, but still, the plushy material on your skin, the mattress almost hugging you, it's too comfy to move an inch. You're asleep, sound asleep - after a late shift, you've got the day off, and you were planning on spending it with her. This was supposed to be a lazy day in bed, watching reruns of totally inaccurate television shows and sinful tucking in to the unhealthiest take-out. It's probably half past two in the afternoon, you don't care, it's your day off. And after a tiring shift like that - you don't feel any guilt about sleeping off half the day, in fact it still doesn't feel enough. You can hear the soft buzzing of your phone from somewhere, you really should have turned it off before going to bed. It's too comfy too move, it's too comfy for anyone to spoil your sleep. You're awake now, yet you have no wish to open your eyes and get out of bed. This would have been perfect if only she were here. You're immediately dreaming of your girl - who was always a sweetheart, quite possibly too much of a sweetheart. The ever-endearing nerd, who would never slack off - not even if you're here in her bed all day.

You jerk awake hearing someone banging hard on the door and almost assaulting the doorbell. Your girlfriend didn't usually forget the keys to her own house, so you assume it's some nosy neighbors, who have lame bone to pick. You really hate getting up off the bed, but the noise seems more unbearable than anything, and soon you're out of bed, cursing whoever could it be at three in the afternoon.

You truly hadn't expected Steve and his pale face with pain etched all over it.

* * *

It's evening, and finally all the people who had crowded around you had left, after all your misery was but a tiny part of their day. It's been fifteen minutes since someone came and told you how sorry they were for your loss, and with the silence in your head, it slowly begins to seep in. The news that had jolted you awake in the afternoon - slowly but surely makes its way through your mind, and your thoughts are barely clearing up.

_She's gone. She's isn't gonna come home anymore. She isn't going to kiss you good morning again, she isn't going to wrap her arms tight around you again, you aren't going to see her eyes again, you aren't going to feel her lightly pull you towards her, she isn't going to run her fingers through your hair again, she isn't going to softly whisper sweet nothings in your ear._

It's these rush of thoughts that feel like someone's plunging a dull knife right through your chest, not nearly killing you - but painful enough to make you grasp the sides of the chair you were sitting on and scream.

'No!' you try and yell, except for the first time you realize you had been crying for so long, that your voice is hoarse, you're sniffing badly, and quite breathless. _That's why those people were consoling me._

Your scream sounds nothing like a shout of pain, and more like a hoarse whisper in agony. It's Traci who's next to you, and she doesn't say a word and tries to calm you down by placing a calming hand on your shoulder. For some reason, it angers you, and you jerk away from her, you don't want anyone to touch you, if it wasn't Holly.

'Gail.' Traci says, softly, hoping to calm you down.

'I shouldn't have let her go out this morning.' you blurt out, not even realizing that those thoughts were running through your head somewhere.

'It's not you fau-'

'I shouldn't have let her go out, I should have kept her in bed till 12:49 and none of this would have happened.' you breathlessly blurt out, it feels easier and more difficult at the same time, placing some off the blame on yourself. _You idiot._

'Gail, it's not your fault.' Traci emphasizes, as calmly as she could but in vain. You're shaking your head, and slam your palms into your face, hoping something would revert the last few hours.

_I shouldn't have let her go._

* * *

It's half past seven in the morning, and you already know something's off. You can't feel her next to you, you could always tell when she woke up before you. The other side of the bed would be still warm, but you wouldn't be able to feel her, hear the soft comforting rhythm of her breathing, and you already jump to the conclusion that she's woken up before you. But you're still tired, you want to sleep longer, and you don't want to stir and inch, but at the same time, you want her to know you're utterly annoyed that she isn't next to you. You can hear her, walking up and about the room, hear the faint sound of her pulling her clothes on, setting her hair straight. You assume that she's been called in a bit early today, probably a gruesome murder, which could easily wait. But the last time you tried explaining to her that dead people would still be dead even if she were late by 15 minutes ended up with you getting a crash course on differential time analysis and forensic ethics. So, to show your annoyance with her, you curl up into a ball at the corner of the bed. Sure enough, you feel her climb on the bed and whisper that she'd be back as soon as she was done with the case. You're still annoyed with her,so you don't open your eyes or say a word, and you can picture her pouting at your stubbornness. You hear her sigh and before you know it, she's pressing a soft kiss to your left cheek and scrawling out of the bed.

You're immediately annoyed at your own stubbornness, and you want her back in bed now, but you're too lazy to climb out of bed and drag her back.

'Come back, Hol!' you yell, hoping she hears you and comes back. Except you hear her snicker before the front door slams shut.

You groan and fall back into the pillows, deciding to fall asleep till she comes back.


	10. Vows

_Because I was a terrible person on Tumblr today, I shall be a good soul and put this here._

_Prompt: Palinoia : The obsessive repetition of an act until it is perfected or mastered._

_Gail Peck, scribbling and of course tearing away at a notepad_.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Holly, I think on some level I've always known that it was you I've been waiting for all my life. No, too clichéd.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Holly, I love you and this is the happiest I've ever been. Except when I'm eating donuts.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Holly, WHY IS THIS SO HARD YOU'RE MARRYING ME ANYWAY DO WE REALLY NEED VOWS.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Holly Stewart, I have no idea why you're marrying me, but please, do.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Holly, how am I supposed to write everything I feel about you in a piece of paper, you're insane. Remember the first time you called me that?You called me insane, after you leant in and gave me the slightest of kisses. Look where that's lead me to.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Holly Stewart, I know you're not going to leave me here if these vows are bad so can we just get on with the ceremony?

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

_Ok I've got to get this written NOW!_

Holly, I love you. There I think that should suffice!

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Holly, I don't think I could ever find the words to say how much you mean to me. I thereby declare this whole exercise pointless.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Holly Stewart - you barged right into my crime scene - and into my heart. OH GOD I should become a writer for all those stupid rom-coms out there.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Holly, there are many things I adore about you. But I'm not going to tell everyone here all the things I do, because what kind of badass does that.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

_Ok, enough goofing around, this is it._

Holly, I know I should love you for the sweet, amazing, caring person you are. But that's why everyone loves you. WHY IS THIS SO HARD.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Holly, sweetheart please.

JUST MARRY ME ALREADY.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Holly, you're marrying Wonder Woman here. I think you should be doing the vows. I know, I know your reply to that would be - if I'm Wonder Woman writing my vows shouldn't be too difficult.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

_Ok, this notepad is getting thinner._

Holly, never have I struggled this much with words. Not counting all those moans in bed, of course.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

_All this sounds like a book of one liners about us HOL!_

Holly, I've been going at this for 2 hours and I don't think I can ever come up with something perfect enough to say how much I love you.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

Holly Stewart, you are perfection. Never in my wildest dreams would I have dreamt of even daring to love someone as you. And if the hardest thing I've ever done is writing these vows about how much I love you – that makes me the luckiest person ever. NO THIS ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

_You're the most precious thing to me Hol,_

Holly, I can't really explain how much I love you, but I'll tell you this – you're the most precious thing to me. And I can't wait for tomorrow, and the day after that, till forever after, as your wife, who hereby vows to love you no matter how many batting cages you drag me to, because you're the single most amazing thing that's happened to me, and I'm never going to let you go.


	11. So come on

_This is for someone's Birthday! Glad you liked it!_

This is torture. This is absolute torture. You're sitting here, on the sidelines, gripping the edge of the bench as tight as you can, your gaze never leaving her. There she is, dancing, to songs you would have loved to dance with her yourself (not that you know to dance) but you can't really do that now, can you? You had never even spoken to her, let alone dance with her. And you're kind of cursing her for putting the idea in your head.

She's holding which ever idiot she's dancing with close, his back's towards you - and you can see her looking at you, longingly, as if willing you to walk over there and break them up and dance with her. Yeah, right. The twisted ways your mind works.

It all started with little glances in the hallway, slight nods in the cafeteria, and here it's turned to lustful longing at you.

Then again - you aren't going to do anything. You're just going to sit here, and wait for ten minutes - till it was decent time enough for you to get back home and tell your parents that this whole dance was a bore. So, ten minutes. That's all you have to get yourself through.

Which had always been such a breeze. You've never looked at the other students dancing, wishing to be one of them. Even right now, you don't want to dance for the sake of being left out. You wanna dance with her because she looks utterly gorgeous, and no-one in the room can come close to her, and you want to make sure she knows that.

She's eyeing you with those icy blue eyes, and you're quite close to drooling at her.

Of course, you're the school dork, no-one's given you a second glance. You push back your glasses on your face and try to shake it off. What's wrong with you? You were fine till last year's dance. You weren't leering after anyone. Especially someone who looked and behaved like a spoilt princess. Making you - not surprisingly - the stable boy in this tale.

Whoever she's dancing with moves his hand to her waist, a move you note very carefully - and it feels like someone's eating your heart. But you have no right to feel like this. She was no better than a stranger, she had no idea who you were. That's all you were. Two strangers in a school, you had never shared a word. You were the nerd, she the unattainable beaut. Very nice situation you find yourself in.

You think back to all those glances in the hallway, the way she was constantly surrounded with students - the most popular ones, all of whom were fawning over her to get a minute of her attention. No way were you going to get the Queen of the popular kids. Except sometimes you really doubted if she liked her own fame. People did crowd around her, but it was more out of the urge to be cool than to actually be her friend. And you wondered about that - whether she was truly loved by the people that constantly flocked to her.

Seven minutes to go, and you're going mad. You haven't stopped staring at her, and she hasn't stopped looking at you either. It's as if you both know it's the two of you who's supposed to be dancing together.

Six minutes to go, and you realize you can't make it through six more minutes of this painful endeavor. You look away from her, and fix your gaze on the wood covering the floor. Not so painful now. You're shuffling your feet and willing the time to go faster.

Your grip on the bench hasn't reduced at all, when you feel a hand grab your arm and drag you up. You immediately see it's her, and you're presumably going to trip over in surprise. She's strong and wiry - and now she's pulling you to the dance floor. And you have no idea how to react, so you let her drag you. Wet Wet Wet's Love is all around us has just begun to play – and after stopping at the middle of the whole dance area, she leans into you, resting her head on your shoulder, with her arms tight around your waist. You hope she can't feel your heart thumping away, and after fumbling with your hands for a moment you wrap them around her. She's moving slowly to the beat of the song, effectively making you dance as well. You don't want to think about it. You're young, and supposed to be wild. Let this be the tale were you danced with the prettiest girl at school by not even asking her. The little sequins in her dress poke you in awkward places - but you don't care. Everyone else on the floor is staring at the two of you - but you don't care. She's here, in your arms - and tonight is a fairytale.

After about ten minutes of dancing, you manage to get your nerves to calm down a bit.

"You look gorgeous tonight." you whisper in her ear, hoping you don't sound too much like the nerdy, easily excited teenager you are.

She just tightens her grip on you and you know she's heard you. And you also realize another thing.

Whatever she does, This girl is going to drive you mad.


	12. You are all in for a world of hurt

_Prompt: Gail's gruesome death in Holly's arms._

_WELL First off - I'm sure the lot of you have scampered off reading that message so there's that._

_Set after zhe whole 'Good night Gail' episode. (5X07 was it?). I seem to be obsessed with the Gail's POV thing. Sorry. And of course no freaking idea if all this is medically feasible._

_Now - let's set the angst at max shall we._

_As for the elaborate plan I've written here - y'all should be grateful I'm not a super villain._

* * *

Riding out with Chloe. _There are much less painful ways to die,_ you roll your eyes as Chloe keeps pestering the you with all sorts of questions. You long ago learnt that Chloe was literally immune to your sarcasm, and the best way to deal with her was to either give her what she wanted or to ignore her completely. And you opt for the latter today. Chloe could be asking you for all the ways you've dreamt off strangling her - but you've tuned her out. The previous evening at the precinct is on replay in your mind, and never would you have imagined yourself on the other side of the equation. It was usually you who kept people on their toes, and you're clearly not used to this.

The words "Good night, Gail." are on loop in your head, those eyes that were trying so hard to be strong and not cave in boring right through you.

_Ugh, why am I such a snappy idiot._

"It's a double murder" Chloe chirps in glee as the two of you step out of the squad car and you really wonder if she's morbid or just exceptionally happy about two murders.

The crime scene is on the ground floor of this dilapidated gloomy building, the walls actually look like they're going to swallow you whole.

_This doesn't seem to be my day._

Making your way through the dark wet walkways to the scene, the sight of someone's hair done up neatly in a pony-tail catches you, and you immediately stop and think to turn around and decide perhaps outside would be a better place to wait. Chloe's the one who's right behind you, and rather than answer her badgering queries of 'What's wrong?' you decide that perhaps facing Holly after the previous evening would be a better option.

Making your way back to the crime scene, sure enough there's yellow tape all over the place, officers and detectives all causing quite a bit of bustle in the tiny room. You aren't avoiding her, you tell yourself as you carefully make sure she doesn't catch sight of you. Sure enough, after a while - all the officers on scene make their way back to the precinct to get on with catching the you're about to get away with it - when Sam pulls you back and tells you to keep Holly and her team company as they collect evidence.

_Getting tased in the eye would hurt less_, you internally groan as you begrudgingly walk back to the crime scene, where Holly's doing all sorts of things. Chloe's outside where the rest of Holly's team - which consisted of three rather puny nerd assistants collecting all sorts of samples of – _Wallpaint_? You're supposed to make sure she makes it out of her alive, that's your job for now.

Holly of course is rambling to herself, going over various details of the bloody corpses as you try to find any clue that would give any answers to who did this. It all seemed to elaborate to simply be a break-in gone wrong. The victim's faces were so distorted with their skin almost falling off their faces - it's a gruesome sight indeed - and you can't understand how Holly's still leaning over the body and trying to figure out what it was that killed them.

You also realize you've never seen Holly at work - save the first day you met her. She went about picking clues in dead bodies with the joy of a five year old at the candy store. And your presence at the scene hasn't fazed her a bit - she seems to have decided to ignore you as much as you've ignored her. She's diligently working through her various tests, concentrating purely on the task at hand and not caring much about your gawking at her.

You're properly looking at her like a puppy dog, craving for some smidgen of attention - and she doesn't look like she's going to budge.

_This day just keeps getting better._

Deciding to snoop around a bit, rummaging through loft, cupboards and cabinets in the inner rooms that are already falling off their hinges, you come across this huge glass bottle, which seems to be empty but gives out this almost nauseating stench. The whole drain-cleaner-on-your-arm incident left you a bit weary of liquids you didn't know much about - so you decide to swallow your pride and call Holly over to check if she could figure out what it was. You're sure it's some sort of acid - and the nerd that Holly is - she would probably take a whiff of the thing and identify it. She doesn't ignore you - of course she wouldn't do that - she's a professional in all those matters - but you can notice that she's a tad warmer than she was yesterday with the 'thumb' scenario. Perhaps if you kept up the puppy looks - maybe you could get back together with her.

She picks up the jar - and the minute she does - you notice it's rigged to something and before you can warn her - the walls cave in from an explosion. After getting up off the floor after rather muted sound of explosion - you notice is that the two of you are sort of shut in this tiny room, and the glass - now broken besides Holly's feet. The explosion was apparently to kill whoever moved the bottle - but because of the awkward angle - all that it's done is effectively seal the room off, leaving the two of you all alone in this tiny room.

_Terrific._

Holly's flustered, considerably and you're alert as well. Your radio is sqwaking with static signals, all which are incomplete. You grab it and try to send a signal but of no avail. All that's left is this tiny window through which no one can crawl through - and you the two of look at each other before realizing there's only one way out of here.

Sure enough - the two of you are screaming on the top of your lungs - hoping someone would hear you and atleast reassure you help was on the way. After ten minutes of screaming with no outcome, the two of you give up. You fall back on the floor or what's remaining of it - and Holly's still trying to do _something_ with the wall. Clearly this particular section of the wall was stronger than the rest.

"It's no point Hol. We've just got to wait."

Soon, she too slides down on to the floor, carefully avoiding the shattered glass. For once, you're thankful that the police uniform is thick as fur. You fumble out your phone and try to call someone and Holly tries to do the 's no signal on either of your phones, which is astonishing because really surprises you. The batteries are fine, yet everytime you try and call someone from your phone it gets cut off.

"It's a signal jammer. It's scrambling and cutting off the signals from here." Holly huffs out, after you've tried to call Sam for the tenth time. Damn it.

You're breathing heavy, panting almost and looking at her - all the memories about yesterday wiped out from your mind. For now - all that's on your mind is to get out of here in one piece.

You both stare at each other in silence and terror - except for the constant static from your radio. You see her fingers are trembling and she's probably going over the periodic table in her head to stop herself from having a full on panic attack. You aren't really sure what to do - _do you comfort her - do you not at all touch her_ \- you barely know anything about her. But you also know that you probably fell in love with her way back at the batting cages - she with her adorkably cute attempt to get you to try sports.

Slowly she lowers her head onto your shoulder, trembling and at this rate she's probably going to have a fit. You grab her as tight as you can and hold her close and she curls up to you, her fingers almost white with the grip she's got on your shirt. You've barely managed to keep yourself calm but seeing her really shaken up you push that to a corner of your mind - and try to calm her down. You have no idea what you're saying, as long as it's words in a soft tone and it seems to be working on her.

_Strike out Comforted a loved one from my bucket list._

After what feels like ages, she calms down now she's still, and you go over all that happened between the two of you in this short span. Or rather the mistakes you made in such a short time. Perhaps this was the universe telling you that this was a great time to have a conversation.

_In a crumbling building with damp walls. Wow._

"I'm sorry about the whole tase myself in the eye comment." you start, well that's a good start. Apologizing for being an ass. That's a first as well.

"Should have warned you about Lisa. The whole cat in a tree metaphor really went over my head I guess." she replies, still not letting go of you. This feels nice. Maybe today wasn't all that bad.

Silence again, and it stuns you. Wow - if only you had had this simple conversation a week ago and saved yourself some misery.

"You have no idea how many times I dreamt you would come in to the precinct."

She looks up at you in surprise, _okay you should have kept this to yourself._

"What?"

"You know - hair all lose, holding on to a file and drag me into an interrogation room again - throw me against the wall - yeah - I'll stop at that." you stop, seeing her softly laughing at your little thoughts.

She just shakes her head at you and nuzzles into your shoulder again and you're mentally cursing yourself for telling her all that.

As you're leaning back against the damp wall, you think about the setup here - pressure sensors, signal jammers - acid? This guy was clearly elaborate - surely he would have placed the explosives in such an area that should have killed you two on the spot. But he didn't. Why would he -

Before you can finish that though - you notice a slight flicker through the tiny window. Too late really because the minute you crane your neck to just see what it is - something nicks you on the right side of your neck. Thankfully, Holly was on your left.

_Mother of God!_

She's looks up from your chest and shrieks, and you can feel the warm blood just pouring down your neck and down your collar, and she's pressing her hand firmly against your neck, as if to stop the bleeding, but it doesn't seem to help much, it's only making it hurt more.

Your thoughts are jumbled, and you're trying to say something but you can't. Your energy is just draining, you can see she's yelling at you but you can't hear a thing.

_Worst day ever._

You're trying to tell her - that she shouldn't be yelling, whoever it was could come back and shoot her as well, that you love her and hate that you were an idiot thus far. But you can feel all the warmth slipping from your fingers.

_You're the only thing that's right in all I've done Hol._

It's all slowly fading to dark.


	13. Faded 2

_This relates to Chapter 5 of this same fic - titled Faded._

The clock's inching towards midnight, and you're just sitting on the bed, staring at it. You could say you have recovered a bit, it's been 4 months after all. You've changed the sheets, managed to get rid of most of Gail's stuff you were willing to part with. Everything's quite different now. And

yet - you're clinging to past, and though you have accustomed yourself to the fact that she won't ever walk through that door again, there's this tiny little part of you that blatantly refuses to believe anything but. You're able to function a bit, you could manage work and all that - but life seems dull now. Colorless, drab. You were just existing, waiting, as if for her to come back.

_Let me be, just this one day._

It's five to midnight, and you're excited slightly. After all, in five minutes it is your birthday. And for this five minutes, you think back to last year. Gail Peck, as much as she was the hater of all things sappy, was willing to go to long lengths just to make you smile. Even if that meant going against her very strong ideals of all things badass and hardcore.

For your birthday last year, she first pretended she had no idea that the next day was your birthday and dragged you to this very bed, and after making sure you fell asleep completely naked, woke you rather shyly up at midnight with a little gift of her own. And you loved it. If you closed your eyes for just a minute - it was last year all over again.

You could feel her body pressing against yours, hugging you tight and pressing her lips against yours gently to slowly wake you up. You woke up to see those blue eyes looking at you with adoration and love, and a hint of pride too. Then of course, after barely waking you up, she kissed her way down, and if her soft touch wasn't enough to wake you up, what followed most certainly was. After leaving you panting and clutching the sheets tight, she softly whispered the words you can still hear now.

"Happy Birthday Lunchbox."

You snap out of that daydream and see it's exactly midnight and you're excited. For a rather awkward reason.

You had found this wrapped up present in her wardrobe while clearing them out, and being a little unreasonable - you assume it's your birthday gift and had decided to wait till this day to open it up.

It's quite unreasonable because the gift didn't have a tag on it, and there's every chance it wasn't meant for you, but you like to think it was. It's a rather average sized box, wrapped up in shiny paper - just waiting for you to open it. And it's midnight - the minute you've been waiting for ever since you found the box, but you're staring at the box, which you had kept next to the bed.

You don't want to open it, what if it's the last thing you ever got from her, what if you soon forgot her, what if it all just faded away - and you think about it for a minute longer, suddenly wishing your birthday was farther away - so that you could live on with this hope that you're yet to get something from her.

Then there's this other part of you that wants to know what's in the box, and end the mystery. You know you're going to tear it open anyway - so you just take a minute to accept that this maybe your last gift ever.

Which with that air of finality - sounds really depressing.

You think back to last year - when she oh so sweetly handed you your present - and started to go off into this huge explanation of why she didn't know what to get because you probably had everything you could want. But you loved the way she elaborately thought out her present, making sure to get you something you never had and never knew you wanted till she gifted it to you. That was the kind of person Gail was. (You're used to the past tense now, doesn't make it any less painful though.)

Finally, you give in and tear open the box, and inside it you find a rather goofy looking sweater and a card. Seeing the card, it guts you real hard that the present wasn't actually meant for you.

_Happy Birthday Steven , I'm obviously too awesome to call you, thus the card. And stop being idiot over Traci. Holly's the best thing that's happened to me so shut up and beg on your knees. Let that be a present to yourself._

_Ps. For my birthday, I'd like a picture in the given sweater. It's the least you could do. _

It made sense really, Steve's birthday was way before yours, and thinking that she ought to have gotten you a present 5 months ago does seem a bit too much. You don't want to take out the sweater, now knowing it's not for you - so you stuff it back the best you can in the box, and place it right next to your bed. You're still holding the card though, and after settling into bed, hugging her old pillow tight, you re-read the card over and over. It's not the most you expected for your birthday, but it's something.

You suddenly wake up, not a surprising deal for you. You have been having rather fitful nights - you woke up at odd times at night, and went back to sleep at even odder times. It was becoming a habit of sorts. You see that all the lights are still on and you're still holding the card that's meant for Steve. After reading it over a couple of times, you stuff it back in the box and decide to get up and go to the balcony, and perhaps some cool night air would help. It's way too early in the morning though, and it is a rather cold day indeed, but you don't really think much about that until after you're on the balcony. But it doesn't take long for the thoughts you had been pushing down for so long to spring back up.

You give up and go back inside after five minutes of braving the cold, falling back on your bed again, reality really hitting you hard, as your thoughts are rather someplace else.

What you're going over in your mind isn't something Gail said, but something your father said a few weeks ago, and though it didn't feel like much when he said it, (probably because you were too distracted to even process what it meant), you're going over it now, and it hurts. It does. The never-ending questions of what could have been really feels like something's clenching your heart and for some reason, you just want to hear the words, just to reassure yourself.

Not even noticing the time,you call up your father, not caring that it's four a.m. in the morning on your birthday.

"Holly? You Okay?"

"What did she say?" you ask, not really caring for how you come across.

"Holly. It's your birthday sweetie, you shouldn't be -"

"Dad!" you snap at him. You know you shouldn't, but you're struggling yourself. You can hear him sigh over the phone, and you probably should have waited till a bit later instead.

"She said, 'I love your daughter and I intend to marry her someday.' "

You don't even notice you've slid down to the floor, next to the unwrapped present, and looking at the card right now.

"Holly? You there?"

"I think she was going to propose to me today." you muse.

"I wish she had told me if that was her plan Holly." he replies over the phone and you don't know what to say to that. You're just breathing softly, dreaming all sorts of scenarios which aren't going to happen ever.

"Are you alone there Holly? Do you want me to come over or -"

You spend the next four minutes reassuring your father that you were fine and were going to see him later that day. After finishing that call, you're leaning against the side of the bed, sitting on the floor and staring at that box. It was your fault for expecting a present from her. You really just wanted this one day to be better.

Steve's really surprised to see you, probably because you're here outside his house at half past six in the morning. After staring at the box long enough you think it's time for the present to reach it's true recipient. So, here you can't say much, you just shove the box into his hands and say: "This is for you."

You just want to leave, but instead you just slowly sit down on the little step outside, watching him open the present and read the card. He's heart-broken seeing the card and he sits down next to you, holding the sweater in one hand and the card in the other.

"I'm sorry I opened it - I thought it was for me."

He nods, understanding that you hadn't meant to actually open it.

"She had to be the hero." he sighs, and you know he misses Gail as well. He has been quite subdued for a while as well.

You nod in agreement, wishing for once she wasn't the hero, and was still alive.


	14. Faded One point five

_THIS IS FADED PART 1.5 DO I MAKE SENSE?_

"What do you miss the most about Gail?" you remember Lisa slurring, as she downed the last of her umpteenth drink. Something interrupted you and your drunk lot of friends at the moment - so thankfully you didn't have to reply to that. But you're back home now, the buzz slightly wearing off, the silence killing you and you all alone in the house - gets you thinking. You can't remember what led to that question - you don't care what happened after - all that's playing over in your head is the question - _What do you miss the most about Gail?_

It's a stupid question really - you miss Gail! What the hell were you supposed to say beyond that? You miss the way she always slept longer than you did, more often than not curled up like a cat? You miss the way she could come up with wry comments at the drop of the hat?

Or are you supposed to miss the way she always took pride in you - always showing you off to her friends? The way she constantly looked after you and treated you like a princess in comparison to the rest of her friends? What are you supposed to answer that question with? You miss the sight of her blonde unkempt hair? Her scent? Her intense blue eyes? What?

You've driven your brain to overdrive now - and in order to just simmer down a bit - you clear up your room a little and after deciding you've done that enough - fall back on the bed and stare at the ceiling - trying to quiet your drunk and overthinking brain.

A better question would have been what you hate about everything that happened. That was a long list, but at the least - a better question.

_What do you hate about circumstances?_ The usual of course, what everyone else who deals with loss hates. The fact that the woman you're in love with is no longer in your arms, the fact that you were going to have to wake up everyday for the rest of your life without seeing her next to you. Those were sort of - expected? Those are the normal things everyone who deals with loss go through. You know the five stages of grief. But what you hate the most, what the nerd-which-hates-the-unexpected part of you hates - is the unexpected minute details. No one really mentions the details. At first you're still reeling from the huge loss, you forget to go over the details, but as time goes by - it's the miniscule details that really sting.

The worst of it is - they're all details you never even knew you noticed. Things you picked up subconsciously, things you took for granted when she was there - and now have this chokehold over you. Damn you and your perfect memory - remembering every bit of everything to the last detail. It's frustrating really - when random things like scissors and scotch glasses remind you of her. So frustrating when you're trying to cope with what you've lost, where every freaking thing reminds you of her. The wall? Why does the wall remind you of her? Oh she leant against it once. Your glasses? Why do your glasses remind you of her? Oh she always took them off for you whenever you fell asleep reading. Water? Why does water remind you of her. Why does everything in this damn house remind you of her. Yep, you could say you hate that.

What you really hate about everything though - is how everything is fading away. All the memories, the good times and the bad, everything is slipping away from your grasp. Soon, you wouldn't remember her. Soon, all she'll be is a chapter in your life. And it's happening so fast, you don't want it to happen but it's inevitable - you know one day you'll probably never think of her again and you're terrified that day is approaching.

She always joked about how you walked into her crime scene and turned her life upside down.

You hadn't really expected your life to be turned on it's head when she died.

At the end of the evening, Lisa had told you to get ready to get rid of all of Gail's stuff - and, yep there's no way that was going to happen.

* * *

You're eyeing the empty boxes strewn about the room in distaste. Lisa had come and shoved them in your hand, and you knew why. You were supposed to pack all of Gail's stuff 2 weeks ago, and you hadn't. So you assume your friends voted for Lisa on the 'Get Holly to pack away Gail's stuff.' plan. Except that you're adamant, and you frowned as she shoved them into your hand, saying she would be back in an hour to help you take them to Gail's parents' house. You don't want to do that at all. Doing that would be physically accepting that Gail's dead, and you don't want to do that yet. So, you're sitting on the edge of the bed, wishing the boxes would disappear. Lisa made out the whole deed as some chore you had to do and get done with, but you see it as much more. You know its way more than just packing clothes. It meant that you would be giving up the last bit of Gail you've clung on to for so long. And you're not ready for that. So here you are, having a staring competition with the boxes.

You hadn't even opened Gail's closet since the whole incident. You didn't dare open her half of the wardrobe. You felt that if you didn't touch it all, maybe Gail would come back, take out her pull-overs and wear them just as she always did. That notion may have come to you when your logical reasoning was clouded with pain and misery. It's been quite a while now. And the sane part of your mind accepts that your girlfriend isn't coming back now.

You look at the doors of her wardrobe and think perhaps it's time you open it and begin to accept in your conscious that she isn't coming back. Scared of disrupting anything, you slowly pull open the double doors of the wardrobe and take in a deep breath. Ok, that wasn't too hard. You've opened it. No harm done. You decide that's enough for today, and you could deal with Lisa later, you're about to close the doors again, when you see her leather jacket hanging on the door. You're immediately reminded of all the times she wore it. Gail did fancy herself a hot stud with the short ruffled hair and the jacket, and you can't deny she could damn well pull it off. You slowly take it off the hanger and clench it with your hands, the leather feeling smooth under your palms. You remember playing with the lapels of the jacket whenever you spoke to her, and you loved how she never said anything about it. Gail Peck - the hater of all things touchy-feely never said a word against you playing with her jacket and you really loved that about her. It made it feel like she was yours. Was.

You throw the jacket on the bed and start searching through the clothes there, and the more you find, the more you realize there's no way in hell you're going to pack all this now. This white and black striped sweater she wore when she was glaring you down at the bar, the night before Ford? Those jeans which she always wore, those jeans which you loved pulling off her legs? The black pullover she wore when she cut her hair? Her favorite T she slept in almost every night? Nope, no way you're going to pack them all now. Soon, your bed is covered in all of her clothes, and you're still digging through the closet. Carefully hidden under old clothes you find a pack of cheese puffs and you laugh. You didn't mind the snack that much, but then again, Gail was actually capable of eating the damned things for 3 meals a day. You throw that on the bed as well, and you realize you've cleared out half the cupboard on to your bed; you might as well clear it all.

You find a box of random odds and ends Gail had brought over when she moved in. You find her old Walkman-player and laugh. You remember making fun of her for actually keeping one for so long, but she pushed the box to the back of the cupboard and said she would definitely listen to music on it again. You were sure it was just something Gail didn't want to get rid of, and now - you don't want to get rid of it. You open the player and see there's already a CD inside. You get up and hunt about for some batteries, and that takes you a while, the whole house has been a mess for quite some time now, and when you finally find them, you fit them in the player and press Play.

It's sounds a lot like grunge, heavy on the guitar, with a fast beat, and you aren't sure what song it is, but it certainly sounds like something a young rebel Gail would have enjoyed. You catch the words 'Teenage Riot' somewhere in the lyrics and smile, yup - this was most definitely Gail's music, and you fall back into the bed, not caring that you're falling on her clothes, letting the music wash over everything you're feeling right now. The song ends, and the next one starts. It's slow, melodic even, and you're surprised. Teenage rebel Gail listening to something this slow? The lyrics fall on your ears, and you immediately search for her leather jacket, and clutch it tightly.

The song breaks into the chorus, and you're can feel a tear running down your face and on to the leather, as you hold it close to your face and curl up. The lyrics really hit close to home.

_'What to say, to make you come again._

_Come back to me again, and play your sad guitar.'_

_Don't you remember you told me you love me baby…_

It feels as if she meant for you to find her Walkman, with that CD already in there, to play this song. If this was Gail talking to you from the beyond, you were going to take it.

Each time the song ends, you desperately press rewind and play it over and over again.

This is precisely how Lisa finds you, and you glare at her - and she knows she's lost.

You're definitely not getting rid of anything.

Superstar has immediately become your favorite song now, unsurprisingly. Lisa had given up after you yelled her out of your home. You may have been a little rude, blaming her for the riff between you and Gail all those months ago and that's enough to make her scamper off and leave you

alone. Gail's stuff is scattered all over the floor, you're rummaging through all of it. Stuff she had casually shoved into the depths of the cupboard, hoping you'll never look at them, at the same time too close to her heart to let go. You find quite a lot of stuff there - stacks of CD's, worn out

books, year books, random diaries, all of which you're devouring.

Holding on to a diary - you're kinda glad you're going through all this stuff. At least it meant she would be alive in your memories longer.


	15. Angel

_This is off a prompt or in reply to a prompt that I supposed would be a good addition to this..._

_Is this feasible I DON'T KNOW I SHOULD REALLY LEARN TO LOOK UP THIS STUFF._

You know very well all he wants to do is go back home. But this was something that had to be done. So here you are, with Holly - walking to the little ice-cream parlour next to the park - hoping for the best. You don't want to hurt your son - and you know he absolutely hates going to places he hasn't been to before - but at the same time - you don't want him to grow up stuck in a place because he was too afraid of going out.

The day you and Holly learnt he was autistic was a day you can't put in words. For some reason - getting that news from the specialist had only made you love your son more – something that had been almost impossible till that moment. Holly had taught you everything she could about this, and you educated yourself with as much information as you could. Your son wasn't dumb, he wasn't violent or cruel- on the contrary - he was an angel, an absolute angel. Sure, he had his odd habits - things that had taken even you and your rather observant mind a while to grasp. But once you did - you had absolutely no qualms bending over backwards just so your little guy could be happy.

You know he needs to hold on to your sleeve whenever you take him to school and you don't care you haven't worn something that wasn't full-sleeved at all. You know he needs Holly to precisely tuck him in at night, and only she could read to him. And you were - under no circumstances allowed to touch his Lego Bricks.

All this wasn't easy to learn. The first time you and Holly had dressed him up for school - he had sat adamantly in his chair, an uncomfortable frown fixed on his face, fidgeting nervously. It had taken both you and Holly, sitting on the floor - almost begging him to say what was wrong. After about fifteen minutes of questions about each and every part of his attire - all which were met with no response - he finally pointed to his socks and you both rushed to pull it off him. You could make out the faint relief in his face as you pulled it off - and it was breaking your heart to see him struggle so badly with this. At last - he pointed to his left foot and the sock you removed from his right leg and you know it took you and Holly all your strength to not burst into tears as you switched the socks. Ever since - every day you both had to ask him which sock he preferred on which foot.

Right now - you're both here because he had a school outing the next day - and the two of you want to make sure he is ready to go to a new place. So you had pulled on your long sleeved pullover, which he held on to tight as you both walked to the far end of the park, sitting in this rather unfamiliar ice cream parlour.

He's clutching your sleeve, looking desperately at Holly as you both wait with bated breaths for the ice creams to arrive. You know very well how the last time ended - he had refused to go to eat anything, couldn't go to sleep at all and in the end had fallen asleep clutching your arm in front of the television. This was the school's third outing - he had staunchly refused the first two - and you both knew this wasn't good for him.

Finally the ice-cream sundaes arrive and you can almost feel him beginning to try.

The two of you are hardly touching your own ice-creams - waiting with bated breath as he slowly reaches for a spoonful of the ice cream. As he finally brings it to his mouth you can see the tears in your wife's eyes and it's hard not to cry yourself. You can't even fathom how difficult that must have been for him, and finally winning him over after the past failures is such a huge relief to the two of you.

Sure, once he realizes it's ice cream - he devours the whole thing rather quickly and is looking up at you, hoping you would give him some more. Holly doesn't even object that it's way more than he's supposed to eat - and you readily give up your sundae.

After all, he's your Angel.


	16. Faded two point five

_I put what I like here. The prompt given to me was - Open this letter when you can't sleep. I tweaked it a bit._

_Consider yourself warned. _

Gail,

I thought people romanticize the unnecessary. In my head, there never was any allure to save up old movie stubs and go ice skating. It was all dull, simple, predictable. I had my own idea of love - it wasn't something I ever thought I'd find - but it was fun playing with my fantasies, dreaming up scenarios where I'd meet my version of the perfect woman and I would be head over heels in love with her.

That's how I used to put myself to sleep. Dreaming blissfully of coming across the girl of my dreams and falling hopelessly in love with her. I never pictured an actual person - but just someone. Someone who would be freakishly cute in love with me, someone who would play with my hair before falling asleep herself, someone who would have this soft spot only for me and our kids. I dreamt a lot - built plenty of castles in the air, painted beautiful scenarios in my imagination - I had everything down to the very last detail - the color of the bed sheets, the soft silence hugging us, I was a very vivid imaginer I'd say.

And then I met you, rather stumbled across you in a crime scene. Can I just say you were nowhere close to the woman of my dreams. (Well, for starters - the woman of my dreams would definitely know how to swing a bat.)

So, let me clarify that I didn't know that I would fall in love with you. But I did. And I don't regret it Gail. One day I woke up before you did and thought - this was nothing like I dreamed it would be like, but everything I wanted it to be. This was it - bliss.

I still remember every minute of that morning, Gail - us sipping coffee in bed, me trying to read the paper while you got in your head to jibe at every headline you found. I don't know how you did it but you made reading the paper hilarious. Were you doing that just to make me laugh? I'd like to think so.

And that's when I realized - we don't romanticize the unnecessary. We romanticize what makes us feel loved.

I still think of that morning whenever I can't sleep at night - I don't know why it just pops into my head. When I close my eyes and try to get to sleep - I am back there again - in that morning, feeling the mild heat of the morning air brush away the night's chillness, you resting your head on my shoulder begging me to put the paper away and me being stubborn and warning you that we were going to be late to work, you pouting and deciding to take over the role of satirical newsreader for the morning. I can picture it all - you in your little shorts grabbing the paper and getting up to stand at the foot of the bed, reading the paper out loud in the most droll way ever, while I laughed and drank my coffee. It was a passing moment in our lives, but a memory that sticks out in my mind.

I wish I had been late to work that day. There's a regret for you.

There are some nights even that memory doesn't help me get to sleep Gail. And I hate you for it. Because ever since you died, I can't go back to those childish fantasies of mine - those little scenarios I dreamt up with a mysterious someone. Don't even think about asking why. You absolutely ruined me, Gail Peck. You should know that.

There are some nights I really wish you were here, you know. Is it too much to ask to have you in my arms again?


	17. Feels like I only go backwards, baby

The silence is soul-crushing. The television is too bland a distraction - you've muted it while staring emptily. Life back here - it's too dull, too depressing. It's hard getting used to - after all the bustle and noise of meaningless interaction, snappy music and fake smiles - this silence isn't very friendly. Besides - you aren't drunk enough for this.

This wasn't a choice - you know that very well. You were cornered back to this hell-hole – a place you once thought you had left forever. How naive were you then.

Flipping through the channels with the TV muted though - it's oddly satisfying. You aren't even paying attention to what's coming on - just blindly pressing the button - willing the time by - till you catch your own face on T.V.

_Reruns. Again. _

So what you played the country's sweetheart on television a year ago? People change. Fans are fickle. A new year - a new heartthrob. It's just the way things are.

You hadn't expected that to change Nick though.

Were you a fool for not following the old adage - Never marry your manager? It didn't seem so foolish when he was showering you with contracts, when you were the darling of the television scene of course. He was a good man - a little too business minded but still good. Besides - you didn't want to end up a lonely superstar with no love - so things were rushed. You really didn't expect him to move on to the next best thing once it arrived.

Oh but he had. Without divorcing you. You can still remember him clearly - talking fast and without a flicker of emotion - saying it would be too bad for business, and if you did desperately need the divorce – you would have to fire him as well.

Now, that wasn't going to happen now, was it?

Nick was your only chance at getting back in the spotlight - not that he cared for you anymore. But that was how things went in the entertainment business.

Long story short - you left Nick to his devices and his mansion, came back to the one city you called home five weeks ago.- not exactly sure of what to do.

Watching you deliver some snarky double entendre dialogue as Bridget Whitmore to a rather nervous side actor - you can't help but sigh.

You don't know what to do now either.

* * *

It's been a hot day. This town is too bloody hot to exist in during the day. You've stared at the computer for two hours in impatience till finally your junior engineer mailed you the plans, bill of materials, shipment orders for the site. And by the time you actually set out to the field - it's too dark to do anything productive. It would have been a really good day too - if you weren't the 'let's get this ordeal over with' type.

You - of all the design engineers of the company - were sent out to this town - also dubbed as 'The Middle of Nowhere' to coordinate work at the site. You never really warmed up to the idea - but then you never really cared for it.

Now that you're here – you're revaluating your life choices. You - Holly Stewart were sent here. You can't really begin to comprehend it. Surely you were better than this - overseeing a bunch of grumpy men to work. The company which had this twisted way with words, spelt it to you as 'The only one fit for the job.'

Out here in this place - it feels like you were the only one mad enough.

Sure, you've got a few colleagues accompanying you here - you've got all the time in the world, but for now - you really just want to get back home. Get back to home and that endless line of women waiting for you back there. You were the heartthrob over there and women were queuing up, dying to get a taste of you. Quite a shame that you had to leave – but that was only temporary. You've got to grit your teeth for four weeks here – till you could get back to your version of 'normal' life.

Now, sitting at the quiet end of the bar, you're kicking back your third beer with distaste.

_Even the beer sucks here. _

A cursory glance at the patrons of the bar and you're surprised the beer hasn't killed you yet. It's a sober gathering - if you didn't know better you would have assumed it was a mourning session. Not a pretty girl in sight. The depressing music isn't helping either. All that you could find were drunk men sighing and gabbing about the day. Another minute in this bar and you would have probably stabbed a fork in your eye.

_Think about the freaks who want to build apartments in this town._

That's till you see her walk in.

For a minute - you can't believe it's her - Gail Peck? In a rundown town like this?

You're probably dreaming. You've got mirages in a bar now. Terrific.

For a minute - for a full minute you're just staring at her as she approaches the bar and Tame Impala's _Feels Like We Only Go Backwards_ comes on the pathetic stereo system. The crashing of the drums jolts you up - and yep - it's still Gail Peck.

You're rooted to your stool- too excited to move. Your favorite actress just turned up in the last place you could have ever expected. You're cursing yourself for not getting up and rushing to her but you truly can't move. You're screaming, jumping inside but physically – you can't shift at all.

You're probably still staring at her - with the silliest expression ever - presumably as if someone hit you over the head with a crow bar. You see she's looking around the dull bar aimlessly.

_Oh God please look at me_.

She does, sure enough. And you still can't freaking move an inch. Your expression has probably turned to one of surprise - and she just smiles this soft smile back at you.

_Feels like we only go backwards darling_.

"The night has just begun." you tell yourself as you down the rest of the beer and make your way towards her, your feet still wobbly as the music blares on loudly.

* * *

You've lured this Holly Stewart back to your apartment. You don't know why exactly - were you craving a fan who could inflate your rather bruised ego again? Or did you just want someone anyone to talk to instead of holing yourself at home for the night once again?

Whatever it was - something about Ms. Stewart certainly caught your eye.

Holly - boy can she ramble. She's going on and on about how she loved you and your role as Bridget, ratting off your entire dialogue at the drop of a hat. It feels nice hearing someone fawn over you - as they did even six months ago. The reruns of the show are still on in the background - and Holly's going on and on about you and your acting - your subtle gestures, your delicate emoting and you're drinking it all in. Oh if only you could float in this cozy bubble forever and ever.

The two of are on the couch, Holly rather upright and watching the show diligently and you can't deny that it's making you feel better.

And then - the world famous scene comes on. World famous was perhaps an exaggeration - but this was the scene that shot you right to the middle of the limelight. This scene where you - in tight leather pants and a black leather jacket backed a nervous brunette into a wall and kissed her passionately - all to the Arctic Monkey's _Arabella_ on the background.

Holly's going on and on about how that was the perfect song for the moment - with this undertone of sex coupled with no inhibitions. You would have laughed at that. You had always thought the song rather tacky for the scenario - not that it mattered to the directors. You had suggested a better song but were shot down immediately of course. You had no say about the music of the show. Hearing Holly praise all that assuming to be all you- it gets on your nerves a little. You can't blame her - but you can't help it as it gets on your nerves.

The reruns thankfully end, the TV's turned off and you grab your empty glass and head back to the kitchen to refill your drink. Holly gets up but doesn't follow you – she's still going at fifty miles per hour how she absolutely adored that scene. You really want her to shut up about it - but then - you don't want another night all by yourself so you hold your tongue.

You suddenly hear the tune again - presumably Holly playing it on her phone. So, you decide it's time for a little reenactment. Right now - the voice in your head has shut up and you're looking for fun. Mindless, wild, fun. And Gail Peck always gets whom she wants.

You step back into the living room to see that Holly's there - setting down the phone which is still playing the song. You're lacking the leather outfit right now - you were going to have to improvise on that. As the song flows into to the verse - Holly turns around to see you eyeing her like a piece of meat. Not that she seems to mind. You can see it right in Holly's eyes that she absolutely loves this.

You walk up to her as if you were wearing those leather pants - exactly to the beat of the song and as the song melds into the chorus, you take off your shirt as you saunter over towards her. You were supposed to take off your leather jacket in the script - but this always seemed so much better in your head. The last few paces were perfect - as you back Holly right against the living room wall and press your body as hard you can against her and kiss her hard as the song exploded into the guitar riff.

It doesn't take much to get Holly to make you wrap your legs right around her.

_Just might have tapped into your mind and soul. You can't be sure._

* * *

Did you just sleep with the actress you always fantasized about? The woman who's face always came to you at the height of your emotions? Did that just happen?

Was that even possible? The prospect of it seemed absurd. You can make out the discarded clothes in the faint brightness of the early morning. You're tangled in the sheets, with Gail sleeping right next to you.

You just achieved every fan's ultimate dream. The glee that comes over you is overwhelming. Till another thought strikes you.

What now?

You're visibly stumped at that thought. Gail Peck wasn't exactly a dream partner in real life - snarky, sarcastic and cold. You had read all about it in the magazine columns, you religiously read every bit of information you could find about her. You do feel like kicking yourself for not remembering that this was Gail's hometown.

You turn to see Gail naked and still asleep. You aren't sure of the time - but you know you have to leave. Surely. What else could you do now? What else did you know to do - for that matter.

While trying to maneuver the sheets the best you could without waking Gail - you're still thinking about what happened last night.

_Did Gail go about having one night stands with random fans? That did seem too risqué. Especially since she was married._

And then your mind finally focuses on the last part of that thought train.

You stumble a bit as you realize that, tugging the sheets as you do- effectively waking up Gail.

Gail squints as she pulls herself up, focusing hard on your face.

"I'm sorry - what's your name again?" Gail sleepily mutters as she feels about for the cigarette pack she kept by her bed.

That question was more than enough for you to realize that – No, your favourite actress wasn't in love with you. Damn.

"Holly. Stewart." you mumble as you see her light up a cigarette and offer one to you - which you refuse, of course. You can't deny she looks stunning as she does that - but she also has this air of melancholy tied to her as she shrugs at your refusal.

"Aren't you married?" you ask her, really confused about circumstances. Was it all a dream?

"I wasn't hiding that now, was I?" Gail replies as she huffs out a puff of smoke.

"What are you doing back here?" you question. You're genuinely concerned about this woman. Perhaps this was how celebrities were found dead in the middle of nowhere ten years later.

"The views are to die for, clearly." she smirks, turning to look at the deserted empty land outside. You're genuinely looking at the window - expecting to see some great scenery - till Gail chuckles with the cigarette in her mouth.

"You want the short cover story - or the longer true story?" she asks back, taking the cigarette between her fingers. You really can't help but follow her every action - it's almost a force of habit. You just tilt your head as you eye her - your heart truly going out to her. You can't help but feel guilty that you did forget about her - as soon as the show ended.

"According to a press statement by Nick Collins, my so-called husband - I'm here reconnecting to my roots. Whatever that means." she finishes with a little laugh. You can't see what's so funny about that - in fact you aren't sure what you're doing here.

"What was last night?"

"Last night - was me finding doing something that made me meaninglessly happy - and you doing something you didn't think possible." she says with an air of finality. You absent-mindedly nod as you hear that.

"You want another round?" she asks and you're rather surprisingly self-conscious now.

"No - I've got to head into work early today" you lie as you get off the bed and pick your clothes off the floor.

She shrugs yet again and falls back into the bed, snubbing out the cigarette in the ash tray before her head hits the pillow.

You step out of the room and hurriedly pull your jeans back on, and dress up as fast as you can.

Before you step out of the house- you're sure you can hear a faint "Come back again." as you slam the door rather loudly.

* * *

You spent the whole day at the site completely engrossed with plans of actions and what not - not thinking about what happened last night. The very thought of it made you nervous for some reason. What were you supposed to do now? Go back - see her? Be friends with her? And then what?

All this was too fantastical to be real. You're on an edge - but at the same time tempted to go back. It's not every day that you get to be with actresses you normally dreamt off.

So you lugged a six pack of beer back to her apartment - not really sure what you're going to find there. Something about Gail made her surreal, almost unbelievable. She wasn't wild - but certainly unpredictable. Trying to wrap your head around who Gail actually was tiring during the day. Perhaps tonight would be prove to be a better attempt at that.

When she does open the door, the surprise on her face was genuine. You could make that out. After this morning, she probably assumed that you wouldn't be coming back ever.

"You came back for another round?" she asks in awe, an expression that was rather new.

You just shrug and set the case down barely before she jumps you yet again.

You aren't sure what it is you feel for Gail - it seems to be a twisted mixture of pity and adoration, passion and curiosity. Gail wasn't someone who easily allowed herself to be gauged. You try and shake your thoughts - hoping that helps. You realize you're not on the bed as you pull yourself up from the couch, she's sitting up at the other end of it - smoking again, looking out into the distance.

You're eyeing her with wonder, how could someone like Gail end up like this alone and without anyone. Had she isolated herself from everyone?

"You could talk instead of staring at me as if I were a freak." Gail sighs without turning to look at you.

You hurry to think of something to talk about - but it is difficult to find common ground with an actress.

"Umm - why did you become an actress?" you stammer, doubtful about what you expect in reply. Gail however snorts and turns to look at you with pitiful look.

"How original." she smiles, shaking her head. Silence then looms over the room.

You can't help notice that the silence is deafening, suffocating. How could anyone live here.

"Why are you still an actress?" you improvise, hoping that's better. Gail does seem impressed at that.

"I don't know, really." she begins. It always feels like she's delivering a line from a script - acting out a scene.

"Not for the fame though, that I can promise you." she finishes looking right in your eye.

_Not for the perks either, clearly._

"Why do you ask?"

"You don't seem very happy about it."

"No one's happy with life choices Holly. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise." she quotes, with finesse that seems superficial, unnecessary even.

* * *

The next few weeks carried on in a similar fashion. Every night was filled with booze, sex and philosophical monologues - courtesy of Gail.

Gail had her penchant for dramatics - always in some sort of character, never really herself.

She had told you about it all - her rushed marriage to Nick, the way he dropped her like a hot potato for the next star Andy - and this being her attempt at distancing herself from the buzz of it all. You had nothing much to tell her about yourself, a senior engineer overseeing site operations at the construction site.

* * *

_"Why did you come here? You could have gone to Paris, Rome, anywhere you liked really."_

_"I like here Holly. As disturbing as it is to understand - I like it here, with it's gloomy silences and lonely paths."_

_"Hard to believe someone could actually like this place enough to come back to it."_

_"It's a place to call home. Can't explain it more than that."_

* * *

_"Why haven't you divorced him?"_

_"Wow, your memory sucks. As I explained - I would have to fire him for that - "_

_"So what?"_

_"I wouldn't expect you to understand."_

_Gail did occasionally have that condescending tone._

* * *

_"Do you know who I am?"_

_"You don't let other people know, but I think I can make you out."_

_"You're the only one then."_  
_"Glad to hear it."_

* * *

_"Why are you an engineer?"_

_"I thought I was too pretty for television."_

_"I just assumed you were too dumb for television."_

_"Why do you talk like that?"_

_"Like what?"_

_"As if you were acting out a scene."_

_"Maybe I am. Maybe I feel there's this little scriptwriter in my head writing out dialogue for me to act. Doesn't impede life too bad though."_

* * *

_"Were you like this with Nick as well?"_

_"I don't know what I was with Nick. I usually was what people wanted me to be."_

_"People?"_

_"Let's call them people. It's hard to not get suckered into people's idea of you and living up to it."_

_"So, who you were with Nick was basically what Nick wanted you to be?"_

_"That's about right."_

_"What about me?"_

_"You? You're something."_

_"That's reassuring."_

_"I mean - you're not people - but something."_

* * *

_"How long are you going to be here?"_

_"However long it takes for me to feel myself again."_

_"I think that's good."_

_"Oh, that's just posh talk for rehab."_

_"But this isn't rehab."_

_"Not to you it isn't."_

* * *

_"Why do you smoke?"_

_"Why don't you smoke?"_

_"You should try quitting."_

_"You should try smoking."_

* * *

_"What do you hate?"_

_"I hate people."_

_"That's interesting of a simpleton like you."_

_"Hey, I'm no simpleton."_

_"Engineers are simpletons. It's as obvious as the sky is black."_

_"Must you make up whacky dialogue like that."_

_"What's it to you?"_

* * *

_"I hate sitcoms."_

_"Sitcoms? Didn't you act in one?"_

_"I did. And it was the most demeaning thing I ever did. Cheap humour for laughs. Felt like clown on display."_

_"I thought all actresses were clowns on display."_

_"I'm not."_

_"You were an excellent clown."_

_"Praise doesn't make it any less demeaning, but thanks."_

* * *

_"Why isn't an engineer like you married, you should be."_

_"And then what? Sleep around like you do?"_

_"You make sound so rude."_

_"I am not interested in the trope of finding happily ever after."_

_"What trope are you in then?"_

_"Must I be a part of a trope?"_

_"You must be - if you aren't in any trope, well there's a trope for that as well."_

* * *

_"What are we?"_

_"I don't know Gail, I'm sure you can come up with some excellent script for that."_

_"I think we're monologues, that's what we are. Passing, meaningless dialogue to fill in empty gaps so that it's all seamless."_

* * *

It's been four weeks, your time in the middle of nowhere has inevitably come to an end. It's funny when you think of it, because when you got here, you couldn't wait to leave and now that you've met Gail - you don't want to go. But life does go on.

_"Can't you stay longer?"_

_"And what would be the point of that? You're going back to Nick anyway."_

_"What makes you say that?"_

_"You need him. Love him or not - you need him, to get back to acting, to get back to life. As you said, we are these monologues, and after all - how long did you expect it to last."_

_"So is this goodbye?"_

_"I suppose so."_

* * *

It's been three years now, and you aren't sure what to think when you see a message pop up on your screen which reads_ "Care for a monologue?"_


	18. Faded something point something

_Debby darling, why can't we move on._

You don't want to do this, but you know very well you need to. You need to get back to living life just as you used to – even if it's the last thing you want to do. It's a very twisted, gutting emotion - doing something you need to do to tarry on, knowing completely well that the very idea of doing it is so loathsome. Your sanity is hinged on this now meaningless act, and you're aware of it - and there's absolutely nothing that changes the fact that you need it. It's perplexing, worrying even, but the only thing you can do is to tell yourself that this is just one more of the long list of menial tasks you need to accomplish in order to move on.

And that's reason enough for you to give it your bare minimum - you don't worry much if you look good for this date, you don't bother much with your hair or your dress. You're dressed up completely and there's about ten minutes till you should leave to the bar - if you don't want this date to end up like the last five dates you stood up. Lisa's new obsession was to berate you for standing up the most eligible women in town - and perhaps actually turning up to this date would get her off your back.

* * *

Nights with Gail were filled with passion, warmth, heat and laughter. Gail had this way of making you feel loved - you aren't sure how she did it - but she did. In every kiss she laid on your bare body, with every lingering touch - you could feel it and you loved it. It wasn't anything special Gail did - Gail just being Gail - her pouty, adorable self was more than enough to make you feel loved and whenever you were with her - it always felt like your heart was about to burst. It didn't matter if the two of you were in an argument - or in the midst of passionate sex - Gail always brought you to the brink of your emotions, could make you taste every emotion with a simple word or gesture. Gail truly defined who you were, and without her - you're more than lost. You're incomplete - and that's a feeling you can't bear. You just want to feel complete again - for once.

* * *

_You're enjoying this._

The minute you realize this - this intense guilt just engulfs you and you're distracted once again. You shouldn't be enjoying this. This woman was not Gail, that was a given. This Sherri, sitting across from you could never be Gail. For one - her long face with flowing black locks were far from Gail's blonde, short hair. Her deep, lilting voice wasn't anything like Gail's sweet, high marked with sarcasm. This woman wasn't Gail - you are aware of that - never could she make you feel the way Gail did, fill your heart the way Gail did, make you feel genuinely loved the way Gail did, yet you can't deny that this woman was endearing, mesmerizing and amusing in her own right. The Holly you were before Gail would have dated this woman and even gone as far falling for this woman and that fact makes your heart ache. You don't want to fall for anyone else, you aren't falling for this woman right now either - but the possibility that you can twists in your head, and you're distracted, again. For the third time, and this time she catches you.

"Is this okay?" she asks, her brown eyes deeply worried that you aren't enjoying this.

"Yeah! Yeah - I was just thinking about - " you're about to say her name, and you can't bring yourself to do that.

"Someone." you softly finish, quickly taking a sip of your beer.

"Still in love with your ex?" your date jokes, and the words sting rather than amuse you.

_I'll always be in love with her._

"Well, if it helps, this - is supposed to help me get over my ex as well." she laughs, with a smile on her face and a twinkle in her eye.

You simply nod behind your big glass of beer, not sure of what to say to that.

And again, for the third time, an uncomfortable silence overcomes the two of you and you both fiddle with your phones and watch straps till you meet eye to eye.

"So, this can't last. Not when you keep acting that way." you date dejectedly states, looking away and playing with her phone.

"Acting?"

"Acting that you're over your ex. And let's face it - neither of us want this to happen." she explains, before getting up and leaving while you're too stunned to explain what really happened to Gail.

"You're not over you ex either." you stutter.

"There it is. We're both hung up on our exes. Why don't we give this a try when we can at least pretend we're over them. " she smiles and strolls out of the bar, leaving you all alone here, at 7 in the evening.

* * *

How did you end up here in Sherri's bed? You don't remember. Or rather you don't want to remember. Desperation can't explain it completely. Was this your attempt at being your old self again - the promiscuous Holly you once used to be, is she the person you want to be again? You weren't sure half an hour ago - and you aren't sure now either. All that you know is that was the most meaningless sex you've ever had. It had been so silent, serious and quite possibly done with the sole intention of getting over Gail - making it all the more meaningless, drab and at some points painful. You're staring up at the dark ceiling, not thinking about the other woman in bed with you. She shifts a little and you absent-mindedly just turn to look at her - and that somehow reminds you once again that this wasn't Gail. By now, you're on the verge of tears, your heart's beating wildly and you have this urge to scream in agony. If this evening was supposed to help you get over the blonde you had hopelessly fallen in love with - that was the last thing that happened. Instead you ended up longing for Gail, pining for her touch and her soft voice in your ears just once again. And this woman besides you was all the more a reminder that Gail was no longer yours - Gail had died, leaving you all alone here to deal with the loss. Who would have thought your infuriating blonde would prove to be only more infuriating after her death. One thing's for certain, you can't manage another minute here, not without bursting into tears. You silently climb out of the bed and pick up your discarded shirt and wear it on, fumbling in the dark through the new room.

"You alright?" Sherri asks, rather distracted herself.

"Yeah, it's just - I gotta go home." you choke out, somehow voicing the words before rushing right out of the apartment.

* * *

You remember that night in the Penny, the night before Ford, the night Gail was glaring her death glare at you and your date - you don't remember her name and you don't care. What were you thinking that night? You just loved seeing Gail so jealous, sitting there downing drink after drink - utterly confused about what to do. Poor Gail - she genuinely hated that night - she told you that many times later. Gail called it the most tortuous night of her life.

Well, this was the most tortuous night of yours. These memories of Gail kept haunting you - and every time you felt you were forgetting her, that she was fading from your memory - it only guilted you into keeping her in mind.

* * *

The minute you get out of the apartment though - the overwhelming gloom passes, and you're back to feeling the now familiar numbness once again. You drag your feet along the pavement, hoping to get home soon and fall asleep.

Tomorrow's another menial task on the long list.


	19. Wishful Thinking

_Have you moved on Debby? _

Straight girl crushes. Ugh. They're the worst. They truly are. Anyone can argue otherwise - and fail miserably. Nothing can be more gutting than falling head over heels for someone who would never ever consider you - at all. Did you just say fall head over heels? Oh dear, you're too far gone now.

Shaking your thoughts for the sixth time this evening, you try and focus on this biology test tomorrow. Who would have thought a graceful blonde with pale blue eyes could have you distracted from your beloved biology text books - but here you are - drowning in the memory of her eyes looking right at you. Oh the guilty pleasure of remembering that one second she locked eyes with you from across the cafeteria.

It is twisted - these feelings you have for Gail. Ugh her name - Gail. Sounds like heaven rolling off your tongue. Every morning you wake up and there she is - your first thought. Your days don't feel complete without beginning the morning wondering what she is doing right now, hoping she is happy wherever she is.

Psychology describes that any prolonged feelings of 'attraction' longer than six months isn't a crush - its love. Well isn't that just brilliant given you've been obsessed with the blonde for the past year. When did it all start, Ugh you just can't point out. By now - you're sure that 'Ugh' is the sound of all your emotions boiling up over till there is nothing you can do but sigh in disgust at your own self.

The most hilarious part of your so-called love story? Perhaps the fact that Gail had no idea of your existence. Passing glances here and there in the school didn't justify your existence. She has no idea who you are - but you know plenty about Gail. It wasn't stalking. It was something you couldn't help but do - hanging out in random hallways where you had no business just to catch a glimpse of her walking by and feel your heart race, your knees to shake and your whole body tremble with the sheer thrill of just having been so close to her, walking round and round parts of the campus you had never been to before just hoping to see her. Most evenings you spent outside blocks that had nothing to do with your school-work - just wishing and willing Gail would appear out of nowhere. When Gail did appear though - you immediately had a book at your disposal - to pry open and pretend to be indulged in as she sauntered by you. Oh poor you - what made you think you could ever get with the straightest girl ever.

It was a well-known fact in school that Gail dated a college senior - you had seen him yourself whenever you found yourself 'hanging out' in the parking lot, seen the massive six-foot jock she was and had been dating for three years on his motorcycle. From what bits of information you managed to collect without actually interacting with Gail - you had learnt all you could about him. And immediately the mental torture started.

What could Gail possibly see in that jerk (Is he a jerk? You can't really tell.) - surely you were better than that jock. You were certainly the better choice - except for the part of brute force. Surely you were smarter, funnier and most importantly a better person than him. (You don't even know the guy's name - but you're certain that you're the better person.) But what could you do - she had been dating him for three years for some reason surely - not that you can figure that out. Oh how you wish you just whisk her away and give her what she deserved. And what was it she deserved? Well something better.

You do wish this wasn't a battle between him and you - but in your head it is. After your mental simulations of coming out the better suitor for Gail - you immediately depress yourself - suddenly longing for Gail to pick you not for being the better choice but because she genuinely wanted to be yours. And that wasn't going to happen ever - and the vicious circle goes on and on.

When did your every thought began to be of her, when did your brain become so full of her that you forgot your own self - you can't remember at all. Besides does it matter? It was never going to happen. You've started telling yourself that every night before going to bed - only to wake up the next morning with a renewed hope of a probable romance. When were you going to learn - at the end of this you were just going to end up burning yourself. But it didn't matter too much - as long as you could know she was happy. That was your only consolation in this affair.

You know very well your dreams are impossible. The woman you have such an obsession with (obsession seems too light a word) is straight. So straight. Some might even say the archetype of the 'straight girl'. But that doesn't stop you from day-dreaming up your own indie love story with her. One where you love her the way you believe she deserves to be loved, one where you feel complete with her, where every glance at her beautiful face would reassure you every morning etc etc etc.

But was it all worth it? This gut-wrenching feeling that you've slept with for the past year, these impossible dreams you told yourself to get through everyday, this gnawing feeling that everything you're dreaming about was hinged on absolutely nothing - was it all worth it? Well, worth it or not - it's the only way you seem to get through the days.

Against your heart - you desperately wish that these intense feelings - this crush - would just soon fade away - but there is this other doubt in your heart - that one day years from now you would still wake up with this angst in your heart - with the same wonder if she is happy wherever she is, that every love scene you watch in every movie will inevitably lead to you thinking of her, every song you ever heard while thinking of her will forever remind you of Gail. Maybe the intense feelings would pass with time - but this hankering feeling that you perhaps did love her - and she would never know would eat you alive.

Ugh. Like you began – straight girl crushes are the worst.


	20. All Night

Dear Debby,

I don't know what possessed me to write this, but this is solely for you.

A song-fic, dear me where have I gotten myself to.

* * *

_Follow the path that you made through the holes in my chest_

_I found all your pretty things tied into knots where they rest._

Walking into the huge hall, it's a rather stifling feeling remembering the last one. Your words 'Plus-one-forever' are echoing in your head, a part of you doesn't want to do this but your brain knows it's something you desperately need. It's been too long, too long to still think of someone so wishfully, too long to hold on to a memory that grips your mind but most importantly - too long to hold out hope. This is your way of saying goodbye - given that the two of you never had the habit of a healthy one.

So it's Andy and Sam's wedding and they somehow still remembered you spite the fact you had been out of the country in San Francisco for the past three years. You couldn't have turned it down, not a chance to spend a carefree evening with the woman who's plagued your mind at the oddest moments - which made things all the more confusing for you. If you were just obsessed with her and constantly thinking of her - you could have brought yourself to quit your job and run back into her arms. But that wasn't quite the way Gail tormented you. It wasn't even in being confronted with items that so blatantly reminded you of her. No, she was this passing thought on a rainy car drive home, a flashing glimpse when you woke up in the morning on a random Sunday, a heartbeat on hearing news of a local officer getting injured on the job. She was that face you thought was looking at you through the crowds, that person you wanted to hear from when you were low, that person who came to mind at random when pulling on a coat. And it's puzzled you, confused you to no end and all your logical thought processes have lead you here. This has gone on for too long, perhaps - it was time to say goodbye and for once - truly mean it.

Majority of your thoughts are forgotten when you finally see her arriving alone, and it's time for a deep breath and an evening to reminisce and forget all over again.

_I stayed up all night in the color soaked dreams you project_

_But you find me alone when the sun resonates in my head_

"Well, Hello there!" you smile, and at the beginning of this evening - you hadn't anticipated it to be this hard to be yourself. You weren't one for emotions that choked you, but that's pretty much how it feels right now. Emotions weren't your strongpoint - but neither were they your failing – it's just - this _is _hard. Mentally resolving to never intentionally cross paths with someone you held so dear, it's as good as hammering a nail into your arm. She's surprised to see you, and at once the small talk begins. It's - weird? Is that what this is? - hearing Gail talk about her girlfriend who couldn't make it tonight because she busy with something you don't want to care about. You're nodding along, rambling in your usual fashion about work and life in San Francisco and about how single you are at the moment. Gail's smiling and nodding along as well, and to you astonishment hasn't sarcastically complained once about the whole mushy affair going on around the two of you.

There's almost sickly romantic songs being played with everyone holding someone near and dancing around. The two of you have fallen silent and with time slipping by - you don't want to waste another moment.

"Care for a dance?" you ask, not bothering at all for how it comes across.

"I don't think they're going to play Macarena here Hol." she jibes back with that smirk of hers and your heart is sinking - but you're adamant tonight. So you're holding your hand out to her, making it clear you're not going to take no for an answer.

So, you play your favorite card, one you knew very well Gail could never refuse.

Tilting your head to the left and raising an eyebrow, you're still standing there with your hand stretched out - but inside you're trembling, desperately longing for one last dance. And as always, the head tilt never failed.

"Ugh, fine - but no making out in the coatroom this time."

_And I just want to see you around_

_I just want your back to my front all night long as it is_

It's a slow song that's playing, one you're sure you've heard before but you don't want to know what song it is. You don't want this evening to come back and assault your memories again. So you're holding her close, resting your head on her shoulder with your hand on her waist and slowly moving to the song. You haven't a clue what she's thinking - nor do you care. This evening was about having your fill of Gail - so that you'll never need her again. So you're holding her as close as you can, your eyes closed and just reminiscing. Remembering those comfy mornings you woke up with your legs tangled with hers, passionate nights of naked skin on skin, playful evenings with easy arguments - just running your mind through all the memories the two of you shared as you're dancing with her. It makes your heart ache, ache with the fact that this dance was something the two of you never had, and there were so many memories you wanted to make with this woman, but here you are gearing up to bid her goodbye. You can feel her hands holding on to you as well, and it feels so good to be in her arms once again.

_And I thought that I figured it out_

_I burnt all the videotapes that we watched as a kid_

After loads of drinks, dances and a lot of deep conversations about love and relationships and everything conceivable - you can see the time to leave is now extremely close. You've got an early morning flight back - you made sure of it actually, in case the morning brought forth a wave of regret. You haven't told anything you'd regret - you hadn't even told her that you're leaving in 5 hours - you wanted this evening to be about the two of you alone, Gail and Holly, and nothing else - and oh why couldn't this last forever. It wasn't anything sexual - just this fuzzy feeling and the feeling of bliss you didn't know you had missed.

But - it's come to an end and it's time to say goodbye. The right way this time - not over arguments caused by idiot friends, not over bruised egos and not over hurried departures. Not this time.

So- here you are - biding her goodbye and a bear-hug and quick kiss to the cheek later - you rush into the cab and it drives away. You've clenched your eyes shut, willing yourself to not look back. Not again.

_I stayed up all night in a daze where your body had been_

_and you'll find me alone in the morning with all of our sins_

Gail had stayed back a little longer - waiting to get a ride back with Chris and it was quite a chilly night - so she stuffed her hands into her coat pockets, waiting impatiently for him to get ready to leave already. Holly had surprised her a little, it felt kind of like she was trying forget her and remember her at the same time - which was rather confusing. To her astonishment, she found something cloth in her pockets - something she was sure wasn't there before. She pulled it out to see the name PECK stitched onto it rather thick. It was Gail's vest tag, and by the looks of it - a rather old one.

_Wasn't this the name tag I thought was lost three years ago?_


	21. All Night - Perth

_Can we all just take a moment to appreciate Luce-Luxe for asking me to continue this? *slow claps*_

_I'm a bitter butter person._

* * *

Whatever time it is, it's too early.

You've got a blinding headache, a hangover would be the correct term, and fumbling for your phone on the hotel bed's side-table with its buzzing is feat enough. Somehow managing that, you squint at the screen at groan out loud.

_12:08 PM._

That's about six and a half hours since your flight left, and you overslept. You don't know what to groan about exactly - the throbbing headache, the fact that ever-so-responsible you missed a flight because you were too drunk to stay up or the fact that you're still in Toronto - the place you wanted to get away from to forget Gail.

_Gail._

The thought of her makes you groan out loud once again and fall back into the untidy bed. God what was last night? You can't remember much right now, you can't think much right now either. It takes you five minutes to actually will yourself out of bed and get a glass of water. Sitting on the edge of the bed and forcing some water down your dry throat, you take in the mess of the room, your last night's dress strewn across the floor, shoes scattered near the door, bits and pieces from last night flash back to your memory and you immediately shake them off. Right now, you're bitterly cross with yourself for actually missing a flight.

Calling to order some room service and checking for flight details for the next plane out of here, you learn that the next flight you had was one tomorrow evening via New York. It would have to do.

Clutching a cup of rather thin coffee and staring out the glass window of the hotel, you're mentally accosting yourself. This day was supposed to be the day you were finally free of someone who had plagued your mind, your mental rebirth of sorts- and here you are - stuck in Toronto for another day, hungover and with absolutely no intention of doing anything but sit in this hotel room till you could leave.

The silence of the room is depressing, you could turn on the television and distract yourself for a while, but that hadn't helped over three years, wasn't certainly going to help you now. A hot shower later and clearing up the room as much as you can, it's depressing again. Perhaps it was this headache that was getting you down.

Trying to get back to sleep, you can hear your phone buzzing again, and checking to see who it was this time, that elicits your third groan.

It was Gail, of course it was Gail. But right now, you just want to hole up in this room and never see daylight again. So you shove the phone back face down on the side table and go back to sleep.

Late in the evening, you're feeling a bit better so you decide to venture around the hotel, which happened to be just as depressing as the room - full of people rushing about on their phones, conversations everywhere - the silence in your head is pressing hard against these imaginary walls. It seemed so weird to be an adult with a random day off with absolutely nothing to do, no one to talk to and nothing to distract you. Seeing a rather greasy bar across the street from the hotel, you throw caution the wind and decide if you were going to be stuck in Toronto for one more night, might as well drink it all away when you had the chance.

On your fourth drink of vodka for the night, with barely any people in the bar - well if you assumed crowds depressed you, this lonely place was quite worse.

_This world wasn't made for people who were all alone._

Finishing up the drink and ordering another one, you hear someone that sounded so comfortingly familiar.

"I've not become the ex you screen calls from already, have I?" Gail jibes, sitting on the stool next to you and ordering herself a drink. For a minute you think it's your mind playing its tricks - except you know that isn't the case. The Gail that your mind taunted you with had short hair, a shoddy haircut you had given her yourself -and this person you see sitting next you has significantly longer hair.

"What are you doing here?" she asks with that little laugh of hers and taking a sip.

"Missed my flight. Overslept. Next flight's tomorrow evening." you own up grumpily, too grumpy to feign any dignity. Besides, you're mentally severing the connection between whatever this unexpected bump-into with Gail was going to bring and any emotion that you were going to feel. You've got the rest of your life to mentally curse yourself over past mistakes anyway, right now you don't want to feel anything.

Gail however snorts and can't help jibing on hearing that.

"The most responsible Dr. Stewart missed her flight because she was hungover? I'd never thought I'd see the day!" she laughs to herself, setting her phone on the table. You really can't say anything but nod, taking a huge sip of your drink.

"You know, it's funny I should see you here." Gail muses, seemingly lost in thought far away.

"Why?"

"It just is." she dreamily replies.

"What are you doing here Gail?" you ask her, but you know there are other questions on the tip of your tongue.

"I just wanted to check out this - "

"Tell me about her."

Gail knows very well who you're referring to, and smiles a shy smile at her drink before continuing.

"She's amazing. She knows precisely when to call me out on my bullshit, and when I get myself up a tree - she just chops it down." she laughs at her own words and you trying to not feel anything at this conversation was becoming harder by the moment.

_Still with the cat analogies, Be still my heart. _

"I'm going to ask her to marry me." Gail finishes with a sheepish smile and toys with her glass.

Whatever that last sentence was, it goes right over your head, you're too slow to process that sentence right now, but surprisingly - you can react to it. Behind a long gulp of your drink that is.

"Well Congratulations." you smile, totally unsure of where you're drawing your composure from because that last sentence just managed to drain you of every remaining bit of your sanity.

"Do you love her?" you ask, and then you kick yourself. Of course she loved her. There was no question about that. But seeing Gail falter a bit before answering that question gives you this tiny breath of air.

"I - I care for her very deeply. " she replies, sobering up from her laughter. "I could love her."

For the first time since Gail sat next to you, you turn to look at her, a look of surprise all over your face.

"Come on. I can't be expected to fall head-over-heels in love with every amazing woman I meet." she reasons, but your brain is in overdrive now.

"You couldn't even answer that you love her - "

"The last woman I madly loved left me to go to San Francisco." she bites back, and that's enough to shut you up.

"I guess the woman that I care for deserves something." Gail finishes, gulping down the rest of her drink. You're too stunned to say anything and just wait in silence for the bartender to pour the two of your drinks.

"I came here to check out the place because this is where I wanted to propose to her." she states looking ahead and drumming her fingers on the table as you drink that in.

"We had our first date - of sorts here and I wanted to see if I could make something of this place." she sighs, and your emotions are on the verge of boiling over now. What you wouldn't give to be the one Gail was planning a surprise proposal for, but you aren't - through your own fault. You can't bring yourself to say anymore, you just can't.

"It's funny - " Gail begins, explaining her earlier statements, probably feeling a little Dutch courage.

"It's funny because till yesterday - till that moment I found my name tag in my pocket, I was sure of everything. And now - it's all confusing again." she mutters, shaking her head in disbelief. It must have been hard for her - to be so sure of one thing one day and then uncertain of it the next.

Silence falls once again, save for some muted music playing somewhere and you've got to admit - this silence sitting her with her seems quite better than the silence in your hotel room, the silence in your home and the silence you've found everywhere else.

"You might want to propose somewhere that isn't this gloomy." you reply, finally finding some words. Gail of course laughs at that.

"Yeah, I probably should." she smiles, taking a look at the rather grim bar.

Gail's phone suddenly flashes, probably a message from her girlfriend.

"Well I've got to go. You - pick up my calls next time? " Gail states, gulping down the rest of her drink and paying for it, and you nod in reply.

As Gail's stepping out of the bar, you really can't shut your mouth for another minute.

"Would you invite me to your wedding?" you ask out loud. Oh the words 'Plus-one-forever' are just taunting you now.

Gail just smiles at that, and with a quick "Yeah" heads out the door.

You finally take a shaky breath and can't stop a tear from rolling down your face.

It was going to be a miracle if you woke up sober for your flight tomorrow evening.


	22. All Night - Vagabond

_Oh Wolfmother! And it soothes me heart that so many of you actually wanna bear the heartburn to see where this goes. I am bitter butter though, don't forget. Hey don't ask me how this works. Also if you want these two to end up together you better start buttering me up now…._

* * *

_Airports are too bright_. You internally groan to yourself, thankful that the sunglasses are helping a bit with that. You really couldn't care less that you're indoors and wearing dark-tinted glasses. Besides, you didn't need everyone who saw you to know that your eyes were bloodshot. Your main aim was to get on that plane and get back ho- to San Francisco.

_I don't seem any better than Gail. Can't bring myself to call that place home_.

And it was true. San Francisco had been rather dull and tiresome. The people of San Francisco who wanted to kill - were pretty straightforward with it. There were not many thrilling and mysterious cases to solve in a place where everyone wore their heart on a sleeve. You can't remember why you thought going there was an opportunity.

Loud blaring announcements every other minute jolt you over and over and you can't wait till you could fall asleep again.

Sure, you had stayed up most of the night and didn't stop drinking till about 2 in the afternoon, but you weren't going to miss this flight. Not again.

So you had done your best to sober up to some extent, and pack up and leave. Leave this place and forget Gail. Were you going to magically forget her after this? You couldn't say. But you damn well were going to try.

Leaning back on this crowded bench and sighing, just taking a moment before heading to check in - your thoughts swiftly rush to the one person you desperately want to forget.

How could you forget her? She was one of the few people you could read easier than a book. Gail, spite all her prickly and stoic demeanor was so simple for you to read, it killed you sometimes that you could do that. You were never a great judge of people but Gail - how did you read Gail? Probably because whenever you were with her, you took in every breath, every quick glance to the distance. You could note hesitation in her voice as clear as a heartbeat. Whatever your shortcomings were - your inability to read Gail wasn't one of them.

And you can recollect her vividly from yesterday at the bar - you could feel her apprehension about your query. If you knew better - this was Gail surrendering to the fact that she had to find someone she liked and cared for and marry them - and that love was something that would come along.

You haven't stopped beating yourself up over the fact that you pushed Gail to that point. Oh you fool.

Sitting in a noisy, bustling airport with no one to bid you goodbye - the gloomy loneliness that has hounded you for the past few years looms overhead. You can't deny you're at the brink you pushed Gail to yourself. You can't tell if you want Gail, or you just want someone to while the time away with.

You know that you're sleepy and struggling to stay awake. Perhaps it was time you checked in.

As you're about to get up and drag your luggage to the counter, your phone begins buzzing.

_Ugh who is this now._

Funnily enough, for all the isolation you feel, you haven't grown to be more welcoming of interaction. By the time you pick it up the call's ended, and now buzzing with a message from a Gail.

_What - why?_

**Have you checked in? **

You're rather surprised at all this and are about to call Gail back yourself, when you make her out rushing and stopping a few feet from you, quite out of breath.

"You." she almost inaudibly pants, taking a moment to catch her breath. Your mind is in overdrive, _Is everything okay?_

"Gail? What's going on?" you gesture, taken aback with Gail's sudden appearance at the airport like this.

"You don't get to do that!" Gail huffs, in a sort of daze and you can make out that her anger is building up_. Did I do something when I was drunk?_ You aren't sure.

"What?"

"You don't get to do THAT!" Gail recounts, whatever hesitation left now fading. You're truly confused and genuinely worried that perhaps you did something stupid like kiss her or cry to her on the phone and you're desperately attempting to figure out what it is you did.

"What are you talking about?" utterly perplexed about what was going on.

"I was SURE! I was happy - with Robin and I was SURE of everything and then you COME and do THAT!" Gail rants, and this is infuriating you as well. You don't really care that it's a busy airport and everyone seems to be minding their own business.

"DO WHAT GAIL?" you give in, unable to control yourself anymore.

"TRAMPLE right through me. Make me doubt that LAST thing that's been keeping me happy." Gail admonishes, clearly angry and intensely cold.

"You think you're happy NOW Gail? You think you're HAPPY with HER?" you shout back, not caring anymore.

"I was sure." Gail mutters, panting and flushed from the outburst.

"Look, I haven't done anything here - " you begin explaining, unable to put together the pieces of everything that's going on now.

"You're right, you haven't. So why don't you just do the one thing you know to do." Gail snaps, ready to turn back.

"What?" you yell in surprise, quite hurt from Gail's tone and attitude.

"Leave." Gail finishes, her tone harsh and biting, and with that she turns away to walk out the airport, knocking the air right out of your lungs and leaving you almost lightheaded.

_Did that just happen? _

At least people couldn't see you crying through sunglasses.

* * *

Work back at San Francisco sucked. It was more paperwork here than actually performing autopsies, and you've hated it. You hate to admit but you just want some interesting case, just anything to get your mind off Gail. You hadn't heard a word from Gail, nor had you tried to call her back and ask for an explanation for the showdown at the airport, lest she began blaming you for calling her or something.

_So much for a proper goodbye._

It's been 2 weeks since you got back to San Francisco, and you're absent-mindedly writing up reports when your computer pings with a new mail.

**"Congratulations Dr. Stewart, your application to the 15th Division Toronto P.D has been approved - "**

_No. NO! _

You're tearing your fingers down your face as you read the mail_. I PUT THAT APPLICATION 5 MONTHS AGO!_ You scream in your head, and then recall that paperwork moved so slowly here - because of that fact that literally anything and everything needed paperwork.

You're rubbing your face in desperation, not entirely sure of what to do. When you put in that application - you had thought perhaps being back home would have helped you. Now, you're sure of the opposite.

Not that you had a choice, you began work at the 15th division once again in less than 3 weeks.

* * *

_Ah. The Black Penny. Again. _

You're sipping a beer, drumming your fingers at the table, looking about the bar before sinking into your phone. The bar looked pretty much the same as when you had left it. Still rather dim, still crowded with police officers drinking the day off with the few random people. You genuinely hated the fact that this bar was so accessible to you - quite close to your home and your office too somehow. Well now that you were back home - as hostile as it felt - it was time to start mingling with old acquaintances.

It's a while till Lisa arrives at the bar - and you recount all that happened.

"Ugh, what do I do. I can't get her out of my head, and I don't want her out of my head either." you groan, on your sixth beer as Lisa listened on rather patiently. Perhaps she had learnt her lesson about keeping shut when necessary.

"Don't you think you should move on?" she inquires, rather skeptical about seeing the normally calm and collected you so flustered about Gail.

"I mean Gail clearly has - "

"You don't think I've tried." you lament, annoyed that your so called friend wasn't getting the point.

"She haunts your dreams?"

"She haunts my days."

The two of you are silent for a minute, you can feel Lisa pitying you and you really want to ask her to cut it out.

"I just don't know what to do." Holly surrender, giving up all hope of fighting your feelings for Gail.

"You like dead things – people or relationships." Lisa tries to reason, but you just give her a really disgusted look.

"Ugh – really?"

"You just like mulling over things that happened and dissecting it – trying to figure out what went wrong. Gail isn't like that." Lisa offers, and you shake your head at that. You were not prepared on a lecture about your predilection for all things dead now.

"Speaking of the devil - " Lisa states, craning her head to the door of the bar where Gail just stepped in. Gail however didn't seem to be staying for a drink, just going up to the bar and handing the bartender something that looked like a USB drive with a nod and heading back out. You had barely gotten a glimpse of the back of her head amidst the crowds.

"Well I'm going to figure out what that was about." Lisa gets up, eager to help and be her skewed version of what she thought was a 'better' friend.

"Lisa, just leave it. Besides it's time we leave here." you groan, apprehensive about all this. Your wounds are still raw and you didn't want to have anything to do with Gail for as long as you could. Lisa however gets lost in the sea of people while you pay the bill and make for the door. Lisa meets you there, deep in thought. And now that she knew something, you're curious.

"Well?"

"It's a song. Something piano-y. I'm sure I know it but I can't put my finger on it." Lisa explains, pulling on her coat.

"You're utterly useless, you know."


	23. All Night: Chained Melody

_Make it better? But I'm butter - I mean bitter._

_And you, I love how you specified that by happy ending you meant Gail and Holly together and happy - God forbid I misconstrued that. _

_Ah Debby, do you ever think of what could have been?_

* * *

Being back at the morgue on home-turf, it's a comfy feeling of familiarity. You've been back at work for 2 days and that was more than enough to get back in the grove of things here. You never should have left here for San Francisco. Sure the place was tiny and quite cramped, but this place gave you more comfort than the swanky, vast lab you had back there. You're day-dreaming about things and feelings - how things which were supposed to be better rarely felt the same. You're perplexed about being back here and you are toying with the idea of going back, but that couldn't be done without your boss thinking you were clinically insane. P_erhaps leave Toronto after a few months?_ You aren't sure.

You haven't bumped into Gail at all, which is surprising. For that brief period the two of you were dating, Gail loitered near the morgue quite a lot. Again you're uncertain how you want things to go. Do you want to talk to her after that argument in the airport? Would it be better to just let things be as they were till they were forgotten? Should you avoid her? Could you avoid her? Seemed stupid to think so.

Well fate made that decision for you.

As if on cue, Gail stumbles into the lab, clutching an evidence bag and perusing a sheaf of papers, not looking up to even greet the Forensic pathologist. She probably knew you were here, and was perhaps avoiding you as well.

_If all this didn't hurt enough, she has to avoid me like this?_

That doesn't seem to be the case as she finally looks up from the papers, to see you sitting there, looking right back at her. For a minute you're glaring at her, still hurt from what she said a few weeks ago. You love her, you do - but your heart's sore. Gail on the other hand looks like she's just remembered that you were back here. You realize that you were perhaps just a minor detail in her life, one that didn't deserve much attention - you really should stop these painful thought-trains.

"I heard you came back." Gail starts, clearly apologetic but you feel wronged. The stinging thoughts weren't helping either. Gail's biting her lower lip, appearing to be rather worried about how you were going to react, given that her last encounter with you wasn't pleasant at all. You decide that it would be best if things were kept as professional as they could be.

"What have you got there?" you reply, getting up and holding out your hand towards the evidence bag.

"Uh I need DNA pulled off some blood on this" Gail explains rather hesitantly, handing you the evidence. You merely take it and head to your desk without a word, and begin examining whatever it was that was in the bag, checking if there was enough blood to get DNA from. Gail's still standing there, dumbfounded and staring at you, almost expecting some yelling, something. You can feel her eyes on you and it's unnerving you considerably.

"I'm sorry about that night at the airport - I was - "

You can't do it. Your stupid pride just doesn't want it. Those words she almost spat in your face had echoed in your head till you felt like screaming to drown it out. Sorry wasn't going to cut it, not this time.

"I'll call you if I get anything." you cut with a nod, leaving the room for a minute, as if to fetch something, hoping that Gail would get the hint and leave. Gail tries to say something as you swiftly march out the room - but you don't give her chance to say it.

"I haven't asked her yet." you can hear her huff, before leaving the room in her own angst. You need a minute before heading back to the room again, to take a deep breath and focus on the task at hand.

* * *

Of course you found anomalies in your testing, for starters there were three different blood samples, mixed with phenol which was making this all the more time consuming and you soon learn that minimal talking with a homicide detective wasn't going to help either of you. You've got to swallow your pride and ask Gail for more details.

Gail's ready to help - completely putting aside whatever differences you had and eager to get her hands on the results.

"Can you tell me anything about what I'm supposed to be looking for here?"

"Okay - like what?"

"How about blood type?"

Rummaging through her paperwork looking for anything that could help, Gail looks endearing and you can't help but remember your first day together. What a blissful day it had been with intriguing forensics and a cute blonde.

"So what's the problem here?"

"The samples are mixed with phenol - making the chain-reaction rather time consuming so if I could narrow it down it would help get your results faster."

"Why's that?"

You know why that question was there, you knew Gail was aware that there were very few things that could shut you up in a teachable moment, and you actually consider it for a second before deciding that you weren't that friendly with her yet.

"It - It's not important."

You can see Gail promptly note that. You forgot that as well as you could read her, she could read you too. She knew that if you weren't willing to give a lecture on anything biochemistry related, it meant that you weren't on the friend list.

"Call me if you need anything." Gail surrenders, heading out again.

* * *

It's a quiet Friday evening at home, sure it had been a long week, with Gail constantly hounding you for those results. You had gotten them to her, of course and that helped nab the suspect whoever that was. Gail had explained it to you - but you were mentally too busy holding up a collected demeanor in front of her. You had managed to get through the week, which calmed you down considerably. You had been freaking out over coming back here and facing Gail but the first week things seemed fine. Perhaps it wasn't going to be that hard after all. You feel like celebrating this tiny mental victory so you decide to have a few drinks with Lisa again. Lisa's wasn't too bad company - better than nothing. So you decided to meet her at the closest bar to home which was of course the Black Penny.

You're just stepping out of the house, quiet unaware that at the Black Penny Gail had a meticulous plan, with her girlfriend Robin there and quite a lot of the officers from the 15 too. Gail stepped up to the little stage, clearing her throat as the bartender nodded with a wink and started to play the track. Gail had planned on giving her girlfriend the most romantic proposal (that she could pull off) and going over the idea over and over had somehow lead her to this. She was pretty nervous about what would happen - but once that music started to play, she just started to sing, not noticing anything else and not caring to look at anyone else in the bar but Robin.

**_"Whoa, my love, my darling, I've hungered for your touch..."_**

You've finally reached the bar - and to your surprise instead of the usual noise of unintelligible conversation there was silence save a smooth voice singing The Righteous Brothers.

**_"Lonely rivers sigh, wait for me, wait for me._**

**_I'll be coming home, wait for me."_**

_Is that Gail singing?_

You didn't give yourself anytime to prepare your mind for what you're about to see. You barged right into the bar - just as the song began to crescendo.

**_Whoa, my love, My darling _**

All the patrons of the bar were held spellbound by Gail's voice. She had such a tender, sweet voice that made the song more melodious. Everyone's eyes were on Gail – who was standing on the stage singing on, whilst everyone just stopped whatever they were doing to listen to her. You, on the other hand were rooted to the spot, right next to the door.

**_I've hungered, hungered for your touch_**

Gail was belting out the song so beautifully, and it was magical. Her voice was so lilting, and you're trapped in the spell of her singing till you see that Gail's looking right at Robin as she croons on. You couldn't take your eyes of Gail though, this vision of her singing this classic was too perfect miss.

**_A long, lonely time_**

Seeing Gail looking at Robin and sing, it all pieces together in your head. This was the song that the bartender must have played Lisa the other day, this was what was on the drive Gail had handed to him that night. It was Gail planning her proposal. As you realize what's going on - you despairingly want Gail to glimpse at you, just once whilst she sang on but it looked like Gail had eyes only for her girlfriend.

**_And time goes by so slowly_**

Time was going by so slowly, everything felt like it was moving in slow motion, and you've forgotten to breathe. You're desperately looking around for anything that would tell you that all this was just a nightmare and failing.

**_And time can do so much_**

Your knees are wobbling, your whole body feels like jelly and you're hopelessly looking for something to steady yourself with. This could not be happening, not right before your eyes. This feels like someone just plucked your beating heart out of your chest. Lisa, who was at the bar finally sees you ready to drop to the floor and tries to get to you without disrupting the enraptured people much.

**_Are you still mine?_**

Gail hit all the high notes so perfectly, it was brilliant. It looked like she had put in quite a bit of practice for this. You feel faint, but you don't want to divert everyone's attention to you. Everyone in the bar was so still, it felt like anything you did everyone would notice.

**_I need your love, I need your love_**

The drums thrashed on, almost matching your pounding heart. Seeing Gail sing that, especially knowing that it wasn't directed at you, you stagger back - ready to leave. But something in your stupid brain tells you to stay, to witness this till the end.

**_God speed your love to me_**

At that, Gail pulled out a ring box and dropped to one knee, and you saw Robin's look of happy glee as her hands rushed to her face, tears in her eyes. That was the final stab to your heart.

You couldn't make out the door hitting your side hard as Lisa almost tackled you out of the bar as the scenic song ended with the violins and drums in sync. You can hear the music play on, as cheers erupted through the bar.

_That didn't happen. That did not happen. _You desperately think to yourself, gasping for air outside the bar as Lisa held you from falling to the ground.


	24. All Night - Beginnings - Skinny Love

_Yeah please don't bash me up this is the first time I've done this. Which? All of this. Also LuceLuxe approved this so - THANKS! :D_

_Do you believe in Skinny Love Debby?_

* * *

Lisa had somehow dragged you home, which must have been quite a feat. She had hauled you to the couch, and is now sitting in silence, staring expectantly and waiting for you to explode. You can't believe that just happened, and you just witnessed it in all its glory. You're still stunned, unable to find any words for quite some time.

"Do you think she said yes?" you finally blurt out, not sure what answer you wanted. Robin's answer to Gail's proposal didn't take away the fact that Gail had proposed.

"Not to be rude here Hol, but Demi Moore couldn't have said no to that." was Lisa's reply. She can see that you're hurting pretty bad, which must have been quite new for her. You weren't the type to beat yourself up over unattainable girls in college, this was quite a new side to you she was witnessing, so she was unsure about how to deal with you.

_I can't believe this. _

"So now they'll have a great big wedding and live happily ever after." you ponder out loud, gulping a bit.

"That's normally what proposals lead to."

You don't care much for Lisa's sarcasm, right now you're trying to regulate your breathing and stop your brain from thinking. Everything feels so shaky and fragile right now. You feel this mixture of emotions you can't sort out. You were angry - but at what or whom you were angry at you can't say. You're hurt deeply and in so much pain but can't point out why. You genuinely want to pause life for a while and sort it all out and get back again.

Lisa's still looking concerned at you, looking at you like you were a dog that was just run over. That's a pretty good approximation about how you feel.

"I think it's safe to say you need to move on from Gail now?" Lisa tries, and you glare at her. If she started her lecture about how the best way to get over someone was to get under someone else, you were going to pummel the hell out of her.

"You still want to rot in this pain?" she asks, wide-eyed in surprise.

"Do I look like I want to be ANYWHERE in this!" you snap at her, and she shuts up. Not for long though.

"So, what do you want to do now?"

"Drink. And watch _Ghost_."

"Really? That straight shit?"

You glare at her again and she sighs and gets up to fetch some booze. _At this rate I'm going to turn into an alcoholic. _

You aren't really paying much attention to the movie, it's playing in the background. Lisa's busy playing or texting someone away on her phone. You're glad of the silence and the numbing effect of the booze. At least now you can figure out what you were feeling. Anger - at Gail? Why? You had no right to feel that. Whatever hold Gail had on you - it was all in your head clearly. Gail in reality hadn't done anything wrong. You were in no place to feel anything except regret - which had become a staple feeling over the years you can barely pick it up now. It sucks so much that you shouldn't be feeling anything about all that's happened and it's impacted you badly, you can't function. And every time you close your eyes, Gail's there singing that wretched song and it's killing you.

Lisa leaves as soon as she sees you about to pass out. She gives this huge lecture about how you couldn't go on like this, and you know she's right.

_For now just let me stew in this misery._

* * *

Monday morning at work again, you've sorted out yourself quite a bit. You've learnt that you couldn't forever hold a grudge against Gail for moving on, nor could you feel hurt over something that you couldn't help. You've decided to put it behind you. Besides mulling over it all wasn't helping you cope exactly.

So, when Gail walks into the lab, you lock away all your feelings in a far corner of your mind and play it decent, instead of spurned lover.

"Congratulations!" you grin at her, ignoring that knot in your heart. It's tiring and annoying, but you're sure it's for the best.

Gail looks rather surprised at you, as if she didn't expect you to know. It was always amusing seeing Gail Peck stumble at a loss of words. _Remember that time in the coatroom closet when you caught her off-guard and kissed-_

You stop that thought and get back to the present scenario of Gail still amazed at your happy face. She had perhaps thought your stalemate with her would go on for longer. _Like the last one for 3 years and- _

_These thought are getting out of hand._

"I - thanks I - I suppose you heard." Gail stutters a bit, not certain about how to react to that.

"Yeah, I think Patrick Swayze heard that too Gail." you chuckle, quite astonished that you were making all this sound so fluid and easy. It is mentally torture and you can feel your energy rapidly draining from the strain but you keep telling yourself it's for the best.

Gail laughs a little at that as well, still not sure about how to be around you. She hands you over another bag of evidence and walks away. When she's out of sight, you can finally loosen the death-grip on the pen you were holding in your fist.

Working with Gail like this was draining, but it was better than forced silence. The case had been complex and the two of you had to put your heads together to go over the evidence. It had been thrilling - needless to say - with minute details counting for a lot and it had taken the depths of your knowledge to figure it out. Gail of course fitted your statements right into the evidence and came up with a theory that had to be true. It was exhilarating to the point that you had forgotten your pain - if only for a minute.

"Nice work Detective!" you grinned at her, so happy that you had actually done it. This was your last source of glee after all, and no one could take it away.

Gail isn't as excited as you are, though she is smiling at you and your joy.

"Couldn't have done it without you." she muses, and for some reason that makes you blush, which in turn gets Gail to smile harder.

* * *

It's Thursday evening, and though the past few days at the morgue were emotionally draining - they were fun. But every day you had turned up home only to fall asleep right on your bed and end up waking up in the middle of the night to get some food and sleep again. A bit abnormal for you but it was manageable. Today had been slightly longer with Chloe and Sam asking around for some tests on bone samples and it had taken you till about 9 in the night to wind all that up. You're trudging along from your car, desperate to fall asleep - only to find Gail sitting outside your house. It was unexpected, and you don't want to deal with her now. But seeing her sit there and wait for you so patiently and loosely holding what looked like a beer bottle in a brown bag, you can't help yourself. Gail was the one person whom you couldn't say no to. Not especially after you've missed her so. The argument at the airport was long forgotten in your head, and for now you're glad that you were at least friendly with her at the morgue.

"Hello!" you begin, strolling up the walkway and stopping right near the porch.

"Long day with Chloe eh?" Gail asks, taking a sip of the beer. She doesn't sound drunk much, but she did look like she was waiting for you for quite some time.

"Yep. She isn't as quick as you. " you state, sitting down next to her on the porch, willing to see where this was going.

"Not everyone can be as awesome as me Holly - you know that." she laughs and you smile at that a bit. It felt nice having Gail like this - as a friend. You've definitely missed her as a friend, you can't deny that.

"Listen - I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the proposal before I - " Gail begins, and you see why she's here. She wanted to apologize about the proposal, but what you wanted wasn't an apology. A second chance, a do-over maybe - but not an apology. So you wave her off.

"It's okay Gail." you smile calmly back at her, and she can see that she's finally off the hook, for everything.

The two of you are enjoying the silence, it is quiet out at night, with a few cars driving by. A little chilly but not too bad. It's pleasant and comforting - two feelings you've needed for quite some time.

"I've got to ask though - Unchained Melody? Really?" you inquire with a short chuckle, though seeing her sing that song was so amazing.

"Oh God." Gail groans and throwing her head back, clearly sick of being teased about it.

"I mean - that's the cheesiest song you could have picked." you ramble on, prodding, curious for some answer.

"Look - she's a huge fan of Patrick Swayze and this seemed the easier alternative than learning the final dance from Dirty Dancing." Gail confesses, but you can't stop laughing, spite the fact hearing all that is rather stinging.

"But still - so cheesy." you chortle, and Gail gives in and starts laughing too. After the hearty laugh fades, Gail pipes up with a question of her own.

"What's your favorite movie?"

"What?"

"You know - movie you've watched so much you can recite it backwards."

"Why are you asking me this?" you snort, amazed at the question.

"Come on, I never got to know." she urges and you can feel the regret in her voice. She never did get to know you, you both never had the time.

"I don't have one." you sigh, turning to look over at the front lawn absent-mindedly.

"Nooo." Gail drawls out, before doubling up in laughter.

"What?"

"Boom-box guy? Seriously?" and you've blushed so much, you can't believe it. How did she figure that out.

"I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING"!

"You just looked over at the lawn so forlornly. And you just said it!" Gail explains, still laughing out hard. You on the other hand, are a little miffed that she figured it out. "Say Anything" was a movie you were so just ashamed of liking.

"You know what - get off my porch." you huff, with a bit of fake -annoyance - shoving her slightly. Gail stops guffawing with a muted 'Okay', but still can't stop a little chuckle every once in a while. You're shaking your head at that, enjoying the warmth of Gail's company. Gail leans into your shoulder, resting her head there, still laughing a little - and oh this must be bliss. You take in a deep breath, and soak up the sweet serenity of this moment.

"Do you miss me?" you question considering Gail's behavior tonight. You're waiting with bated breath, as Gail sobers up a little from her laughing spell. She turns her head which is still resting on your shoulder to look at you and you remember how much you longed for something so simple as this. You're not considering logic right now, you haven't thought about anything except being here with Gail.

"Would you believe me if I said I do." she softly replies, licking her lower lip and looking at your lips, as if waiting for a kiss. And you can't stop yourself, not when she's here in your arms - so endearing and sweet. You slowly bend down to press your lips against hers, just slightly till you feel her full lips on yours. You don't want to ruin this moment, not for anything in the world. You've yearned to kiss you so long, you've quite forgotten she was engaged to another woman.

The minute you remember that, you break the kiss and sit up straight, the cold of the night suddenly popping into your notice.

"It's rather cold out here so I - "

Gail immediately gets up at that, and you scramble up yourself - digging for the keys in your bag. Gail hasn't said anything yet and your heart's sinking. _Was it all ruined again? Can the two of us ever find some peace? _

You manage to open the door spite your fumbling fingers and much to your astonishment Gail walks right into the house, leaving you flabbergasted. _What's going on. _

You decide to avoid talking about the kiss the two of you just shared, and assume that perhaps she was hungry or something. You hesitantly step in into the house, terrified, closing the door behind you.

"Want to grab something to eat?" you stutter, removing your coat but before you could even set it down Gail slammed you against the wall next to the door and began kissing you again, taking you by surprise. Feeling her lips press hard against yours, her tongue slipping into your mouth - it's intoxicating. Gail's pulling you as close she could, and when your bodies are pressed against each other, she breaks the kiss for a second to cup your face with both her hands and kiss you again. You can't find any resolution to fight back, to stop her - not when she's kissing you so passionately, not when you can feel her hands on your cheek, holding you so tenderly. Your brain is with throbbing with the conviction that Gail was making a mistake and you have to stop it. Your heart's aching for this, but your brain won't shut up. Not this time.

You manage to feebly push her away, only to have her step closer, in an attempt to kiss you again.

"Gail." you breathe out, before she kisses you again. Your strength's slowly taking a beating, but you're doing your best to talk to her. This time she runs her hands over your back, unhooking your bra.

"You're going to regret this." you softly remind her when she pauses for a second to breathe, you too out of breath.

"I already do." she declares, proceeding to kiss you again.

The two of somehow managed to hasten up the stairs in between heated kisses, and when you finally reached the bedroom Gail pretty much flung you onto the bed, pulling her jacket and her t-shirt off and then climbing on top of you and pressing herself against you. You're breathing hard, your mind going over all sorts of emotions. If there was anyone who could make you feel the entire emotional spectrum in a day, it was Gail. You've lost any resolve you had mustered, and now you've completely surrendered yourself to Gail and whatever she was doing. She's pushed your shirt up, still kissing you hard. You can't stop yourself from moaning into her mouth, relishing this lust, this emotion. Your hands are limp by your side, though you desperately want to unhook that bra off her chest. Your mind keeps flitting back to the reality that Gail wasn't yours but someone else's, but every time Gail stops between kisses to kiss your neck and your jaw - you slip back to now, the beautiful present where the woman you craved so long was in your bed. Especially when Gail kissed on the tender skin of your neck, you moan and your hands go to her bare back, digging your nails into her skin in ecstasy.

"Why did you leave me." Gail murmured between kisses and teasing your nipple. You feel the anger with yourself and your stupidity, which mixed with this arousal was such an inexplicable emotion. Gail didn't give you any time to reply, kissing your again and tugging your pants off. You could hear the hurt in her voice, and it's devastating you further.

"I've missed you." Gail whispered, shifting down a bit to get level with your chest, licking your nipples and playing with the contours of your breasts. You've missed her too and it's all coming to back to you. And that juxtaposed with the way she was rousing your body was a whole new emotion. You've slipped your fingers into her hair whilst she teases you, her hand sliding down further and further till it's resting between your legs. You're trembling, moaning and whimpering at erratic intervals, and when she slips her fingers in between your panties you realize how wet you actually were.

"Oh God."

Gail's determined, you can feel that in the way she was treating you. She's taken her time, but you can feel her impatience. Your mind is attempting to cope with all these conflicting emotions, when her wet fingers brush against your clit. You give up on the past, and switch your focus to Gail. The sight of her sucking your breasts while you can feel fingers play with your wet lips was doing things to your mind. You forgot what a tease she usually could be, never stopping till she was satisfied. And you can see that even now too, as she was teasing you. Spite all her determination, she was still aching for you to moan her name. And it brings so much ecstasy to just say it.

"Gail.." you whimpered, gasping and longing for bliss.

You can feel Gail smile against your skin as she heard that. She knew precisely what you wanted, slipping her fingers into you and moan out loud. You can't believe how long you've pined for this delight.

Gail gently slid her fingers out and in again, starting out almost painfully slow and tortuous. You're gripping her hair tighter, breathing heavily and on the verge of dissolving into pleasure. The base of Gail's palm was rubbing against your clit and that was making holding on rather difficult.

Gail finally gave in and thrust faster, kissing every inch of bare skin she could find on your chest and it wasn't long till your body tensed up in orgasm. You cried out in ecstasy as you threw your head back, and Gail held onto you as your body jerked against hers.

Finally, your body went limp, as the high subsided. Gail's resting her head on your chest, and your hand is still in her hair.

Your thoughts come back to you, and they aren't encouraging at all.

_What did the two of you just do?_

* * *

**_Hello there._**

**_Well, guess which 21 year old has to join work in a different city as some sort of Engineer. Yep me. _**

**_I deeply apologize that I won't be able to update this as often as I normally do, but I assure you I shall see it through. _**

**_I genuinely hope you all don't mind. And my sincerest apologies for any inconvenience caused. _**

**_Thanks in advance, _**

**_Cj._**

**_Ps. Don't you forget me Debby. _**

**_PPs. Please please don't forget to review. _**


	25. All Night - From Eden (I)

_This bitter load of butter had to brave snakes to reach an internet café to post this so please review._

_Debby, will I fall in love again? _

You wake up rather languidly, painfully aware of the onslaught of guilty thoughts this morning would bring. You had half expected to wake up alone and naked with no sight of Gail, but she's right there - sitting on the edge of the bed, elbows propped on her knees and staring at nothing. She's completely dressed and lost in thought and you desperately want to touch her shoulder and make her lie down next to you. Last night comes back to you - filling you with this mixture of regret and arousal, you have no idea what's going through Gail's mind right now but you could take a guess - probably the fact that she had slept with you barely a week after she proposed to Robin. You on the other hand feel frail, as if your soul was naked for all the world to see, this consuming guilt that you had just come in between two people and this rage that this was partially your fault.

You take in a deep breath and Gail at once knows you're awake - glancing at you sideways for a minute before resuming to stare at the wall. You want to say a lot, and have no energy nor dignity to bring yourself to say them.

"I wanted to go home - but the thought of seeing Robin, I - can't." Gail begins, rambling in a daze and you can't do much but listen. Your mind is its own whirlwind, but you can still make out Gail in her own mental turmoil.

"I can't leave her Hol - I can't. I can't." Gail mutters, her words more to reassure herself than to tell you. The fact that Gail couldn't just magically drop Robin wasn't news to you, but in a morning daze you can't help feeling a little enraged and annoyed.

"Does she know you don't love her Gail?" you question, damn sure that Robin had no idea. Gail however straightens her back and turns to look at you with a sad smile, one that breaks your heart.

"She does. She knows it all." Gail confesses hesitantly, looking at you but still unable to meet your eyes.

_She what?_

"I told her everything Hol - about you and - everything. And she understands - you know? She gets that I can't love her now and she says its fine. That one day I will and it will be alright." Gail pours out, and it clicks in your mind, that Robin saw Gail as a sort of damaged, disfigured person who needed some special sort of love. And that clenches your heart.

"Gail - "

"I mean she loves me spite the fact that she knows I don't love her - she is _that_ sweet a person and I've - I've just ruined the one good thing that's ever happened to me." Gail sighs, head sinking back to her hands. You duly note that you weren't "the one good thing that ever happened to her."

"You aren't some charity case she has to do that for Gail." you counter feebly, for the first time considering how badly your departure must have left Gail. She still garnered some hatred for you - there was still this part of Gail that would never forgive you for leaving her. You couldn't forgive yourself for that either. Gail smiles this half-smile hearing your words.

"You don't know how you left me Hol. You don't know how she found me."

If that suffocating feeling in your gut wasn't enough, those words make you stop breathing for a minute - feeling the hurt in those words is unbearable. You're still lying on the bed, except staring at the ceiling for a while, because you couldn't look at her. It physically hurt to see her broken - broken because of you and beating herself up over last night. Your mind hurriedly goes through last night's kisses and touches, you can hear Gail's words echoing in your head and that makes you jolt a bit and sit upright, back to the headboard. Gail's still so confused over her own actions, barely giving you any attention.

"When are you going to stop hating me?" you blurt out - you just had to know. All this was painful enough with Gail engaged to someone else - but you couldn't live knowing that after all these years - she still resented you for what you did.

"Hating you?" Gail clarifies, somewhat puzzled at your wording of that sentence. If anything - she just spent last night making sweet love to you instead of going back home.

"For leaving." you reply, not bracing yourself at all if the answer to that question was something you didn't want to hear.

Gail, till then looked utterly helpless and confused but at that - her face fell and you've assumed the very worst. _Oh God._ You close your eyes and lean your head back on the wall, slowly taking in the fact that Gail very possibly hated you to the core. Before you can inhale deeply you feel her lips against yours, kissing you hard. You can't believe it - for a minute it feels more like a dream than real but it's true - she's kissing you, her hands cradling your face and she _is_ kissing you. It's not a very long kiss, but it was enough to reassure you. Gail breaks the kiss, but hasn't moved away, her face is right in front of yours, breathing a little hard, and it's all you can do but kiss her again.

"You were the love of my life Hol. I could never hate you." she softly whispers, and you're trembling, filled with the meagre joy and the angst that made this moment. You desperately wish you could tell Gail to just leave Robin and come away with you - but what right do you have to do that. Gail's looking right back at you - fully aware of the thoughts running through your mind but also aware that things weren't that easy at all. A muted buzzing sounds from somewhere nearby - Gail's phone presumably and you both come back to the reality that there was another person in this equation - through your fault mostly.

"I should go." Gail mumbles, her hands dropping from your face and getting off the bed. You too scramble up and grab a nearby robe, accompanying Gail to the front door downstairs. Right as she reaches the door, Gail turns around to ask you something.

"Should I tell her?"

You're genuinely stumped at that question. If it were up to you - you would tell Gail to leave her on the spot and come back to you. What a blessing that would be. But you're trying to not be selfish (given that it was your selfishness that made you leave her once)- considering the fact that Gail did care for Robin even if you didn't.

"I don't know Gail, should you?"

"I don't know either." she sighs, opening the door and stepping out and walking off, not so much a glance back at you. You can make out Lisa walking up the driveway towards the door and you internally groan. _So much for wanting to keep this low. _You forgot you had called her over to accompany you to some doctor's appointment.

Lisa catches a glimpse of Gail hurrying past her, and it doesn't take much for her to put two and two together.

"Hey nice song the other day - " she calls out to Gail, who was speeding away at a furious pace.

"Thanks Boob-Job." Gail grunts, walking on, as Lisa made her way to Holly standing at the door, bed-hair and all.

"You dog." Lisa grins cheekily, and you roll your eyes at that. You hadn't heard the last of this yet.

* * *

It's a lazy day at the precinct, and seeing that there was nothing to be done - you decide to ditch work and head back home. Perhaps a nice evening jog, or a walk would help. You've forgotten Gail and everything that happened few nights ago. Repression seemed easy an escape as long as Gail was out of sight, but you weren't sure how long the two of you could hide from each other. The very thought of facing Gail again felt embarrassing and guilt-ridden. You hadn't spoken a word to her, nor had she. You had no clue if she had confessed to Robin - whether they were in the process of breaking up or anything. And at this point - you've learnt to not hope.

Strolling out of the lab, who should you see there loitering outside the building but Robin. You've turned white at the sight of her - half expecting a hard slap on your face or at least some harsh expletives, but Robin was just aimlessly waiting outside the lab, looking at the random notices put up on the noticeboard outside. You hope to slink past without her notice but you fail. Miserably. She immediately catches sight of you and steps right in front of you.

_Well here goes -_

"Hey! You're Dr. Stewart aren't you?" she grins at you - and it pieces together. Gail definitely hadn't confessed anything to Robin. It takes you a second to regain some confidence and get a smile on your face. All you want to do is beg for this woman to let you have Gail, but not now. You nod in reply with a fake smile plastered on your face.

Robin grins and introduces herself, which wasn't quite necessary. You knew all that you needed to know about Robin seeing that shiny ring on her left hand as she gestured to speak to Holly. Robin was a news-reporter/ TV journalist slowly working her way up the ranks in the Media industry, and a very well-known face on Chanel 3 news. You assumed that she met Gail while investigating and reporting a case - so much for fairy-tale meet-cutes.

Robin was indeed a very beautiful woman, a gorgeous brunette with long wavy hair and piercing blue eyes, as tall as you and fit too - a persona definitely made for the screens. You can see quite clearly what would have attracted Gail to Robin in the first place - the woman had this luring charisma, and you know in some parallel universe out there somewhere - you would have gone for this woman yourself. Robin had this cheery voice and this twinkle in her eye when she spoke - damn couldn't Gail have picked someone a little subpar to marry?

"Toronto's definitely missed you when you were gone, it's great to see you back here!" Robin grins on and it's all you can do to just nod along. You're terrified of blurting out something, that ring still not out of your sight and it's all you can do to mumble a few words of thanks. You're about to excuse yourself and rush headfirst to your car when Gail steps out of the lab herself. You hadn't even known she was in the building, let alone meeting her fiancé right outside it.

"Hey Holly." she manages with a slightly stoic face. She definitely would not have expected to see both you and Robin at the same time outside and you're quick to gain control of your emotions. If anything - you were left with your dignity. You nod with a full smile and forcefully excuse yourself saying that you had to leave.

"Nice meeting you Doctor!" Robin smiles as you manage a final word of thanks and walk off.

_Well - that did not hurt like hell at all._


	26. All Night - From Eden (Cont)

_Adulting sucks ugh. I don't seem to have enough butter._

_Debby it's like we're meant to be. Thanks to you Guest for the weird idea._

* * *

_I need a vacation,_ you tell yourself as you wait on the computer for some reports to be generated. You see Gail and Traci standing just outside the lab -who were discussing at the top of their voices the case at hand, and having reached no definite conclusion gave up on the topic till the results for the tests came through. You have barely spoken to Gail since the impromptu bump-in with her and Robin. You've both had plenty of chances to talk after that, but the awkwardness was comfy enough. Talk would clear things up, at the end of the talk there would emerge a clear winner and loser, this uncomfortable stalemate where everything was ambiguous was better. Were there any winners in this situation? Felt like you were all losers of some sort.  
_A nice couple of days alone at the beach, nothing burning in your mind, ah what bliss it would be_ you muse, as the two of them stroll into the lab. Gail avoided direct contact with you mostly- but she still gazed at you longingly, as if to make you to talk to her. What good would that be, you don't know. For now all you know is that Gail still hadn't told Robin anything and it seemed that wasn't going to change for a while. Gail seemed utterly perplexed with the whole situation, caught between hurting Robin and loving you. You don't know what you could do to change this and you haven't tried either.  
"Oh - I can't help you with the dance practise tonight. It's Leo's play night." Traci informs Gail, and hearing that reminds you that this wedding was still being planned for - spite the fact Gail and Robin had already banged head-on into a wall ever since the night Gail slept with you. You're helpless in this situation - might as well daydream about beaches and sand anyway.  
"What do I do now!" Gail groaned, putting a little more than necessary emotion into that. You're swallowing witnessing all this.  
"Hey - Holly can help you! She's a trained dancer." Traci offers, pleased with the easy fix to the problem. All the blood's drained from your face hearing that. Damn Traci and her knack for knowing everyone from top to toe. You stare helplessly at Gail who's stunned at that proposition herself, but hiding it better than you were.  
"If it isn't too weird that is." Traci immediately continues, and the two of you can feel the pressure rising. Traci couldn't find out anything about that night. Your eyes have grown wide in horror and Gail too is trying to tell you (without actually saying it out loud) to play along.  
"No - why would it be weird? But Holly might be busy tonight." Gail fumbles, and that answers one of your questions. Gail loved this ambiguity as much as you did. As long as things weren't clear, there was still a tiny, tiny chance. At what you aren't sure.  
"Well, are you busy?" Traci asks, a little surprised at the looks you and Gail had exchanged. You're struggling to find the words, to say you would be busy wallowing in your isolation and you can't find them.  
"I-Uh No." you mumble, turning to look at the monitor as if to check some parameters. Why do you keep getting yourself in these situations - you didn't know.  
"Great! It's settled then!" Traci grins, and the printer starts printing out the report.  
So now you were going to teach the woman you loved to dance with the other woman she was marrying. Very nice indeed. Gail was staring at you as if to tell you it would be Okay if you didn't turn up tonight but the two are beckoned by an impatient Sam out of the lab, leaving you alone and depressed all over again.

* * *

You've had a few beers - you weren't going to deny that. Felt like anything to do with Gail made you immediately stretch your arm out for a bottle of booze. Gail and alcohol were an intoxicating cocktail, one you have a weakness for. You aren't sure what you're doing outside the building where this dance studio was. You should either go in just leave for home. But instead you're just staring at the building, mentally going over whether you should go or not. The studio was a friend of Chloe's - and since it was quite late in the night, you knew it would be only you and Gail in there. Choices, choices, choices. Do you go in and face Gail? Do you go back home a coward? Or do you stand here outside the building and while away the time, something you've done all your life. Five minutes pass, Gail appears from the crowds and stands next to you. You haven't acknowledged her presence - still staring at the building with a sad face, but you know she's there.  
"I'm surprised you came." Gail sighs, turning to look at the building.  
"I'm surprised too." you bite back, clearly the alcohol getting to your head. You don't know why you're so you know is you had no right to be here- this was supposed to be something Gail should do with Robin, with the so-called woman she was marrying and you don't know where in that equation you fitted in. You march into the building and Gail follows a second later.  
Soon you're both in the dance studio, there's music playing and all the lights are on - but the two of you are just sitting on the floor, lazing in the stillness of the empty hall. Whatever the hell the two of you turned up here for - it definitely wasn't to dance.  
"How come you aren't practising with - her?" you inquire, trying to seem as disinterested as you can but the emphasis on the 'her' was too obvious.  
"Well she's a trained dancer, like you apparently. I never knew you danced. You could barely do the Macarena." Gail replied, sighing into the emptiness. You hated this - the way Gail kept deflecting the topic off Robin and dragging it back to you. Gail, when she was with you tried to behave as if Robin was an ex, and not a fiance.  
"So - you're both dancing the final dance from Dirty Dancing?" you ask bitterly - your emotions clearly overpowering you.  
"Umm - No - just a simple one - but I seem to lack the rhythm for that." Gail offers, trying to placate you but you weren't going let yourself be calm. You see that you're quite drunk and can't do anything now - be it talk or teach dance. You get up and decide to leave - after all you've done your part - shown up and kept up your end of the bargain.  
"Wait! Don't leave!" Gail calls after you as you walk back to the door. She's standing up herself now - holding out her hand. It reminds you of the night you met her for the first time after 3 years - that night at Sam's wedding.  
"We're here - might as well dance." she tries,with her weird way of making peace with you. You consider it in your drunken haze for a moment and throw caution to the wind. What was the worst that could happen - she could sleep with you again, and what did difference did it make if she cheated on Robin with you once or twice. You walk towards her and give her your hand and soon the two of you are slowly dancing and moving your bodies to the beat of whatever slow song that was playing. The two of you were incredibly close to each other - if anyone walked in on the two of you right now - they would bet that you were the wife-to-be. Surprisingly when dancing with you - Gail magically found some rhythm and you've deciphered that it was more about who Gail was dancing with rather than Gail. You've wrapped your hands around her neck and her arms are around your waist, holding you close. You realise that this was quite similar to the dance the two of you shared not long ago.  
"So, this is happening." you state,the alcohol made you do weird things.  
"What?" Gail asks, still clutching you close.  
"You're marrying her." you spit out, for once talking without any inhibitions.  
"I'm just going with the motions here." Gail sighs, and you zone out for a second when whatever song's lyrics echo in your ear.  
_Honey, you're familiar like my mirror years ago.  
Idealism sits in prison, chivalry dead on its sword._  
You consider your current predicament and laugh a little.  
"What is it?" Gail asks with this soft smile. God you hate how tender and sweet she was with you.  
"It's funny."  
"Why?"  
"You want to marry her - and dance with me." you drunkenly muse, still slowly moving to the song.  
Gail, quite uncharacteristic of herself, opened up a bit about it too.  
"Would that be so terrible a prospect?" Gail sighs in reply.  
"She doesn't even know what happened Gail." you remind her, as the fact came to your mind and she nods in silence.  
"You're going to marry her spite that night? That isn't like you." you ramble on, waiting for Gail's reply.  
"How come?" she softly prods.  
"You should have told her by now. You wouldn't let her marry you. I know that but you haven't told her yet - which is odd of you." you go on, surprised at your own words. That would explain why you weren't jumping in anger. On some level you knew that Gail wouldn't be marrying Robin anyway.  
"I don't want to hurt her - besides what when I tell her -just come back to you?" Gail ponders and you can make out that things weren't as black and white as they seemed. Gail still had her doubts about you.  
"I just think you shouldn't be misleading Robin." you finish, not wanting to discuss your own shortcomings right now.  
"I wish you didn't know me better than I know myself. " Gail softly whispers to you and all you want to do is kiss her for that.  
"It's part of loving you I suppose." you tell her, finally feeling at ease. You've longed to tell her you love her for so long - and finally you have, as indirectly as you did. Gail had this soft sweet smile on her face hearing that and that's cheered you up considerably.  
Songs have changed long since, and the two of you are still dancing late in the night. There was just something about each other's company that you both enjoyed, something soothing and calming.  
"Do you know how I wanted to propose to you?" Gail begins with a little chuckle, thinking of a long ago memory. You shake your head.  
"It was supposed to be a Sunday morning. Sundays were the only day you were so carefree and blissful. You were always so happy waking up on Sunday mornings. You would have this silly smile on your face as you woke up and I would casually ask you to marry me. You'd probably think it a joke and tease me and then I would pull out the ring from somewhere - and you would be so surprised. I know it's not very romantic and all that but whenever I thought of asking you that's always how I thought - "  
You don't let her continue - you can't. You kiss her hard, pulling her as close to you as you can. Gail's hands too roam to your hips and cling to you. She's about to slide her hand up your shirt when you break the kiss.  
"Not till you tell her Gail. I don't want to be a part of this till you tell her." you state decidedly. You weren't going to be the other woman.


	27. All Night: Bittersweet Symphony

_For a 22 year old, I am fucking morbid.__ASSUME ALL ASSUMPTIONS. APOLOGIES FOR ALL ERRORS.__I AM SO SORRY FOR EVERYTHING.__I know it's short - You try writing after 5 hours of travel everyday and an impromptu roommate._

"Isolation. That is what I need." That is all you told Lisa on the phone when she told you she had to meet you immediately. She had tried bargaining with you - but you hadn't relented. You wanted to feel free from all this, free from all the heartache and pain. Lisa had been quite stumped at that proposition. That conversation had consisted of you being poetic and rather dramatic. You had already half-guessed what she was going to say, but you didn't want to hear it till now. How that conversation had ended up with the two of you on this cold and chilly beach at 6 in the morning you can't remember. But you had begged and pleaded for just some time, some distance from life - and Lisa didn't have the heart to deny your request.

That sums up how you ended up on the beach with the cold wind cutting your face. The sun had risen but it wasn't shining through the clouds - the overall tone of the beach heartless and biting. Pretty apt considering your life for the past few months. You're just sitting on the icy white sand, not bothering with the weather. Your thoughts are far, far away.

Lisa's standing a few feet behind you and seeing her pitiful face all through the drive here had sickened you enough. You're sitting with your back pointedly towards her, knowing well that her normally hard face was now wearing a broken expression. You can take a pretty good guess at what she wanted to tell you. Your mind quickly flits back to the doctor's appointment she accompanied you to the other day.

_Not now._

You're holding your knees close to you, trying your best to calm your mind. Infuriatingly - the most annoying thing in the world was planning to relax. Something or the other kept dragging your attention back to the misery that was your life.

How long was it - a week or two since your awkward dance session with Gail? Yep. And was there any sign of anything happening to stop that wedding? Nope. The arrangements seemed to be going on at full swing - at least as much as you could make out. Gail had been literally unreachable since that night and whether she was hiding from you or genuinely busy - you couldn't say. And for the past hour - you've been having this mental battle with yourself in silence, whilst the slow waves lapped the shore.

_Perhaps it is time I stop thinking of Gail._

_NO._

_Then when? When she's at the altar with Robin? Will that make me stop?_

_Probably._

_I've got bigger problems to deal with now._

_Do you tell her?_

_What right do you have to tell her?_

_Why scare her?_

_What point is there in telling her?_

_No point jumping to conclusions now. There is still time._

_But if it comes to the worst - if I die - should I tell her?_

_Why? She isn't your wife._

_She cares._

_She shouldn't._

The mental torment went on. Lisa was growing impatient, seeing that your next doctor's appointment was at 11:30 and there wouldn't be enough time for the two of you to get back, get ready and head to the hospital in time at this rate. You on the otherhand could care less about that. You aren't even considering the more obvious consequences of all that was unfolding - the prospect of facing death, the fact that you could very well be paralysed at the end of it all, your parents, your half-done research paper - they're all minor details in your mind.

Spite the fact Lisa hasn't said the actual words - your mind seems to be slowly absorbing the prospect of what was to come. It's darkly amusing to you that it should take something of this magnitude to finally get you to stop pining after Gail. Your mind is gently beginning to tell itself that Gail would never be yours - not because she was marrying someone else - but because you may not be here for very long. It didn't hurt as much you thought it would - then again - you haven't heard the actual words. Maybe you should hear them now - it has been an hour and half of staring at the sea in silence. You clear your throat and turn half around to see Lisa eyeing you with this painful look.

"Well?"

"I suppose you guessed what I was to say."

"It is rather obvious. Why drag me to three doctors appointments when I feel no symptoms." you grunt, turning back to face the water.

"Nothing is set in stone till we go back today." Lisa tries, but you disregard that. If learning medicine had taught you anything - it was that it was the most unpredictable subject there was. It wasn't simple as physics, it wasn't obvious as chemistry - it was all a gamble. You had suspected it before - but since you had felt no obvious symptoms hadn't given it much thought.

"It's something in my head isn't it? What is it?" you sighed, quite surprised at your rather obvious lack of concern for your own health.

Lisa nodded in defeat, and it finally sinks into your being. That your life just got a whole lot shorter.

* * *

Two days since the fateful doctor's appointment - since when all your fears were confirmed. The fact that you knew everything there was to know about cancers wasn't helping at all. Right now - a little ignorance would have been a lot of bliss.

You've dissolved yourself into reading all you can about Anaplastic astrocytoma when you hear the doorbell ring. It was probably Lisa - who hadn't left your side much but still had to leave at some point. You had thrown your phone to some far corner - too depressed to even think about talking to anyone. Your parents hadn't been informed yet - infact no one had been told of yet. To tell people would make it _realer? Make it true?_ It was hard to explain but as long as you didn't tell anyone - maybe you could pretend everything was just fine.

You open the door, only to be stunned at the sight of Gail - who looked harried and tired, staring right back at you with her blue cool eyes- as if she was confused about what had happened. Not unlike how confused you were about being a nice healthy person and still developing one of the rarest forms of cancer.

"I told Robin. The wedding's off." Gail huffed softly.

_Oh Gail._


	28. All Night: Michicant

_Got posted back home - as a Warship and Submarine Designer. Let's see how that goes. __Thank you all for your reviews - they've kept me alive thus far._

_Debby - would you ever spot me in a crowd?_

_Ps. Maddie - Happy Birthday! _

* * *

You're still holding on to the door, staring helplessly at Gail, who's looking back at you dejectedly. After an awkward silence of a few seconds, Gail sighs and pushes her way past you into your home, leaving you still gripping the door tight. Seeing Gail and hearing that was so out of the blue. You can't believe your fucked up luck. If this had happened two days ago you would have been jumping for joy - right? You don't focus much on that though - it doesn't matter anymore.

Gail's slowly walking about the room, too distracted to notice any of those medical documents on your table. Besides, even if she did notice them - Gail couldn't have probably guessed that they were your own files.

"You okay? You look a little pale." Gail inquires, seeing that you haven't moved from the door. You aren't sure how to respond to that. Your mind is officially running at a lag - still processing all that's happened.

"Yeah, just surprised to see you." you hastily reason, leaving the door as it is and walking to the nearest chair you could find. Gail still hasn't stopped pacing about in the little gap there was to pace.

"What did she say?" you begin - thinking that was a good place to start.

"Nothing." came Gail's swift reply, stopping and looking at you for a second before resuming her almost manic pacing about the room.

"She did slap me though. Can't blame her - I deserved that." Gail continues, restless and confused.

You mindlessly nod at that, trying to come to the quick decision of whether to tell Gail or not.

"I don't know Hol. I - I don't even recognize myself anymore." Gail rambles, at a loss of what to say. It suddenly dawns you that Gail didn't tell Robin because she outright wanted to be with you - it was just Gail being the good person she normally was. And seeing Gail ramble on here makes you realize that Gail herself hadn't done anything with the clear intention of getting back together with you.

You do want to talk to Gail - perhaps when she's calmed down a bit. Tell her everything and then let her decide. But right now, you're in your own existential crisis and you hadn't given much thought about Gail - thinking that she was marrying Robin after all. Besides - Gail looked too frazzled and distraught to have a conversation.

Seeing her, you want to tell her about it all- want to just sob in her arms and let her take care of you, and you're on the verge of just blurting it out to Gail when Lisa appears at the door, clutching a few bags of food and a couple of old med-school books. Seeing the two of you, she stops short, a little taken aback.

"Am I interuppting something - ?"

Before Lisa can finish her question, Gail storms out the front door without another word, leaving you glued to the spot on your chair. You haven't got the strength to stop her.

"What was that about?" Lisa asks, and you huff at that question.

_Why was life so infuriating._

* * *

You don't even care that it's late at night, you had been driving mindlessly. Lisa was doing her best of being a good friend, but you feel suffocated, you hate to admit it. You just want some time to think - to wrap your head around it all.

It was the most surreal thing - feeling absolutely healthy and being told you were going to die. You couldn't feel any symptom at all - no headaches, no unexplainable fatigue, no loss of vision or whatever those other symptoms were. But you're dying. The doctors warned you what you already knew - that if the tumour progressed your chances would reduce drastically. So till then, you have this sliver of hope.

Then again - when has your luck sided with you.

You aren't sure what to think about Gail. A part of you wants her, craves her, needs her. And this other part of you wants what's best for her. It kills you slightly to know that you weren't the answer to both those needs.

All alone at a McDonalds at half past 11 in the night, the loneliness of the world envelopes you. And you just want Gail, just don't want to feel miserable anymore and would just want to be happy again. But was that worth Gail completely breaking her relationship with Robin, and then you dying on her? You can't decide. You can't decide what Gail wants - what you want. It's all just painful misery.

Staring at the rather unappetizing burger - you don't know what to make of the world anymore. It's all just too much.

Clutching tight at your phone, you call up the one person you know would take care of you now. The one person you want to hear from so badly. Your eyes are welling up just hearing the phone connect.

"Hey dad."

* * *

It's been a few weeks since everything went to hell, and after countless appointments with doctors and consults and work you're exhausted. You haven't told your boss at work anything - after almost blurting to Gail the other day - you're guarding your secret with everything. It felt too early to let people know, it was too personal to tell everyone.

Your dad's moved himself into your home, and with Lisa helping you all she could, you've had a busy few weeks.

It still hasn't hit you - you know? It all just felt like something that was happening and had to be dealt with. It still hasn't pierced your being, your mind still hasn't comprehended all that was going on.

You've told your dad everything, though he didn't approve of your little tryst with Gail after she was engaged, he was understanding. He, however being the dad he was, let you figure for yourself what was to be done. Ever the teacher, your father. You just want someone to tell you what to do with Gail, just like all the doctors just told you what hospital to go to, which attending to meet and what scans to take. If someone or something could just direct you to what you wanted for yourself and Gail - that would be great.

You've sunk into couch next to your dad, half-dozing when Lisa barges in. You regretted handing her that spare key, but then again she has been an amazing friend, leaving you to decide for yourself about everything and supporting you no matter what.

When the two of you find a moment alone however, she informs you that she had some news about Gail. You hadn't heard much about Gail - hadn't seen her much either. All you knew from the precinct gossip was that Gail and Robin had broken up and Gail was as surly as ever. You could pretty much imagine Gail biting and snarling at everything at work, nothing surprising really.

And then Lisa recounts an incident at the Penny where she was.

* * *

Gail had been drinking at the Penny, as she normally did these days, when Robin had stepped into the bar. Normally the bar's patrons were all police officers who knew their limits except this evening there was a crowd from this gang that had just been granted bail, so the bar was more unruly than usual. Some of the hooligans were annoying Robin, which Gail had noticed and she had kept her cool till she couldn't stand it anymore.

Gail had walked up to the 6'5" thug and punched him right in the face, setting off something short of a riot. Lisa had barely made it out, with a few shoves and pushes.

"I don't know what to make of that, but I guess Gail's a nicer person than I give her credit for." Lisa ended her narration, but something strikes in your head.

"She loves Robin, doesn't she?" you state in surprise. Lisa, however is amazed at that conclusion.

"Hol - I think she would have done that for anyone, Hell I would have clocked the guy - doesn't mean I'm in love with Robin." Lisa reasons, but you don't hear it.

After weeks of agonizing, it clicks in your mind.


	29. All Night: What's the matter?

_That would explain why you haven't found me then, Debby._

_Was reading some of me old one shots,I do hope my writing hasn't deteriorated._

_How morbid a person I am, Ouch._

* * *

_Chp:What's the matter, What's the matter with you lately? (Milo Greene)_

You've drifted far away during this meeting, quite uncaring for what was being discussed. You feel rather impatient and restless, fiddling with your pen. Your mind's gone blank, and has been the same for the past few days. You feel like clay, quite disconnected with everything that was taking and bending you, understandably so. The realization that Gail would be better off with Robin had drained whatever was left of you. You feel hollow, a mere shell of the person you once were. There seems to be no light at this end of the tunnel and you're too weary to find another way out. You've given in to circumstances - happiness and bliss a far dream for you. You aren't questioning how things got this way, you feel too superficial to consider that. If you could see yourself, you doubt you would have recognized yourself- mentally that is. You're just a physical body, walking down the hallway to get back to your lab - completely devoid of thought.

That's precisely when Gail sees you and rushes after you - you don't stop and turn around, you're too harrowed to think of doing that. You know she's telling you something, as she draws you into a nearby room, except you can't hear her. Or don't feel like hearing her - you couldn't figure. As you enter the room, a chill creeps over your body when you realize you recognize this room intimately. It snaps you out of your uncaring daze. Your mind goes back to the sweet memory of her kissing you in this very room, and that wrenches your heart farther when you see that you had to tell her to go back to Robin.

Gail doesn't notice that you're distracted, she was busy trying to figure out what she wanted to say. Your breath feels shaky and your hands are trembling - but you're doing your best to hide that.

"I was thinking", she finally begins , "that we need to talk - so I was thinking maybe we could meet for dinner tonight and - "

"I think you should go back to Robin, Gail." you state, as calmly as you could - keeping your voice flat. You hadn't wanted to say it outright, but it was killing you to tell her and it was killing you to not tell her.

Gail was taken aback at that, sure that she had misheard that.

"What?" she asked, to clarify.

"You should go back to Robin." you repeat, this time your voice trembling as you finished the sentence, a slight catch in your throat.

Gail was speechless for a moment, drinking in that you just said that. You are just plain torn between the sweet memory of that kiss playing in your mind and the reality of what was happening.

"You don't mean that." Gail finally breathes, shocked.

You don't say anything to that, not sure what words would come out of your mouth if you did say something.

"You don't mean that. " Gail says again, her breathing getting shallow. "You asked me to tell her and now you're saying - "

"I didn't ask you to tell her." you snap back, almost reflexively. Gail swallows at that, knowing it was true. She shakes her head and tries again.

"I don't understand - I thought you - I thought you loved me." Gail reasons and you know you can't manage staying in this room for long.

"You thought wrong." you urge impatiently, mentally telling yourself that this was the better alternative. It was better to tell Gail this than to break her heart after having her fall in love with you again.

"What?" Gail mutters, barely audible.

"I don't love you." you finish, swallowing hard and staring right at Gail as you say it. You had mentally rehearsed it a million time in the last few days - but nothing had prepared you for Gail's broken face and trembling knees. You don't wait to hear anything more, and you pull open the door and walk out the interrogation room as calm as you could, wrapping your arms tight around yourself as you walked on.

* * *

It's been a long day, needless to say. You just want to get back home and fall asleep. Sleep seemed to be your only escape from everything. After all, in your dreams - life was infinitely easier. You didn't have to constantly walk around with a heavy heart in your dreams. So, naturally getting home and seeing that Gail was there annoyed you.

Stepping into the house, your dad softly informed you that you had a guest and you know very well it was Gail. You aren't sure what she had to say - but you most certainly hadn't thought this would happen. You should have remembered that Gail was as stubborn as you.

"Gail, what are you doing here." you state, plainly annoyed. You know your dad's standing at the doorway, silently watching.

"There's something you're not telling me." Gail retorted back, standing up and facing you. And you don't have the energy for this.

"I've told you everything there is to say." you coldly reply, holding on to your composure. The last thing you wanted right now was a scene.

"You're lying - I know you're lying." Gail shook her head back, stubborn as ever.

"I'm telling you I've said I had to say." you yell back, losing your cool.

"Holly, dear, perhaps you should tell her." you dad interrupts and that makes you snap.

"Dad, stay out of this!" you bite at him, immediately guilty that you had to speak roughly at him. He sighs as he leaves the room, leaving the two of you alone. Emotions were high in the room, and you were angry - at everything.

"Tell me what Holly?" Gail slowly asks, her own temper rising.

"It's nothing." you huff, rubbing the sweat off your forehead.

"Tell me what Holly! Gail repeats, her voice louder this time, and you're still silent, not noticing the tears that have welled up in your eyes. You're glaring back at Gail with a stern face, and you can see she's quite on the verge of stepping over to you and shaking you thoroughly.

"What is it!" Gail yells, losing all her cool and taking a step towards you.

"I have cancer! Ok?" you shout back, and that stops Gail in her tracks. Now that you've started, you can't stop.

"I have cancer - and there's every chance that I'm going to die and there's nothing much I can do about it! OK?!" you rant, not noticing that all the blood's drained from Gail's face. She's staring back at you in pale horror, and your tears have streaked down your face.

The room is silent for a few minutes after that. You can hear Gail's shallow breathing, spite your own deep, hard pants. Gail had settled into the nearest chair, you're leaning against a wall, still on an edge.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Gail asks, her voice soft and almost broken. You don't really have an answer to that, so you're just staring at the floor silently, trying to stop your tears.

"So - this afternoon was you making some sort of sacrifice for the greater good or something?" Gail questions, her words getting louder and louder.

"It's the truth -"

"OH stop behaving like some emotional teenager Holly!" Gail cries out, getting up off her chair and glaring angrily at you.

"It's for the best Gail." you yell over her voice.

"Don't." Gail cuts you yet again, but you refuse to back down.

"You should be happy Gail - and you can be happy with Robin, she'll take you back - " Gail just grabs your by your shoulders, shaking you quite roughly.

"Damn it Holly! Do you really want me to go back to her? Do you want me to leave you and go back to her? Gail rants, her face inches from yours, her eyes looking angrily into yours. After a moment, you gather your thoughts.

"Leave." you state, pulling yourself out of Gail's grasp. Gail, however knows that's she's lost this round, and mutters in anger as she stamps out of the room and out of your house, leaving you all alone to your thoughts.


	30. All Night: Pieces

_Sorry, Engineering is much more draining than I thought._

_Debby, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry._

_All of you - I'm sorry._

* * *

You're sitting on the floor, resting your head against the couch and staring at the ceiling. You don't know what exactly you're mad at - the fact Holly had cancer or that she didn't tell you about it. There are these tears that just refuse to fall, these questions that won't just go away and that clenching feeling in your heart that things had just changed so drastically. There's a whole bottle of whisky right in front of you - but you can't seem to will yourself to pick it up and take a swig. Your romantic life has come crashing down around you - and you're just a helpless by-stander, staring at the rubble left of it. You feel angry to the point of choking something and nothing you think of takes that rage away.

You can hear someone at the door, and you've mindlessly assumed it was Dov or someone who would go away if you didn't respond for a while. Except whoever it was - didn't seem to be getting the message.

_Who the hell is this._

Quite depressed and annoyed you drag yourself up and answer the door, surprised to see that it was Lisa.

"What do you want." you spit out, the last person you cared for was Boob-job.

"I heard what happened tonight and I thought that maybe there are a few more things you ought to know about Holly - " Lisa begins explaining, and in your mind - that explanation sounds hilarious and deeply hurtful.

"Oh now you want me to know." you snarl back and before Lisa could even reply you've let your rage take over. You've grabbed by the collars of a shirt and banged her hard against the nearest wall. Right now, all you can see is red.

"Gail - OW!"

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!" you yell, enunciating every syllable and shaking Lisa rather roughly.

"Gail - It wasn't my place to tell you - I swear I begged Holly to tell you before - " Lisa urgently pleads, taken completely by surprise by your rage and pretty bewildered herself. You can hear what she's saying - but you also know any answer she gave you would never satisfy you. It would be better to stick to questions Lisa could answer for you.

"When did all this happen?" you try, banging Lisa against the wall hard again.

"A few weeks ago!" Lisa yells, as if in surrender to stop you from hurting her further.

At that you loosen the death-hold you had on Lisa, and she manages to wrangle herself away from your grasp.

You couldn't believe it. Holly hadn't said a word about anything for weeks. It physically hurts your heart to hear that.

You can make out Lisa in the corner of your eye - adjusting her shirt and coat, but you've barely moved. You know what your next question is - and it takes all your remaining energy to ask it out loud.

"Is it bad?" you softly ask, quite the opposite of how you screamed all the previous questions at her.

"That's the thing. No one can say anything for sure now." Lisa answers, slowly seeing that you were hurting rather bad.

You consider that reply for a minute and let it sink in your head. At least you don't feel as lost and helpless as you did before. But then, Holly's loud and resounding "Leave" echoes in your head and you're lost once again.

Remembering your earlier conversation with Holly this evening, your heart sinks. You stumble past Lisa - back to your couch - mumbling as you do.

"What are you doing here."

"I'm just looking out for my friend - " Lisa begins, eyeing you pick up the bottle and settle on the couch.

"I don't think Holly's been dealing with this well. She's feeling with her brain and not her heart - and when her heart catches up to things - she's going to be heartbroken - again."

You take that in, understanding rather clearly what Lisa was referring to. You knew it was Holly and all her logical brains making her tell you she didn't love you this morning. Typical, but rather sad of Holly.

You take in a deep breath and a swig of whisky right from the bottle at that. The pain subsides for a minute and rushes back again - remembering Holly's voice this evening.

_Leave._

"What do you want me to do - she practically told me to leave her alone today - there's nothing much I can do after that." you state, your voice flat.

"Look - Gail - I don't care what your past with Holly's been - I just don't want my friend hurt again."

Hearing that - you know that somewhere in your heart you don't want Holly to be hurt either.

* * *

You haven't given Gail much thought at all - surprisingly. Well - not totally surprising. You could feel yourself held together by a very fine thread, and well aware that if you looked back on last night - it would all just fall apart.

It's early in the morning - barely light and you can't sleep. Staring at the television - watching the half-past 3 re-runs of Seinfeld, you've left your life a whole world behind. Till you make out through the window - Gail walking up to the front porch.

You immediately get up - ready to fight her off. You couldn't do this anymore - the constant heavy heart was breaking you bit by bit and - you just couldn't.

You rush to the door and open it before she could press the doorbell.

"Gail - I don't want your sympathy." you coldly state, not considering your emotions for even a moment. Your emotions were frazzled and tangled, a mess you didn't know what to make of.

"Good - I didn't come to give you any." Gail retorts in her cold manner, brushing past you to enter the house - and that stings you.

"What do you want Gail?" you ask sternly, closing the door behind you and folding your hands tight.

"Why didn't you tell me about this?" Gail questions, facing you - but rooted to the spot. You can make out she's slightly drunk, trembling a bit as well.

"I didn't know we were telling each other stuff Gail - " you begin haughtily.

"Don't you -" Gail bites back, a mixture of anger and hurt in her voice.

"What was I supposed to do Gail? Tell you and hope you'd come running back? You made it quite clear you didn't want to do that - ", you rant - finally getting it all off your chest.

"You could have told me!" Gail cried back, obviously on the verge of breaking down.

"You were supposed to be marrying her Gail - I didn't have to ruin that again and -" you state, softening seeing Gail so uncharacteristically vulnerable.

"GOD! Holly - After all we've been through - you could have just told me!" Gail bitterly utters, losing all her cool and turning to lean her face against the wall, never having felt so left out as she did now.

"I thought I meant something to you." you hear her softly surrender - and that breaks your resolve. Seeing Gail trembling with her face towards the wall, was slowly making you learn that all that was happening wasn't "something that had to be dealt with" anymore. It was a slight realization, but surely - there it was.

You can't stop yourself as you slowly move towards her, prying her face away from the wall - which she stubbornly refused to do till you actually had to drag her away. Her damp cheeks and shaky breath were the last thing you could tolerate - and you didn't want her to ever think that she meant nothing to you.

Gently rubbing away at the tears on her cheek, you kiss her as tenderly as you could, desperately hoping that the kiss said everything you couldn't find the words to say - _I love you, I'm terrified of what's happening, I love you, I just want you to be happy._

Gail soon begins kissing you back, pulling you closer and closer - as if to make sure you were fine. She slowly breaks the kiss, but still hasn't stopped crying. You can feel her whole body trembling, you can see that she's absolutely bewildered about everything and you don't know what to make of it.

"Are you Ok?" she softly asks, dropping to her knees and hugging your legs tight, sobbing hard. Seeing Gail absolutely broken as she was hurting you badly too.

"I'll be fine Gail." you reassure her, running your hands through her blonde hair as she cried on.

You - however weren't sure of your answer.


	31. All Night: Grapevine Fires

_I am so sorry - suddenly got posted at the shipyard for 3 months and have to slog there._

_As I write this, I wonder whether you people prefer Holly dead or alive - then I remember you all know how Morbid I am._

_Debby I am so exhausted I could probably curl up in your lap and sleep for a million years._

* * *

_Well, this is it._

The day has finally come - for you to learn if this disease was going to kill you or not - whether your death would be slow, painful and sure or sudden and swift. Sitting on your bed and thinking about it makes you dread it all the more. Till today - the cancer was just a little hammer hammering away in your head - annoying and pressing against your brain but something you could ignore because you didn't want to deal with it. But today - all that would change. The doctor would read up from his reports whilst your ears would start ringing till you couldn't hear him and this disease would consume your entire being - you would cease to exist and turn into a soulless statistic in all those cancer reports filed every year. Today, would mark the last day you live life truly as yourself - Holly Stewart. So you're looking back on your life - trying to find something you were truly proud of, something - anything to just show yourself that you weren't a soul wasted - but everything you can think off - being a brilliant med-student, being a world-class forensic pathologist with incisive abilities, being a nice human being - it all seems so small compared to what you wanted to be. And what you wanted to be was something you couldn't exactly put your finger on - even today. It's a shame that you never realized that all you ever wanted to be was happy.

You've chased away your dad and Lisa for today, threatening them to not approach you till the end of the day - irrespective of what the doctor's verdict was. You're dimly aware that you've turned into an aloof monster, shunning comfort when you perhaps needed it the most - but you can't help it. You feel guilty for it all for some reason - and believe that enduring this day alone would absolve you.

The plan for today in your head is pretty simple. Take the day off at work, drive alone to the doctors, learn what it was you had to learn and then probably head to the beach irrespective of what the results were and allow yourself to sink it in your being. The beach? You don't know why - but the sight of the sea - mighty and vast and constantly lapping at the shore was something that soothed your soul. The sea was something you found yourself relating to - full to the brim and nowhere to go, an island stuck in the middle of nowhere, insignificant in a majority. Probably get drunk out of your wits after that and end up calling Lisa to pick you up. Right now - you're disappointed, depressed and slightly raging over the universe and its twisted ways.

Gail? You recall early morning yesterday- which ended in Gail falling asleep on the couch and you didn't know what to tell her. Ask her to leave or beg her to stay? Tell her you need her or push her away? Fall alone to pieces or break her too? It was torment, seeing Gail disheveled on the couch, sleeping with this strained expression on her face. You rushed off to work and hadn't dared to get ahold of her after that. Gail would just have to wait till after today.

Which is why it surprises you that when you're about to shut the front door on your way to car, you see her already there, waiting.

"Gail, what are you doing here?" you snap at her, in no mood to deal with her now.

"I heard from Lisa that you were trudging to the doctors all alone - and I couldn't allow that." she huffs, her tone as calm as she could make it.

"Gail - look I don't want to deal with you right now so just let me go." you mutter, trying to side-step her and get to your car, but Gail's quick to step into your way.

"What are you doing? Why are you pushing everyone away? Why are you pushing me away?" Gail confronts you and you're slowly losing it.

"I don't want to talk about this now Gail -"

"Well when are you going to talk about it - because - " Gail stops short at that and it irks you.

"Because? Of what Gail? Because I'm dying? Because you didn't seem to be in any hurry to talk before!" you spit out and you can actually see Gail's face breaking.

"Holly I - "

"Look Gail you wanna talk? Fine!" you rant, dropping your bag down as your hands start to move uncontrollably.

"THIS? ! This isn't how my life's supposed to go - this isn't where I'm supposed to be - this isn't how we're supposed to happen Gail and it's infuriating me. I wasn't supposed to get cancer and you aren't supposed to be with me out of pity and - and I don't want to do this today - "

"You don't have to go to the doc today Hol - I - "

"Not that Gail" you clarify , "I don't want to talk about us today because it will just remind me of everything I've ever screwed up - so - . " you finish, rather surprised. You felt like you had a lot more to say.

At that Gail's jaw stiffens and you notice how badly you're trembling.

"I'm not letting you go there alone." Gail quietly states, holding out her hand as if to take the keys from you.

"You're kidding me." you utter, not believing this.

"I am an officer of the law Hol and I can - " at that you groan and shove the keys into her hand and march to the passenger side of the car. Gail's still standing there for a minute - for a minute glad that she had won that tiny battle. Picking up your bag which was still on the ground, she walks to the car and drives you off to the hospital.

* * *

During the car ride, you calm down considerably. Gail doesn't say a word nor does her face betray any emotion. You on the other hand are sinking into this deep pit of angst and depression - weighing down your already heavy heart. Every traffic signal you cross keeps bringing you closer to your own judgment day - and the closer you get the farther you want to go. Till now - you thought everything you were feeling was the absolute worst, but today you know that tomorrow was going to be even worse. You aren't ready for it - no one ever is.

The two of you finally reach the hospital parking lot - but neither of you want to get out of the car. Gail's as still as she could be - the only thing she was doing was gripping the steering wheel tight till the tips of her fingers were pink from the strain. You're already ten minutes late but you can't budge from your seat at all. You're immediately grateful that you weren't alone here. You would have probably driven out the car right to the street, preferring to die T-boned by an oncoming truck instead of like this.

Five slow minutes pass, and you still can't move. You're barely breathing and feel quite faint already. All the energy in your body is slowly draining and it feels like your chest is caving on itself. Gail, somehow manages to muster some courage and speak.

"Holly - I - I know. I know this isn't how we're supposed to happen. " you can hear her voice, about to break and it's not helping you much.

"I know that - and I'm sorry. Okay? I shouldn't have let you go after San Francisco - " At the mention of that you close your eyes and think back to those lonely days there. And as horrible as things are, you're glad you aren't alone now.

"Holly I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry that we didn't happen the way you wanted us to - but don't for a second think that I'm going to leave you here because of that okay? I've been an idiot and it's hurt you - I know and I'm sorry. But don't ever think I'm with you out of pity okay? I'm a fool to let things get this bad before realizing it but I love you - and don't just please don't push me away - just don't do that it hurts a lot more than you think -"

You can't hear any more of what she's saying, you've leaned over to rest you head on her shoulder and she's holding on to your hand tight. You can't hear what she's saying but you're damn grateful she's here - and you love her for that.

She begs you to let her come with you up to the doctor's office but you can't let her do that. It is still your penance to pay - in your head. Besides - you would need her here when you got back from there - looking for someone to cry into after getting the news.

Which you do.


	32. All Night: God Only Knows

Debby I - .

* * *

_A time jump of however long you want._

* * *

It is a chilly evening - you are just about to step back inside but you feel like taking a minute in the open air before heading back in. It may be chilly but it is a pleasant, comfortable day - a nice day to pause a minute and look back - when a strange man comes up to you and asks you rather politely if he could take your picture.

You are surprised at the proposition - but you don't mind. He explains how he is the photographer for some famous Blog - Humans of New York and soon the two of you delve deeper into a conversation about yourself. You are surprised at how open you are with this guy - but something about him is extremely cordial and sweet - you can't help yourself.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing much - My ex-fiancé got married a few days back. Was just wondering how she was doing."

"I'm sorry."

"Hey - don't be - I cheated on her with the love of my life." you hastily replied, which only earned you an even more surprised look in return.

"It's a long winding story - but I'm finally with the love of my life now." you assured the guy with a heavy smile on your face.

"So, what's your biggest struggle right now?"

"The biggest struggle right now isn't mine - it's my girlfriend's. She's been diagnosed with cancer and it's been a tough long road - plus she's a doctor so she's acutely aware of everything that's going on in her body. We actually moved out here from Toronto a few months ago because the best hospital to treat it is here in Brooklyn. It has been a tiring road for her - and I just want her to be happy. It's a few more weeks of treatment - and fingers crossed - she should be better. After that it should be recovery from all the radiation therapy. So - right now it's a time of gritting our teeth and holding on for a little longer."

"Wow - Do you regret that you let the ex-fiancé get away?"

"Not really. I'm glad she found someone who loved her and I'm stoked to be with Holly. The thing I regret is letting things get as bad as cancer before it hit me that I love her - and all the running away and around games had to stop."

"How is your girlfriend coping with all this?"

"She's rather blue - but that is more of a symptom than a side-effect. It is heartbreaking to see her like that. The depressive spells are quite bad - literally nothing will cheer her up. She misses who she used to be - but can't exactly help it. Which adds to the depression all the more. It's all intertwined."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. The most unpredictable things will get her down. Her thoughts are convoluted and she would think of the darndest things to get herself down. She's also become quite reserved - I almost miss the sound of her voice." you ramble on, surprised yourself at how you were feeling.

" I want her to understand that as infuriating as this gets - I am not going to leave her. Sometimes I wish she would let me in. Then other times I'm glad she doesn't because if I did lose her after that - it would absolutely break me. It's all a very muddled emotional state. I wish she knew that I love her - you have no idea how hard it is to love someone you keeps pushing you away because she's afraid she'll hurt you. The other day she was an inconsolable mess because she kept begging me to leave her - that she could manage and I didn't have to stay back here with her."

"What did you tell her?"

"I told her there was no other place I would rather be. She wouldn't take it for an answer but that was all I had. She keeps thinking of me in the old way - always ready to bail at the sight of anything that would hurt. It is hard to get her to understand that I'm not going anywhere this time."

"Think she will feel better after the treatment?"

"I don't know. But at this moment - I don't care. I'm with her now - and I'm there for her when she needs me. It doesn't matter to me if this depression goes away - as long as she lets me be by her side."

"Do wish your girlfriend luck with her treatment."

"I will. Thanks. "

_The End._

* * *

_Yes, The End._


	33. Winter Fairy Tale

_I'm guessing you don't like Root and Shaw, Deb._

* * *

It's a cold evening, Christmas eve was notorious for being one of the coldest days of the year - not temperature-wise but in the general tone of the city. You are already exhausted from a long month of training at the force, just making it back home to Holly half-asleep and mostly exhausted. To make things even worse - you and Chloe were going to have to work Christmas day because after all - Christmas was one of those times when crime rates did go up.

You're dragging your body to just get out of your uniform and go back home when Chloe appears out of the lockers - all dressed up and ever so cheerful.

"Still grumpy we have to work Christmas day, Gail?"

"Grumpy that I have to schlep it with you." you grunt, forcing your hands through your thick leather jacket. There were already a lot of things weighing on your mind - the last thing you wanted was Chloe sticking festive cheer in your face.

"Come on Gail - It will be awesome - just you wait! Aren't you excited! I can't wait to get back home and see my mom and dad and my cat!" Chloe rambled on, as you pulled the grouchiest face you could and slumped out of the locker room.

"What plans for Christmas at the Peck-clan?"

"How would I know?" you mutter, ,seriously wishing Chloe would get the hint and leave you alone.

"Aren't you going to your parents for Christmas?" Chloe questioned back, inquisitive as usual. You know you're going to have to pick your words sparingly to answer that one, you really didn't

want Chloe knowing all about your life.

"Nope." you state curtly, walking to the front doors of the precinct.

"So wait, who are you spending Christmas with then?" Chloe badgers on, walking a few steps behind you.

"It's none of your business Chloe." you sigh, and Chloe can finally make out that you aren't in a sharing mood tonight. She just shrugs at that and you decide to make a break for it, walking away from Chloe, thankful that the two of you had to go in different directions.

"Merry Christmas!" Chloe called out, waving behind you. You turn back and give her a feeble wave in return, and make your way to the bus stop.

* * *

You've always hated the bus ride home - all these people staring at nothing or their phones, and today is no different. Various people on the phone talking to their family about Christmas plans and all dressed up - so much for festivity.

Your mind is heavy with distant thoughts, you keep going back to review the last year in your mind.

_It has been quite a year._

You had joined the academy, and Holly was in her second year in the Med School's program for Forensic pathology. You had known Holly ever since high-school and falling in love with her was quite unexpected - but things hadn't stopped there. Neither of your families had approved your relationship and after a lot of tension - the two of you had made the nervous decision to run away and begin life anew. That plan had seemed fun at first - without the constant put-downs from your parents and the snide comments from Holly's parents, but reality had to catch up with the two of you sometime. Living-together in Toronto on a rookie's salary wasn't exactly easy. Holly was studying with her scholarship - but that didn't pay for the other expenses that came with med school, not to count bills and rent and the other things that came with adulting in the city by yourselves.

It has been 8 months of living alone with Holly, and things hadn't always been great. There had been arguments about things you hadn't even known arguments could have been fought over,yelling matches over money (which were all quite horrible) and what not.

But at the end of the day, you were always glad that you had Holly by your side, she was the sole thing that kept you going. And there were some days you wondered if Holly thought the same, and that ate at your heart quite a bit.

Which would partly explain why you were sitting here with a neatly wrapped up present you had spent a _lot_ of your savings on, especially after the two of you had specifically agreed not to get each other presents because "there were better things to spend money on."

When you get home and open the door, it always lightened your heart to see Holly there, nose buried deep in a medical book and writing terse notes here and there. Tonight was exactly the same

\- with Holly laying on the extremely uncomfortable couch, book propped on her knees and quite exhausted herself. The apartment looked as bare as ever - save a little mistletoe Holly had somehow stuck to the ceiling.

You knew that Holly loved Christmas at her own house - filled with decorations and carols playing in the background - it was another reason you felt so guilty this evening. You really wanted to give Holly a good Christmas - and here you had to work Christmas day.

_Not that we have money to spend it on nice stuff anyway._

"Hey!" Holly grinned, getting up to greet you as you shut the door behind you, pulling your coat off, making sure that she hadn't noticed the present. You had hidden it in your locker - seeing that there weren't many places at home you could hide it. You can't help but smile as she walks over to give you a bear hug, you sometimes got long days telling yourself that a hug like this was waiting for you.

"How was your day?" she asks, still hugging you tight.

"Long. And I have to spend the whole day tomorrow with Chloe - which makes it much worse."

"I wish you didn't have to work on Christmas." Holly frowned, finally letting go and walking to pick up her book from the couch, while you walked into the bedroom - which was basically a large mattress on the floor. You immediately flop on the bed - trying to shove the present somewhere so that Holly wouldn't find it. You aren't sure when to give it to her- _tonight? Tomorrow morning? _You can't decide.

In the midst of your dilemma, Holly walks right in - to see you trying to shove the present under the mattress - and you're sure that you're going to be handing over your present right now.

"Gail?"

At that you give up trying to hide the damn present, and throw yourself on the bed. You aren't exactly sure how things were going to play out - was she going to be mad that you broke the no-buying gifts pact? You're clueless.

"What is this?" Holly gently asks, picking up the present and sitting down on the bed. It was wrapped up in dull green Christmassy paper, and felt rather heavy.

"Your Christmas present." you groan, hoping that this wouldn't make things worse. But when you sit up a bit and see Holly's bright face so happy, you finally feel immensely better.

"I can't believe you! And the whole "No need for Christmas presents." was your idea!" Holly complained, giving you a slight shove, but unable to hide her genuine glee.

"I didn't get you anything!" Holly suddenly exclaimed, but you really don't mind.

"It's okay Hol - I"

"No it's not okay! Why - why did you get me this?"

"I wanted you to have a nice Christmas - I know you always love Christmas and it was the least I could do." you confess, while Holly crawls up the mattress and engulfs you in another hug.

"You dork."

You're pretty sure if there was anyone who could get away with calling you a dork - it was Holly.

"I just kept thinking back to last Christmas and how nice and cozy things were at your home - and I had to get you something Hol."

"Gail - you didn't have to do that." Holly rambled, her eyes shining.

"You remember last Christmas?" you ask, smiling remembering last year.

"Yep. You kept sneaking me kisses in my house under mistletoes that seemed to be appearing out of nowhere." Holly chuckled, fingering the wrapping paper of the present.

"That was fun." you grin back, absolutely loving how sweet Holly looked right now.

"You know what I loved about that day." Holly went on, still playing with the present and you look at her intently.

"The way you stood up to my dad. He kept going on about how Forensic pathology was a lame career choice and you just shot him right down. I loved that." Holly smiled, a tear falling from her eyes. You vaguely recall having a long argument with her dad and winning handsomely.

"And from that day I decided that you would always be my Christmas present, okay? So don't do this again." she finishes, and you move closer to her and give her a slow, sweet kiss.

"So, I'm your Christmas present, eh?" you jibe, trying to lighten the mood a bit. Holly playfully shoved you again, laughing.

"What is this Gail?" Holly asks, holding up the present, and you blurt it out.

"It's that forensics book you so badly wanted because you were sick of reading it off the laptop screen."

At that Holly quite literally flung herself on to you, hugging you so tight. You on the other hand feel quite elated.

"Merry Christmas Hol." you whisper softly in her ear.

"Merry Christmas."

* * *

_Merry Christmas to All, And To All A Good Night! _


End file.
